Why were there only 1,000 Mexicans at the Alamo? They could only get one car started.



Do you like neckties or henways the best?

What's a henway?

About five pounds.



What's brown and lies on the piano? Beethoven's last movement.



Did you hear about the farmer who was outstanding in his field?



I called my wife from work and said "Honey, I'm thinking about you and I'm getting excited."  She said "Who is this?



When playing 20 questions, Yogi Berra, on his nineteenth question asked "Is the subject living?"  Told that he was, he asked "Is he living now?"

When asked whether he'd like his pizza cut in six or eight slices, Yogi replied "Make it six.  I'm not very hungry tonight."

"Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"  "You mean now?"

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"Never make predictions, especially about the future."

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

"This is deja vu all over again."

"Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore.  It's too crowded."

"Ninety percent of this game is half mental."

"Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked."



The other day I called in sick.  My boss said "You can't call in sick without a doctor's excuse."  I said "All right, I'll be playing golf."



One time the doctor told a lady to take a milk bath.  She called the dairy and ordered a milk bath.  The man at the dairy said "Would you like that milk pasteurized?"  The lady replied "No, up to my neck will be fine."



I went to my doctor and he told me I needed an operation.  I said "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion."  He said "All right, you're ugly, too!"



Why don't they have Daylight Savings Time in Lebanon?

It's too much trouble to reset all those time bombs.



While we were shopping, my six-year-old daughter pointed to a magazine that had Princess Diana on the cover.  "Who is that?" she asked.  I answered, "That's Diana, the Princess of Wales."  My daughter thought a moment and said, "Did we see her at Sea World?"



A man came home from work and saw his wife standing naked in front of a mirror, admiring herself.  "My doctor says I have the breasts of a 25-year old," she said. "Did he say anything about your 50-year old ass?" inquired the husband.  "No," replied the wife, "your name didn't come up at all."



Teacher: "Use the word 'I' in a sentence."

Tommy:   "I is.."

Teacher: "No, Tommy, you must say 'I am'."

Tommy:   "Alright.  I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."



Everyone made fun of PooPoo Boudreaux. They would all chant his name "PooPoo Boudreaux, PooPoo Boudreaux," and laugh and laugh! He finally had enough and decided to change his name. So, one day PooPoo paddled his pirouge down the Bayou to the clerk of court's office in Swampwater, Louisiana.


After hearing his name, the lady at the desk said that she could understand his wanting to change it, and what did he want to change it to?


"PooPoo Thibodeaux" he replied!



A scientist was investigating the jumping ability of frogs.  He put a frog down, said "jump, frog, jump" and the frog jumped 15 feet, so he wrote in his note book "frog with four legs jumps 15 feet."


He then cut off one of the frog's legs, said "jump, frog, jump" and the frog jumped ten feet, so he wrote in his note book "frog with three legs jumps ten feet."


He then cut off another of the frog's legs, said "jump, frog, jump" and the frog jumped five feet, so he wrote in his note book "frog with two legs jumps five feet."


He then cut off another of the frog's legs, said "jump, frog, jump" and the frog jumped two feet, so he wrote in his note book "frog with one leg jumps two feet."


He then cut off the last of the frog's legs, said "jump, frog, jump" but the frog didn't jump.  He said "jump, frog, jump" again, but the frog still didn't jump.  So he wrote in his note book "frog with no legs can't hear."



Three ropes walk into a bar. They hop up onto bar stools, one of them hollers, "Bartender, three beers!". The bartender looks over at them and growls, "We don't serve ropes in this bar, get outta here!"


Dejectedly they slither off the stools and out the door. But they don't give in to prejudice easily, so they go into the next bar down the street and hop up on bar stools, one of them says, "Bartender, three beers, please!". This bartender looks them over, then he says, "Sorry fellas, I don't serve ropes in my bar". They slither out to the street.


Really dejected now, two of them are ready to call it a night and go back to the farm, but the third really wants a beer. So he goes down an alley in back of the next bar, slithers up the wall and into the bathroom window, stands in front of the mirror, and twists around until he has a knot tied near one end, then he leans against the wall and rubs the end with the knot against it, until it looks to him like he has a head and hair.


Satisfied with his appearance, he goes into the bar, hops up on a stool and says, "Bartender, how about a beer?". The bartender glances, looks, looks again, says, "Say . . . aren't you a rope?"


"Nope, afraid not!"



It was a sunny Saturday, and the bus to Sesame Street was beginning its route. At the first stop, two young girls got on. They were both quite a bit overweight. The bus driver looks at them and says, "Hi! What're your names?" "My name is Patty, " replies one. "So is mine!" says the other.


The bus driver tells them to go sit in the middle of the bus. He continues to the next stop, and a boy gets on, saying "Hi! My name is Ross, and I'm special because it's my birthday today!" "Hi Ross! Why don't you sit down right up front then?" the bus driver says, and continues on his route.


At the third stop, another little boy gets on. "Hi little boy, what's your name" the driver asks. "My name is Lester Chin . . . And I have a bunion, see?" Grossed out, the bus driver tells Lester to sit at the back of the bus. In the mirror, he can see Lester picking at his bunion.


Finally, the bus arrives at the gates to Sesame Street, and the driver stops at the checkpoint. The guard steps on the bus and says, "Hi, I'll need a passenger list before I can let you in." So the driver says, "Okay. Two all beef patties, special Ross, Lester Chin, picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus."



A New York cab driver picked up an Englishman at the airport "You're British, right?" "Indeed," replied the tourist. "Well, here's a famous American riddle for you. I'm thinking of someone who has the same father and mother as I do, but is not my sister or my brother. Who can it be?" The Brit frowned, tugged at his mustache, and after a long pause replied, "very well, I give up -- who can it be?" "Me," the driver laughed. The passenger thought a minute and then began laughing along with the cabbie. After returning to his home in England, he decided to try the riddle on his friends. "While traveling in the States, I picked up this delightful American riddle: I'm thinking of someone who has the same parents I have, but the person is not my sister or brother. Can you guess of whom am I thinking?" The group thought, tried various possibilities, and finally gave up. "Stymied! Of whom are you thinking?" He flung his head back, slapped his knee and laughed, "He's a New York cab driver!"



A handsome young fellow came walking into the bar and sat down next to a good looking blonde. "Tickle your ass with a feather?" he asked her. "What did you say?" she responded. "I said it's particularly nasty weather" he replied. She finished her drink and departed. Later a good looking, long legged brunette walked in and set down next to him. After she had ordered her drink and had a sip he learned over and asked "Tickle you ass with a feather?" She replied, "Excuse me!" "It's particularly nasty weather" he said. She too left after finishing her drink.


A drunk who had been watching and listening to this strolled over and asked "Hey buddy, what's going on here?" The young man told him to be quiet and just watch and listen, this was how he picked up all his dates.


Later, with the drunk back in a corner, paying real close attention, a real good looking redhead walked in and sat down next to the young man. Just before she ordered he asked "Tickle your ass with a feather?" "Sure", she replied and they departed together.


The drunk thought hell, I can do that so he strolled over to a good looking young lady and ask "Stick a feather up your ass?" "What!", she hollered. "Pretty damn cold outside isn't it?" he replied.



This lady was a big fan of Elvis. And to show this, she decided to go and get a tattoo on her upper thigh. She went to the tattoo parlor and had it done. When the guy finished she look at it and said "That is not Elvis, it looks more like Roy Orbison! I'm not giving you a penny!" The tattoo guy tells her that he'll make another one on the other leg and she would only have to pay for one. She agreed. When he finished, she said the same thing and that she wasn't going to pay for either of them. The man says "You're gonna have to pay for one of them. How about if I got a total stranger off the street, and if he says one of the tattoos looks like Elvis, then you will have to pay for one of them." She agreed, again. They got an old man in and asked him who he thought the tattoos looked like, and the man said "I don't know who the two twins are, but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson!"



Paul was a decent guy, generous, outgoing, and fairly good-looking, but for one thing. He'd been in a serious car accident, and they hadn't been able to save his right eye. To complicate matters, his insurance didn't spare him enough money for a glass eye; rather than leave an empty socket, he elected to make one of wood. Well-painted, it suited him as well as a wooden eye could. But it still kind of spooked people.


One day, Paul's school had a little mixer. He spent the night standing against the wall, as he always did at these things, while people said hello and smiled, but never asked him to dance.


Just as he started asking himself, as he always did, why he ever bothered coming to these things, he saw her. She was beautiful, radiant even in the dim flashing red-and-blue lights. Amazingly, she, too, looked as though she was holding up the wall. Wondering why on Earth anyone in the school would leave her alone, he took a second look and noticed, peeking out from beneath the hem of her dress, the tip of a false leg next to the real one. Unable to understand why this should scare anyone off, he summoned up his courage and crossed the room. She turned to smile at him shyly.


"Excuse me," he gulped, "would you like to dance?"


A flush of excitement crossed her cheek. "Would I? Would I?"


Outraged, he screamed, "Peg Leg! Peg Leg!" and ran out of the dance hall.



A doctor was attending an out-of-town medical convention. He had heard about the world-famous almond daiquiri mixed by the bartender in the lounge of the hotel he was staying at & decided he'd try one.


Doctor (entering lounge & stepping up to bar): "Bartender, I'd like one of your world-famous almond daiquiris, please."


Bartender: "Gee, I'd love to make you one but we're fresh out of almonds. Can I get you something else?"


Doctor: "I'd heard so much about your almond daiquiri that I really had my heart set on one. There'll be a good tip for you if I can get one."


Bartender: "Well, let me search around & see what I can find."


The bartender goes to the storage room behind the bar & begins searching for almonds. No luck, but he does find a bag of hickory nuts. So he cracks some hickory nuts open & mixes a daiquiri with them. Then he presents it to the doctor, figuring he won't know the difference, anyway. Doctor (after taking a couple of sips): "Hmm, this is nice, but, you know, somehow it just doesn't taste like almonds." Bartender: "I'll have to make a confession: actually, that's a hickory daiquiri, Doc!"



An Englishman, strolling through the Australian countryside on a hot afternoon, came upon a Sisters of Mercy Convent. He asked to come in and requested a cup of tea. The abbess gladly greeted and explained that the convent was famous for its special blend of tea, which it made by boiling the juice of the Koala bear.


The Englishman took on sip of the tea and spat it out, spluttering that the hair of the Koala bear was floating around on the surface of his drink. "Of course," explained the abbess, "The Koala tea of Mercy is not strained."



Two statisticians were flying together on a jumbo jet. As the jet began to taxi down the runway, the first man said to the other one, "you know, with all the terrorism that has been going on lately, I'm a little nervous about flying. What if someone put a bomb on this airplane?" The second statistician replied, "Relax. I've calculated the odds, and I've determined that there is only one chance in 1,000 that there might be a bomb on this airplane." "One chance in 1,000?," said the first statistician, nervously. "Those aren't very good odds." "Yes, I know," replied the second man. "But that means that there is only one chance in a million that there could be two bombs on this airplane." "Well," said the first man, "that makes sense, but how is that supposed to make me feel better?" "Easy," whispered the second statistician. "I always bring my own bomb!"



One day three statisticians decided to go moose hunting. They packed their gear and headed for the Canadian wilderness. The second day out they came upon a magnificent bull moose. The first statistician took aim and fired. His bullet cut a twig off of a tree branch just above the moose. The second statistician decided to try his luck, and his bullet knocked off a piece of bark from a log just below the moose. Just then the third statistician jumped up and shouted "We got him! We got him!"



A mathematician, physicist and engineer were each asked to investigate the truth of the statement "All odd numbers greater than 2 are prime."


The mathematician began: "3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is not prime. The statement is proved false."


The physicist worked at it: "3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is not prime. 11 is prime. 13 is prime. The statement is true, within the bounds of experimental error."


The engineer struggled with it: "3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 11 is prime. Yup, all odd numbers are prime."



Right before closing time, a bartender in a college town noticed that both sinks in back had backed up and were full of water. At this point there were two customers left, a professor of engineering and a professor of mathematics. He decided that he needed some help, so he asked both of them to come in back. Each of them looked at a sink and decided to bail it out with a small bucket. The bartender thanked them and they left.


The next evening the bartender noticed that the sinks were backing up again, but this time he caught it early and closed the faucets, so the sinks were only half full. As it turned out, the same two professors were the last customers and he asked them for help again. The engineering professor immediately got his bucket and started bailing out one of the sinks. The math professor went to the other sink, turned on the water until it was completely full and then, having reduced the problem to one he had previously solved, bailed it out.



There once was a little frog who wanted to take out a home improvement loan to fix up his pad. He hopped over to his local bank, went up to the teller and said, "Hi, I'd like to take out a loan to fix up my pad." The teller replied, "You need to see our loan officer. Her name is Patty Wack." So the frog hops over to the loan officer's desk and sits down. When Patty arrives she ask, "What can I do for you?" The frog says, "I'd like to take out a loan to fix up my pad." Patty ask, "What do you have for Collateral?" After thinking for a couple of moments about what he could offer the frog reaches into his little foggy pocket and pulls out a small white elephant. "This is a very unusual form of collateral." said Patty. "I'll have to check with the bank president to see if it's OK." Patty goes to the president and says, "There's a frog out there who wants a home loan and this is all he is offering for collateral. What should I do?" The bank president takes the small white elephant and after examining it hands it back to Patty and says, "It's a nick-nack Patty Wack give the frog a loan."



A lady took her pet schnauzer to the vet. The dog had been scratching its ears something terrible. The vet explained that in some breeds of dogs, the hair inside the ears gets to long and must be periodically removed. He advised that she go to the drug store and buy a depilatory. When she got to the store, she discovered that there were several brands to choose from. Since she had never used a depilatory before, she asked pharmacist, "Could you tell me how often this needs to be applied?"


The pharmacist answered, "If it's for your legs, I'd recommend twice a week, if it's for your underarms, then once a week ought to be enough."


The lady then said, "well, actually, it's for my schnauzer."


"In that case, I'd recommend once every two weeks . . . but don't ride a bicycle!" replied the pharmacist.



There are 365 days per year available for work.  There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With an hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend two days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only one day available for work, and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!



"It took some users a while to come to grips with the intuitive way Windows works".



Boss: "Why aren't you working?"

Worker: "I didn't see you coming."



Psychiatrist's secretary: "There's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible."

Psychiatrist: "Tell him I can't see him right now."



For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him.  One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion. Naturally all the other fish were curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend.  "How should I know?" the herring replied. "Am I my blubber's kipper?"



Q: What do you call a camel without a hump?

A: Humphrey.



In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O'Neill said, "Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object." Paul replied, "Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school." "Thank you, Paul," responded Mrs. O'Neill, "but what is the object?" "To get the best mark possible," said Paul.



Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?" The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"



Mini skirts give men manners. I never saw a man get on a bus in front of one!



Two Poles froze to death in a drive-in movie theater. They went to see "Closed for the Winter."



A Pole read that nicotine causes cancer in mice, so he hid his cigarettes on the top shelf, where the mice couldn't get to them.



The pediatrician was preparing to take a blood sample from six-year-old Tommy, who looked very scared. As the doctor came closer with the needle, Tommy started to cry. So the doctor, hoping to distract the boy, smiled and asked, "Well, Tom, what are you going to do when you grow up?" . . . and he stuck the needle in. Tommy replied, "I'm going to kill you!"



Mark Twain (1835-1910) tells the story of trying to get rid of a wreck of an old umbrella. First he threw it in the ash can, but someone recognized it as his and returned it. Then he dropped it down a deep well, but someone repairing the well saw the umbrella and returned it. He tried several other methods, but always the umbrella came back. "Finally," says Mark Twain, "I lent it to a friend, and I never saw it again."



A father was praying with his son at bedtime and the son was saying: "God, please take care of mommy, please take care of daddy, and goodbye Spot." Well, imagine Dad's surprise the next day when their dog died! A few days later his son was praying: "God, please take care of mommy, take care of daddy and goodbye Aunt Jane. The next day Aunt Jane was struck by a car and died. Next week he prayed: "God, please take care of mommy, and goodbye Dad." Well you can imagine how upset Dad was! The next morning he drove into work at 5:00 AM in order to avoid traffic, and he locked his office door and never allowed anyone in. He waited until ten that night before leaving and driving home. When he finally got into his front door, he said to his wife: "Honey! You can't imagine what an awful day I've had! His wife replied: "You had a bad day! The milk man died right on our front steps!"



Two supposedly senile men were committed to an institutional home near the sea. They were taken out one morning for a walk, accompanied by an attendant, Albert. As they strolled along the shore, a seagull flew low and dropped a blob of excrement, which landed right on top of the bald head of one of the elders. Albert saw what happened and said in great concern, "Wait right here. I'll get some toilet paper." As the attendant ran toward the building, one elder turned to the other, pointed toward Albert, and said, "He's a darned fool. That seagull will be a mile away by the time Albert gets back with the toilet paper."



College professor to class: "If there are any dumbbells in this class, please stand up." After a short pause, a strapping youth in the back of the room rose. "So, you consider yourself a dumbbell?" the professor asked. "No, Sir," replied the youth, "I just hated to see you standing there alone."



What Type Of Person Are You?


1       Vain Person: One who loves the smell of his own farts.

2       Amiable Person: One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.

3       Proud Person: One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.

4       Shy Person: One who releases silent farts and then blushes.

5   Impudent Person: One who boldly farts out loud and then laughs.

6   Unfortunate Person: One who tries very hard to fart but shits instead.

7   Scientific Person: One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about pollution.

8       Nervous Person: One who stops in the middle of a fart.

9       Honest Person: One who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons.

10   Dishonest Person: One who farts and then blames it on the dog.

11     Foolish Person: One who supresses a fart for hours and hours.

12     Thrifty Person: One who always has several good farts in reserve.

13   Antisocial Person: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

14   Strategic Person: One who covers up his farts with loud coughing.

15     Sadistic Person: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bed mate.

16   Intellectual Person: One who can determine from the smell of a fart the precise food items consumed.

17     Athletic Person: One who farts at the slightest exertion.

18   Sensitive Person: One who farts and then starts crying.



Types Of People You Meet In A Washroom


Excitable: shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

Sociable: joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.

Cross-eyed: looks into urinal on the left, pisses into one in center, flushes one on right.

Nosy: looks into next urinal to see how other guy is fixed.

Timid: cannot urinate if someone is watching, flushes urinal as if he has already used it.

Indifferent: all urinals being used, pisses in sink.

Clever: no hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on floor.

Worried: is not sure of what he has been into lately, makes quick inspection.

Frivolous: plays stream up and down and across urinal (tries to hit fly)

Absent minded: opens vest pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

Disgruntled: stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

Sneak: farts silently while leaking, acts very innocent, knows man next to him will be blamed.

Childish: leaks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the bubbles.

Patient: stands very close for long time waiting, reads paper with free hand.

Desperate: waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

Efficient: waits till he has to crap then does both at once.

Tough: bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.

Scientific approach: has to back up and take a long shot at urinal, misses, and pisses on shoes.

Little: stands on box, falls in, drowns.

Drunk: holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.



A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, and too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned", the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, father. I was just reading in the newspaper that the Pope does."



The Nine Truths of World Religions


Taoism                        Shit Happens

Confucianism                        Confucious Say, "Shit Happens"

Buddhism                        If shit happens, it is not really shit.

Zen Buddhism                        What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism                        This shit happened before.

Islam                        If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Protestantism                        Let shit happen to someone else.

Catholicism                        If shit happens, you deserved it.

Judaism                        Why does shit always happen to us?



What are the two greatest lies in West Virginia?

"I didn't know she was my cousin."
"I was only helping the sheep over the fence."



Did you hear about the Polish Airliner that crashed into a graveyard? So far they've recovered 7000 bodies.



"Incontinence Hotline . . . can you hold?"



What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids won't eat broccoli!



I got pulled over for speeding. The cop says, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be driving that long."



This fellow goes into a bar. He tells the bartender he wants some 18 year old scotch. The bartender doesn't have any 18 year old scotch, so he serves him seven year old scotch. The fellow takes a sip and tells the bartender, "I don't want seven year old scotch, bring me some 18 year old scotch!" The bartender figures he made a lucky guess and thinks he can't do it again, so he serves him some 12 year old scotch that he had. The fellow takes a sip and tells the bartender, "I don't want 12 year old scotch, I said bring me some 18 year old scotch!" The bartender got mad at the guy, and so to get even, he pissed in a glass and served it to the fellow. The fellow takes a sip, makes an awful face and spits it out saying "That scotch tastes like piss!" The bartender says, "That's right, it is! Now tell me how old I am!"



A fellow went into a bar and ordered a beer. In a moment, a monkey came along and pissed in the guy's beer. The guy took the beer to the bartender and said "That monkey pissed in my beer!" The bartender gave him another beer. A little later, the monkey pissed in the guy's beer again. The guy went to the bartender and said "What's going on here! That monkey pissed in my beer again!" The bartender said "Hey, don't get mad at me, it's the piano player's monkey." So the guy went to the piano player and said "Do you know your monkey's pissing in my beer?" The piano player replied "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it."



Q. Why do Mexicans have such small steering wheels in their cars?

A. So they can drive with handcuffs.


Q. How do you know when a Polish girl is menstruating?

A. She only wears one sock.


Q. What's worse than lobster on your piano?

A. Crabs on your organ.



President Clinton and Vice President Gore were jogging around the White House one sunny afternoon when Clinton said, "Al, when I get back inside, I'm gonna rip Hillary's panties right off!"

"Jeez, Bill," said Gore. "I didn't know jogging turned you on so much."

"It doesn't," said Clinton.  "It's just that they're starting to ride up on me."



Did you hear that Richard Pryor was holding a golf tournament to help Mike Tyson with his lawyer expenses. It was being sponsored by Legs Pantyhose. They were going to call it Tyson Pryor Legs Open.



A fellow suffered from a terrible flatulence problem, which was magnified by any situation which made him nervous. One evening, his girlfriend invited him over to meet her parents. Everybody gathered in the den, the parents sitting across the room from their daughter, and the young man. The family dog curled up, and fell asleep by his feet. As the conversation progressed, the father began to ask the boy about his background, and education. This resulted in an attack of flatulence.


The boy resolved to relieve the trapped gas slowly, so as not to make much sound. He succeeds in creating a dull whine, which virtually goes undetected, except, apparently by the dog, which cocks its ears and looks around.


The mother, apparently connects the impropriety with the dog, and shouts "Spot!". The boy is relieved. He figures future outbursts will be blamed on the dog, as well. Later the conversion progresses more toward plans for the boy's future. This, again, caused an attack of flatulence, which the young man released, this time a little bit louder.


Once again, the dog takes notice of the indiscretion. "Spot!" once again is heard, the young man once again figures his actions will continue to be blamed on the dog. Finally the discussion heads toward the boy's intentions for the girl, with special regard for marriage, providing a good home, and of course, children. This sends the young man's bowels into massive contortions, the upshot of which, is a loud, floor rattling fart.


By now, the mother on her feet shouting, at the top of her lungs, "Spot! Get the hell out of the way before he shits on you!"



A husband and wife were sitting at a bar when a drunk next to them passed gas. The husband exclaimed, "How dare you fart before my wife!" The drunk replied, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn!"



A Polish guy was vacationing on the Riviera. He was truly overwhelmed by all the beautiful ladies on the beach, but, try as he might, he couldn't even get one to look at him. In desperation, he went over to a Frenchman who was surrounded by the ladies and asked his advice. "I'll tell you what you do." said the frenchie, "Go out and buy the skimpiest bikini bathing suit you can find and put it on. Then walk up and down the beach, The ladies will flock to you". The Polish gentleman followed his advice, bought next to nothing briefs, put them on, walked up and down the beach, but still no ladies. He returned to the Frenchman and told him, "OK, now go buy a potato, and put it down in your bathing suit, then walk up and down the beach. The ladies will not be able to resist." Once again, the man from Poland followed his advice, but to no avail. So he returned to the Frenchman. The Frenchman looks at him and says "Now move the potato to the front."



Here are some funny sounding towns found here in the U.S.


Toad Suck, Arkansas                        Lizard Lick, North Carolina

Hot Coffee, Mississippi                        Noodle, Texas

Slap Out, Oklahoma                        Cut and Shoot, Texas

Gun Barrel City, Texas                        Pancake, Texas

Hell, Michigan                        Chicken Bristle, Illinois

Yum Yum, Tennessee                        Two Egg, Florida

Knockemstiff, Ohio                        Intercourse, Pennsylvania

Dry Prong, Louisiana                        Bug Tussle, Texas

Big Bone Lick, Kentucky                        Show Low, Arizona.

Barnacle Itch, California                        Possibly, Connecticut

Saccharin Falls, Nebraska                        Raisin, New Hampshire

Sari Sari, Wisconsin                        Promise, Oklahoma

Boltnut, Tennessee                        Moon, Texas

Squeaky Wheel, New Mexico                        Palette, Maine

Sponge, New Mexico                        Juice, Florida

Pungent, Montana                        West, Texas

Akalahoolawe, Virginia                        Albany, Florida

Spackle, West Virginia                        Paris, Texas

Crant Schniffle, Nebraska                        Rhome, Texas



A man comes home real tired from work one night. His wife rushes up to him and says, "Honey, there's something wrong with the car. Could you look at it right away?" The husband replies, "Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" The wife says "Fine!" and goes to bed.


The next night, the husband comes home tired again, and his wife rushes up to him. "Honey, there's something wrong with the plumbing. Could you look at it right away?" The husband replies, "Who do I look like, Mr. Fix It?" The wife says "Fine!" and goes to bed.


The final night, the husband comes home even more tired. His wife rushes up to him and says, "Honey, I got the plumbing fixed. The plumber said in order to pay him, I had to either have sex with him or bake him a cake." So the husband says, "What kind of cake did you bake him?" The woman replies, "Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"



1960: "A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?"


1970 (traditional math): "A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price; in other words, $80. What is his profit?"


1970 (new math): "A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make one hundred dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?"


1980: "A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20."


1990 (Outcome Based Education): "By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)"



Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the jungle?



What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.



A duck walks into a drug store and asks the clerk, "Do you have anything for chapped lips?"

The clerk replies, "Sure, try this" and hands him some lip balm.

The duck says "Thanks, just put it on my bill."


Next day the duck goes back to the drug store and says to the clerk, "Give me a box of condoms."

The clerk says "Do you want me to put them on your bill?"

The duck says "Hell no, I'm not that kind of duck!"



Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities


10.  Drink molasses 'til you heave

9.  Wet-bonnet contest

8.  Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy

7.  Buttermilk kegger

6.  Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale

5.  Get tattoo: "Born to Raise Barns"

4.  Cruise streets in Ft. Lauderdale shouting insults at people with zippers

3.  Sleep in until six A.M.

2.  Drive over to Mennonite country and kick some butt

1.  Churn butter naked



This old man decides to go live in a retirement home. People wait on him hand and foot. They fix his meals, make up his bed, and whenever he even leans to the right or left, a nurse rushes over to straighten him up. His son visits and asks how he likes the retirement home. The man says, "I like it very much, except they won't let me fart!"



Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too!



Once upon a time, a man had an unusual problem in that all of his farts were noisy and came out making the sound, "Honda." He went to specialists throughout the country and no one was able to help. Finally, one of the doctors said he should go to Japan and consult with a Buddhist monk who was wise in such matters and could possibly help.


Having tried everything else, the man journeyed to Japan and went to the Buddhist monk. He described his problem to the monk, in fact, blowing one of his "Honda" farts in the middle of his description of his ailment. The monk excused himself, telling the man that he had to consult his books and meditate on the problem. About one half hour later, the monk returned and told the man that his problem was in his teeth--that it was apparent that one of his teeth was abscessed.


The man was livid saying, "I can't believe I came all the way to Japan to consult with you about my loud farts and you tell me it's my teeth that need fixing."


The monk calmly replied, "It is clear from the manuscripts that your problem is as I described. Abscess makes the fart go Honda!"



The receptionist at the lawyers office answers her phone, "Johnson and Lewis, attorneys at law" "Let me speak with Mr. Johnson please" said the caller "I'm sorry, Mr. Johnson passed away in his sleep last night" replied the receptionist. A few minutes later, she receives another call from what sounds like the same caller. "May I speak with Mr. Johnson please?" "I'm sorry, sir, but Mr. Johnson died in his sleep last night." When the phone rings for the third time, she knows it's the same voice . . . "May I speak with Mr. Johnson please?" " Sir, I don't know what you're up to, but I recognize your voice now, and I've already told you twice that Mr. Johnson died in his sleep last night!" snapped the receptionist. "I know, I'm sorry, I can't help myself" said the voice. "I just love hearing you say it over and over again."



An Italian Mother Writing To Her Son


Dear son,


Just a few lines to let you know I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you come home as we have moved. I won't be able to give you the address because the last Polish family that lived here took the numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address


About your father-- he has a brand new job. He now has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass in the cemetery


There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in but it isn't working too good. I put 14 shirts in it last week... pulled the chain and haven't seen them since


Your sister Mary had a new baby today. I don't know if it is a boy or a girl so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle


Your uncle Dick drowned in a vat of whiskey last week at Dublin Brewery. Some of his fellow workers dove in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body and it took three days to put the fire out


Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Years day. I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father wanted to buy it from him.


It only rained twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and then for 4 days. Monday it was so windy one of our chickens laid the same egg 4 times


We got a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said if the last installment on your grandmother was not paid in 7 days . . . up she comes


Your loving mother


P.S. I was going to send you $10 but I had already sealed the envelope.



Two young people were making love in the cemetery. Just as they stripped and were panting in anxious anticipation, the guard showed up. "Hey, didn't you two see that sign when you came in? It says 'No Admission After 8 PM'." The boy looked up, stammered, and finally said "No . . . we saw the sign that said 'Get Lots While You're Young'."



Q: What's d(hi/ho)?

A: (ho d(hi) - hi d(ho)) over (ho ho)



An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician each checks out a room at a motel. While they're all sleeping, a fire broke out in each of their rooms. The engineer wakes up, goes out and brings back a bucket of water and puts the fire out in his room and goes back to sleep. The physicist wakes up, takes out his calculator and finds the exact amount of water needed and puts out his fire. The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, takes out her pencil and proves that the fire can be put out on paper and goes back to bed.



There were three pregnant Indian squaws. The first pregnant Indian squaw goes out to the forest, sits down on a deer skin, says "ooh, aah" and gives birth to a son. The second pregnant Indian squaw goes out to the forest, sits down on an elephant skin, says "ooh, aah" and gives birth to a son. The third pregnant Indian squaw goes out to the forest, sits between the two other women on a hippopotamus skin, says "ooh, ooh, aah, aah", and gives birth to twins. What's the moral of the story? The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the two adjacent hides.



A dermatologist built his practice very deliberately. He started from scratch.



A newly graduated Doctor moved into a small town and set up his practice right on Main Street. The towns folk were horrified when they noticed the sign:


Dr. Timothy K. Loon

Specializing In

Homosexuals & Anus Disorders


The Town council came over complaining and demanded that he change the sign to a more appropriate venue, as this was a respectable community. The next morning, the towns folk were further shocked to see:


Dr. Timothy K. Loon

Specializing In

Queers & Rears


The Town council came over again, further complaining about his sign. All was peaceful by the third day however, when the towns folk saw:


Dr. Timothy K. Loon

Specializing In

Odds & Ends



Quasimodo wants to go on a little vacation, but before he can leave he needs to find a temporary replacement bell-ringer. He advertises, and one guy after another shows up and "auditions", but they just can't seem to produce the quality of tone Quasi is looking for. Eventually, one last guy shows up but he has no arms! Quasi asks "How to you intend to ring the bells?" The guy demonstrates by backing up and running head-first into a bell. The sound is great! Quasi is enthralled! The guy does it again and again. On his last try, he misjudges the swing of the huge bell and is knocked right out of the window, and he plumments to the ground and is instantly killed. Quasimodo hunches down the stairs to where a crowd has gathered around the body. He's asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell!"



After Robin Hood died, Friar Tuck decided to buy a flower shop. But just a week after opening he discovered that some of his plants were wilting because of a bad ventilation job. So he asked his best friend, George, to put new vents in for him. George fixed the problem in about an hour, and charged the friar five dollars. But another week later the friar was discouraged to find even more flowers wilting. So he asked another friend, Tom, to re-ventilate the shop. Tom worked all day on the shop's ventilation system, but alas, one more week later, Friar Tuck saw that nearly all of his beautiful greenery was now ugly brownery. So finally he called his cousin's best friend's uncle, Hugh, to install new vents. Hugh spent over 3 days on the job, carefully placing ductwork all over and putting in new blowers and filters. He charged the friar an arm and a leg, but it was worth it, because in no time at all, the flowers in the shop were again healthy and bright. Which just shows to go you, Hugh, and only Hugh, can re-vent florist friars.



Two polish guys were sharing a dirty needle while doing drugs. A guy walked by and said, "Are you guys crazy? You could get AIDS!" With which they replied, "It's OK, we're wearing condoms."



Some pranksters actually went to the trouble to steal the toilet at the police station. Police are investigating, but they have nothing to go on.



Do you know why cherry trees stink? Because George Washington cut one.



An Irishman dropped a piece of buttered toast and it landed butter side up, so he took it to the local priest and said "Father, Father, it's a miracle! I dropped me toast and it landed butter side up!" The priest examined it and saw that it was clean, so they both went to the bishop with it. The priest said to the bishop "Father, Father, it's a miracle! Clancy dropped his toast and it landed butter side up!" The bishop took the toast and scrutinized it in silence, first one side and then the other. Finally he handed it back to the priest and said "He's buttered the wrong side."



A father took his young son to the opera for the first time. The conductor started waving the baton, and the soprano began her aria. The boy watched everything intently and finally asked: "Why is he hitting her with his stick?" "He's not hitting her," answered the father with a chuckle. "Well, then," asked the boy, "why is she screaming?"



How many of you out there know Jack Schitt? We'll here's the story . . .He is the only son of Awh Schitt. Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnet married Oh Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. They then had six children: Holy Schitt, their first born passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Then two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and Giva Schitt married that Happen Brothers. The Schitt-Happen children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hoarce Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a normal Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of their little baby Schitt.



Louise and her husband met at the commuter train for the ride home.  He looked haggard, and she asked, "Did you have a rough day, dear?"  "You bet I did," he answered.  "The computer was down, and we had to think all day long."



A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers.  One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going.  The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is."  Then she went on to help the next student. The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is Ted."



"Just give us a few days," the repair technician said. "When we have the parts, our computer will call your home to let you know."  "I'm not home during the day," Mr. Smith said. "However, I do have an answering machine."  "Sorry, sir" the technician said. "Our computer won't talk to a machine."



Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?" His employees replied, "No." Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?" "His employees replied again, "No." Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?" His workers responded, "A puppy."



A first-time Congressman was being interviewed by the local paper.  "Mr. Congressman," said the reporter, "when you get to Washington, are you going to be a pawn for the powerful interests that most of your constituents think will control you?" "I resent that question, Sir," the Congressman replied.  "I do not plan to take my wife to Washington."



There's no excuse for a husband not to know what's wrong with him.  It's just that he hasn't been listening to his mother-in-law.




At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation:

"Eat here and get gas."


At a Sante Fe gas station:

"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."


In a New Hampshire jewelry store:

"Ears pierced while you wait."


In an New York restaurant"

"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."


In a Michigan restaurant:

"The early bird gets the worm!"

"Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."


On a delicatessen wall:

"Our best is none too good."


On the wall of a Baltimore estate:

"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law."

"-- Sisters of Mercy"


On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store:

"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."


In a Los Angeles dance hall:

"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."


On a movie theater:

"Children's matinee today.  Adults not admitted unless with child."


In a Florida maternity ward:

"No children allowed!"


In a New York drugstore:

"We dispense with accuracy."


On a New York loft building:

"Wanted:  Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor."


In a New Hampshire medical building:

"Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."


In the office of a loan company:

"Ask about our plans for owning your home."


In a New York medical building:

"Mental health prevention center."


In a toy department:

"Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting."


On a New York convalescent home:

"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."


On a Maine shop:

"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."


At a number of military bases:

"Restraicted to unauthorized personnel."


In a number of parking areas:

"Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."


On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards:

"Now available in multi-packs."


In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:

"Don't kill your wife.  Let our washing machines do the dirty work."


In a funeral parlor:

"Ask about our layaway plan.


On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant:

"Yes, we are open.  Sorry for the inconvenience."


In a clothing store:

"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."


In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:

"15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"


On an Indiana shopping mall marquee:

"Archery tournament.  Ears pierced."


In the bathroom of a large apartment building:

"When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."


Outside a country shop:

"We buy junk and sell antiques."


On a North Carolina highway:


"300 FEET"


On an Ohio highway:

"Drive slower When Wet."


On a New Hampshire highway:

"You are speeding when flashing."


On a Pennsylvania highway:

"Drive carefully:  Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."


In downtown Boston:

"Calahan Tunnel/No. End."


In the window of an Oregon general store:

"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"


In a Massachusettes parking area reserved for birdwatchers:

"Parking for birds only."


In a New Jersey restaurant:

"Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."


In front of a New Hampshire restaurant:

"Now serving live lobsters."


In front of a New Hampshire store:

"Endurable floors."


On a radiator repair garage:

"Best place too take a leak."


On a movie marquee:

Now Playing:

Adam and Eve

with a cast of thousands!


In the vestry of a New England church:

"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."


In a Pennsylvania cemetery:

"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."


On a roller coaster:

"Watch your head."


On a New Hampshire road:

"Will build to suit

Emory A. Tuttle"


On the grounds of a private school:

"No trespassing without permission."


In a library:

"Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.


On a Tennessee highway:

"Take Notice:  When this sign is under water the road is impasable."


Similarily in a New Hampshire car wash:

"If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."

You Might Be A Redneck If...


You've ever cut your grass and found a car.

You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

You own a homemade fur coat.

You burn your front yard instead of mow it.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

When describing your kids, you use the phrase "dumb as a brick."

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

You've ever given rat traps as a gift.

You always answer the front door with a baseball bat in your hand.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've never paid for a haircut.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The taillight covers on your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.

You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to "Show & Tell."

You've ever bought a used cap.

Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

You can entertain yourself for more than 1 hour with a fly swatter.

You've ever stolen toilet paper.

Your baby's favorite teething ring is a garden hose.

Your pocket knife has ever been refered to as "Exhibit A."

Your wife ever burned out an electric razor.

You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

Your Xmas cards include a Xerox copy of your butt.

Your bumper stick says "My other car is a combine."

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

People are scared to touch your bathrobe.

You list your parole officer as a reference.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

As a result of the reduction in the availability of funds budgeted for departmental areas, we are, unfortunately, forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under the plan, older employees will be encouraged to accept early retirement thus permitting the retention of younger personnel, who represent our future plans.


A program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will therefore be put into effect, as soon as possible. The program will be known as Retire Aged People Early (RAPE).


Employees who are RAPE'd will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided they are being RAPE'd they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called Survey of Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers (SCREW).


All employees who have been RAPE'd or SCREW'd may file an appeal with upper management. This operation will be called: Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of this new policy employees may be RAPE'd once, SCREW'd twice, but may be SHAFT'd as many times as the company deems appropriate.


If the employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get Half-Earning for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPE'd or SCREW'd by the company.


Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain, that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High-Intensity Training program (SHIT). The company takes great pride in the amount of SHIT that our employees receive. We have, and will continue to give, our employees more SHIT than any other company in this sector. If you feel that you are not receiving enough SHIT please see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can handle.

The 19 Rules for good Riting


1.      Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.

2.      Just between you and I, case is important.

3.      Verbs has to agree with their subject.

4.      Watch out for irregular verbs which has cropped up into our language.

5.      Don't use no double negatives.

6.      A writer mustn't shift your point of view.

7.      When dangling, don't use participles.

8.      Join clauses good like a conjunction should.

9.      And don't use conjunctions to start sentences.

10.    Don't use a run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.

11.    About sentence fragments.

12.    In letters themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep strings apart.

13.    Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.

14.    Its important to use apostrophe's right.

15.    Don't abbrev.

16.    Check to see if you any words out.

17.    In my opinion I think that the author when he is writing should not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words which he does not really need.

18.    Then, of course, there's that old one: Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.

19.    Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.

Salmon Enchanted Evening


It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My barracuda was it the shop so I was in a rented stingray and it was overheating, so I pulled into a shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, Okay pal." While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the oyster bar, a real dive, but I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I said, "HI GILL!" (You have to yell, he's hard of herring.)


Gill was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured me the usual, rusty snails, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the Mako. I slipped him a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids, for the halibut.


Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What sole! Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna, Salmon chanted evening, and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player.


One on them was this cute little yellow tail, and she was giving me the eye, so I figured this was my chance for a little fun, you know, piece of pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom, she was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy could she drink, she drank like a . . . she drank a lot! I said, "What's your sign?" She said, "Aquarium." I said, "Great, let's get tanked!"


I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, "Come on baby, it'll only take a few minnows." She threw me that same old line, "Not tonight, I got a haddock." And she wasn't kidding either cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I've ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me and said, "Listen shrimp, don't you come crawling around here." What a crab! This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said, "Abalone. You're just being shellfish." Well, I knew there was going to be trouble and so did Gill because he was already on the phone to the cods.


The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel, kelpless. I said, "Forget the cods Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon. Well, the yellow tail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and she said, "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish, what's your name?" I said, "Marlin."


Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders, and then I went home with her. But what did I get for my troubles? A case of the clams.

Rules of Life


1.      If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.

2.      If you don't like the answer, you should not have asked the question.

3.      When all else fails, read the instructions.

4.      When in

         a. doubt    mumble

         b. trouble   delegate

         c. charge   ponder

5.      When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the equipment, the equipment will work.

6.      After two weeks for unexpected delays, add two more for the unexpected delays.

7.      If does not matter if you fall down, as long as you pick up something from the floor when you get up.

8.      You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

9.      There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it twice.

10.    It works better if you plug it in.

11.    Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.

12.    Never admit anything.

13.    Never regret anything.

14.   Whatever it is, you are not responsible.

The Rules


1.      The female always makes the rules.

2.      These rules are subject to change any time without prior notification.

3.      No male can possibly know all the rules.

4.      If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5.      The female is never wrong.

6.      If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.

7.      If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.

8.      The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9.      The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.

10.    The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11.    The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12.    The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry, or upset.

13.    The female always gets the last word.

14.    When in doubt refer back to rule one.

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often

more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the

cartoon and comic strips:


Lost: small apricot poodle. reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.


A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.


Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00


For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.


Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.


Now is the perfect time to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too!


Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory


Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.


We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.


No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent


Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.


Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.


20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawney Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having been lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.


Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.


Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.


The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and other athletic facilities.


Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.


Man, honest. Will take anything.


Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!


Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.


3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.


Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.


Illiterate? Write today for free help.


Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating


Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.


We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00

City of Los Angeles

High School Math Proficiency Exam


NAME:____________________________   GANG:_______________________


1.      Leroy has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many shootings can he attend before he has to reload?


2.      Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Fernando for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?


3.      Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?


4.      Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?


5.      Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, and 3 4x4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800.


6.      Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison?


7.      If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?


8.      Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What percentage of girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?


Answers to

City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam


1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 15 times each drive by, how many drive by shootings must he conduct before he shoots 50 people?


Johnny hits 15*(4/10) people per drive by, which means that he will have to participate in 9 drive bys to shoot 50 people. However, he will have completed two drive-by shootings and be just starting the third when he has to reload. Since he only stole a single clip, he'll only have shot 16 people when the homeboys with the UZIs' make Swiss cheese out of him.


2. Pony has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?


At 454 grams per pound, 2oz of the rock = 56.75 grams. An "8 ball" is 8 grams, so pony has sold 10 grams total and has 46.75 grams left. If he keeps selling 8-balls, he can sell 5 more (for a total of 5*$320=$1,600) and have 6.75 grams for his own nose. If he sells 2 gram packs, he can sell (46/2-23) packs at $85 apiece = (23*$85)=$1,955. However, he could divide it into small parts, bake it up into crack and sell the rocks for an even larger profit. This problem is really more suited for the Gang Multi-Variable Economics Test.


3. Ron is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each have to turn so Ron can pay for his $800 per day crack habit.


800/$64=12 tricks plus a dance. Also, Ron should consider making a deal with Pony from Question #2.


4. Susan wants to cut her 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will she need?


If she sells the cut heroin at the same price per unit volume, she will need 20% more volume. 20% of 1/2 pound (=8oz) is 1.6oz. So, Susan will need 1.6oz of cut to add to the 8 oz of heroin to get 20% more volume. She will want a cut which looks similar to raw heroin and has approximately the same melting point. Plain sugar or laundry detergent are suggested. Laundry detergent has the added benefit of removing the possibility of customer complaints, but will sharply limit repeat business.


5. Blade gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has already stolen 2BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?


Blade has made 2*$200 + 3*$100=$700 dollars from his theft so far. He needs $100 more, so he needs to steal $100/$50=2 more Chevy's. However, he will probably want to steal 4 Chevy's so he can take the extra two and make a really def low-rider.


6. Little Willy is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $25,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $250 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?


6 years*12 months/year*$250/month=$18,000. Little Willy will have $25,000 - $18,000 = $7,000 left when he gets out of prison. If Little Willy kills her in the USA, he should expect to get 6 years. However, if he takes her down to Mexico and buries her scrawny, track-marked butt in the desert, he can get off scott free.


7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 4 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?


3 cans of paint will cover 3*22=66 square feet. 66/4=16 letters with a little paint left over to spray in the eyes of the cop who's comin' after you. Or the tagger could do 15 letters and a bitchin' skull.


8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?


6/27=22% of the girls. However, 2 of them are lying because they've been sleeping with Pedro, Hector's lieutenant. So, in actuality, Hector only knocked up 4/27 or 14.8%.


9. Rosie's sole source of income is shoplifting. If she gets 10 cents on the dollar from her fence, how much merchandise must she shoplift each week to make $250.


Solve X/10=250 for X, X=$2,500.


10. Mike carjacked a Chevy Camaro for his date Saturday night with his young 14 year old girlfriend. He was arrested that night while making his girlfriend in the backseat. How much prison time is he looking for for the carjacking and for statutory rape, even though the girl looked legal? Assume no prior convictions in arriving at your answer.


Mike is only 12 so he will serve no time and will be making his girlfriend in the lot in someone else's car next Saturday.


Language is No Barrier to Laughter


Sign in a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.


In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.


In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.


In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move cabin, push button for wishing floor.


If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.


In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.


In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily.


In a Yugoslavian hotel: The Flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.


In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.


In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.


In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.


On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.


On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.


Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.


Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.


In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.


Similarly, From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.


A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.


In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.


In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.


In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.


In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take on of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.


In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - No ice cream.


In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.


On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it.


In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.


At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.


In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.


In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.


In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.


From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your Room, please control yourself.


Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: -English well talking. -Here speeching American.


From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.


Welfare Letters


These are samples of actual unclear writings taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department.


1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven, but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.


2. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?


3. Mr. Jackson has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.


4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?


5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.


6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it?


7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.


8. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.


9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope that this is satisfactory.


10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which is a mistake, as you can see.


11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.


12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.


13. You have changed my boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?


14. I have no children as yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.


15. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.


16. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.


Mind Your Manors


Anybody who has read real-estate classified ads is aware that the descriptions seldom do justice to the property when you see it. There seems to be a Real-Estate Code that allows agents to translate cryptic key phrases into plain English. Here are some decoded terms:


When the ad says....................... It really means

Sophisticated city living....................... Next to a noisy bar

Old World charm....................... Has some woodwork. Needs cleaning.

Contemporary feeling....................... Has no woodwork. Needs cleaning

Wide-open floor plan....................... Previous owner removed supporting walls.

Updated kitchen....................... Sink no longer overflows.

Security system....................... Neighbor has a dog.

Needs TLC....................... Major structural damage.

Motivated seller....................... Has been on the market for 14 years.

Convenient....................... Located on freeway entrance ramp.

Mint....................... Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.

Neutral decor....................... No murals of nudes or Elvis.

Move-in condition....................... Front door missing.

Cozy....................... No room larger than 9-by-6.

Lower-level family room....................... Ping-Pong table over sewer opening.

Light, open spaces....................... Many holes in walls.

Outstanding....................... Sticks out like a sore thumb.

Close to lakes....................... Impossible to park on the street from April to October.

Picturesque setting....................... Abandoned cars and waist-high weeds on neighboring lots.


Darrell the banjo picker's canonical list of Banjo Jokes . . . (you've been warned) approved for all audiences


How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five: one to screw it in and four to . . .
(a.) complain that it's electric.
(b.) lament about how much they miss the old one.
(c.) stand around and watch.


What's the difference between a banjo and a . . .
(a.) onion?

 No one cries when you cut up a banjo.
(b.) Uzie? An Uzie only repeats forty times.
(c.) chain saw? A chain saw has a dynamic range. and/or you can turn a chain saw off.

(d.) Harley Davidson motorcycle? You can tune a Harley.
(e.) Trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.


Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded . . . you don't have to be very good to get people's attention.


What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State

Who Cares?


What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?


Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run.


Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they think they have to keep playing or they will sink.


The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a building . . . you don't really need one.


>Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?

>A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.


>Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?

>A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.


Ten Easy Steps To Better Banjo Playing....


The Doc Stock Banjo Method

(Or: Any Jerk Can Play the Banjo, So Why Not You Too?)


by Jim Rosenstock


Lesson 1: beat it!


The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play too gently. True, musical instruments require great care and special handling, but banjos should not be confused with these.


There are three basic licks that are used in playing the banjo: the hit (abbreviated "h" in tablature), the harder hit ("H") and the beat ("B"). Learn these licks, and soon you'll be able to play anything!


REMEMBER -- Hit 'em again, HARDER, HARDER!


Lesson 2: Stage Presence


A dignified stage presence will do more than anything else to create the impression that you are a serious, professional musician. This is to be avoided at all costs -- you have a reputation to maintain, after all! While playing on stage, you should: (1) slouch, (2) drool, (3) pick nose, (4) bump fiddler, (5) cross eyes, (6) pour beer on self, and/or (7) stare off into space. The more you can do at once, the better.


Lesson 3: Tuning your banjo


Musicians make a very big deal about "getting in tune." Fortunately, you're a banjo player, and therefore need not be so hung up. There are three basic ways to tune a banjo:


(1) With a tuning fork: Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the clear bell-like tone. Make sure none of your strings duplicate this tone.


(2) With an electric tuner: Tap the tuner on a hard surface. Continue as with method (1).


(3) With a fiddle: Tap the fiddle on a hard surface. Continue as above.


Lesson 4: Tunes and Tablature


It's a well-kept secret that there are really only four tunes in old-time music: the G tune, the A tune, the D tune and the C tune. It's an even better-kept secret that these four tunes sound exactly the same.


Tablature is a simplified form of musical notation used by musicians to preserve music on paper. AVOID ALL TABLATURE -- you will get nowhere as a banjo player by imitating musicians.


Lesson 5: Drugs, FastFret (TM), pizza, strawberry pie and banjo playing


Just say, "Why not?"


Lesson 6: Playing with musicians


Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning banjo player. You should not be intimidated, though, because musicians like to have a banjo player of two around. Even the most mediocre group of musicians will sound great by contrrast when a banjo player is added. So get in there and start jamming.


Lesson 7: Banjo paraphernalia


A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune in one key, to quickly be out of tune in any other key.


A case protects your banjo from abuse, except when it is being played. This is really unimportant, but where else can you put all your cool bumper stickers?


A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain as to which is responsible for the odor.


Beer is the experienced banjo player's favorite liquid to spill on the dance floor, dancers, and/or musicians. Sometimes it is filtered through the kidneys first.


Lesson 8: Name that tune


As mentioned previously, there are only four tunes, and they all sound the same. It is definitely uncool, however, to let on in public that you know this, so here's a list of titles for The Tune: Turkey in the Straw, Bug in the Taters, Paddy on the Turnpike, Fire on the Mountain, Billy in the Lowground, Drugs in the Urine Sample, Christ on a Crutch, Monkey in the Dog Cart, Logs in the Bedpan, Ducks in the Millpond, Pigeon on a Gate Post, Water on the Knee.


Lesson 9: Three myths dispelled


Myth No. 1: It takes hard work and talent to play the banjo. Fact: The only talent most banjo players have is a talent for avoiding hard work.


Myth No. 2: You can make good money playing the banjo. Fact: People will frequently pay you much better money to stop.


Myth No. 3: Your banjo will make you friends wherever you go. Fact: This is only true if you never go anywhere.


Lesson 10: The Universal Banjo Tune








h=hit it!   H=hit it harder!   B=beat it!


This article is from the February 1990 issue of The Daily Clog, Julie

Mangin, Editor.


Primer of Elementary Texan


ALL: petroleum.  "They found all on mah land!"

ARE: sixty minutes.  "Ah'll meet yew thar in about a are!"

ARN: a metallic element.  "Mah muscle is as strong as arn!"

AST: past tense of the verb, to ask.  "Who ast yew?"

BANES: a type of food.  "Ah love pinto banes!"

BEAN: a living person.  "He's a right nice human bean!"

BEAR: an alcoholic beverage. "Yew ever taste light bear?"

CARD: a person lacking courage.  "Yew yella bellied card!"

DOLL: operate a telephone.  "Jes doll me up sometime!"

ERROR: used with a bow.  "Ah shot a error into the air!"

FAVOR: have a temperature.  "Ah'm sick!  Ah got a favor!"

GRAIN: a color.  "It's jes grain as grass!"

KAINT: contraction for cannot.  "Yew kaint do that!"

KWAT: lacking noise.  "Ah want peace an kwat aroun here!"

LAGS: the lower limbs.  "She got the cutest lags in town!"

LANE: to incline.  "Jes lane it upside the wall!"

LIBEL: likely.  "Yur libel t'git snockered drinkin RC!"

LON: a large feline.  "The lon is the king of the jungle!"

NEKKED: nude.  "She was in the pool nekked as a jaybird!"

NODE: Past tense of to know.  "I node him for years!"

PAR: energy.  "Solar par is downright unAmerican!"

PAWN: on top of.  "Put yur guns pawn the table!"

PAYPUL: a body of persons.  "Who are all these paypul?"

SACKS: male of female.  "Whut sacks are yew?"

SAR: having a tart taste.  "Boy, that lemon is sar!"

SENSE: from a past time.  "It's a are sense ah had a RC!"

SEP: to omit.  "Everybody gets a RC sep yew!"

SLAVE: part of a garment.  "It's a long slave shirt!"

STALE: to take feloniously.  "Thou shalt not stale!"

STARS: a flight of steps.  "Jes go up them stars!"

TUTHER: of two or more.  "Yew can take one or tuther!"

WARSH: to clean with water.  "Go warsh yur hands!"

WOOF: doglike animal.  "Who's afraid of the big bad woof?"

WUNST: at one time.  "Ah used ta node her wunst!"

Despite the continuing NCAA probe, Auburn University remains optimistic and is looking forward to its 1994 football prospects.


Here are the six top Auburn football recruits for 1994:


Walfey P. Jackson, 6-6, 195 lbs. Wide receiver from Scottsboro H.S. Hottest prospect in Alabama in the past 10 years. Walfey caught passes in every game he started. He runs a 4.0 forty and can bench press 300 lbs. He loves music and can even write his name in legible block letters. Coach Dye says, "This kid spent seven years in high school, and that proves he's no dummy!" On his application he listed his IQ as 20/20. Assistant Coach Bud Casey said Jackson tested well on his entrance exam.


Cleofus Quententious Jones, 6-2, 205 lbs. Running back from Melrose H.S. Jackson set scoring records in his senior year. Also led the state in burglaries, but Coach Dye says proudly, "He has only six convictions." Jones comes from a family of athletes. His father set an all-time record by running with over $2,000 worth of SONY products during the Watts riots. Jones has been clocked at 4.2 in the 40 with a 19" color TV under his right arm and a medium-sized microwave under his left. Assistant Coach Bud Casey said Jones scored well on his entrance exam.


Maurice "Dude" Danzell, 6-1, 185 lbs. Running back from West Memphis H.S. Has process hair and can imitate Michael Jackson's walk. His favorite color is chrome but he says, "Auburn's colors ain't bad." On his application he listed his church preference as "red brick." Jones' dream is to have his face on Mount Rushmore next to his heroes, Washington Lincoln and Roosevelt Jefferson, and "all those other great receivers." Jones also said he holds great admiration for Benjamin Franklin because, "Without Ben we would all have to watch television by candlelight." Dye says, "This is what really impressed me about this kid." A poster child for the United Negro College Fund, Danzell said he was chosen because he had brain damage from a childhood accident (was shot by police running from the scene of an armed robbery at age 12). Has "A Mind Is A Terrible Thing" tattooed on his right shoulder. Assistant Coach Bud Casey said Danzell scored well on his entrance exam.


Bruce "Tool Room" Dye, 5-3, 120 lbs. Tight End from Auburn, AL H.S. Said he really prefers to be a "wide receiver." Son of Auburn Coach Pat Dye. Bruce does not appear to be physically overpowering, but claims to have licked everyone on his high school wrestling team. A hard worker, he has been known to practice his three-point stance while showering after practice. "I liked the atmosphere at Auburn," Bruce said, "especially the Haley Center." He was heavily recruited by the University of San Francisco, who heard of him through word of mouth. Bruce stated he would like to remain in the Auburn area because, "that's where my roots are from." Assistant Coach Bud Casey said Bruce tested well on his entrance exam.


Willy "Night Train" Smith, 6-4, 185 lbs. Quarterback from Fairmont H.S., Opelika. Born on an Amtrak train near Chicago and rumored to have brain damage, Smith played high school ball under the name of Leroy Brown. His birth certificate indicates that he is 34 years old. He wanted to go to Nebraska because he thought the "N" on the Cornhuskers helmets stood for "nowledge." He believes Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in southwest Atlanta. When asked if he could pass a football, Smith said he thought he could if he could only swallow it. Is married to the former Formica Dinette Washington from Huntsville. Wants to be a lawyer following graduation. Assistant Coach Bud Casey said Smith tested well on his entrance exam.


Tyronne "Python" Sullivan, 6-7, 175 lbs. Lineman from Waycross H.S., Waycross, GA. Claims to be related to Bo Jackson and Jeff Burger. Sullivan, at age 18, is the oldest of 14 children. He was not recruited by other schools because of his pending murder charge. "I couldn't have wasted that dude, man, because on that day I had been captured by aliens and taken to the planet Kadilacca where they tried to melt my brain." Coach Dye said he believed Sullivan's story because, "The exact same thing happened to me shortly after I came to Auburn." Sullivan was arrested last year with 2,000 paper bags which had been stolen from a local store. "I wanted to lead the team in sacks," he told arresting officers. Assistant Coach Bud Casey said Sullivan scored well on his entrance exam.



---------                      ------- ----------

* You want.             <==>    I know what you should want.

* We need.              <==>    I want.

* It's your decision.   <==>    I'm totally clueless, so you decide

                                and I'll just take half the credit.

* Do what you want.     <==>    I'll just sit on the couch and sulk.

* We need to talk.      <==>    I need to complain

* Sure,... go ahead     <==>    I don't want you to, but I'll use this

                                next time we fight to show how

                                supportive I am.

* I'm hungry.           <==>    (a) Make me something to eat

                                (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape

                                    together your last $$, go drive

                                    to the supermarket, pick up enough

                                    for my buddies and me, come back,

                                    cook, and oh, while you're up get me

                                    a beer... I don't care if what you

                                    are doing is important.

* I'm not upset.        <==>    Of course I'm upset, but only a wuss

                                would admit it.

* You're,... so         <==>    Do you do laundry..cook..windows..bake?


* I'm feeling           <==>    There's no game on tonight.

  romantic tonight.

* I'm not emotional!    <==>    I'm losing my hair.

  And I'm not over-


* Be romantic, turn     <==>    Beer gut?  What beer gut...Ohh....uh..

  out the lights.

* This kitchen is so    <==>    I can't see the tv from here.


* The car isn't running <==>    I want a bigger engine and more knobs to

  right.                        play with.

* The dishwasher is     <==>    I've run out of places to hide the dirty

  full.                         dishes.

* The remote is broken. <==>    Come here wherever you are and change

                                the channel for me.

* My tools are obsolete.<==>    I can't figure out how to work the old

                                ones and the commercial says even a

                                chimp can use the new ones.

* I need new shoes      <==>    The pair that I've had since high school

                                fell apart in the rain last week.

* I know where I am.    <==>    Oh God!  Where the *$^#@! am I?!

* Want to snuggle?      <==>    I noticed you were almost asleep.

* Do you love me?       <==>    I've done something stupid and you might

                                find out.

* Do you *really*       <==>    I've done something stupid and you're

  love me?                      going to find out sooner or later.

* How much do you love  <==>    I've done something *really* stupid and

  me?                           someone's on their way to tell you now.


 In answer to "What's Wrong?"


* Nothing               <==>    I'm in the middle of a fantasy.  Go


* Everything            <==>    Some gorgeous 18 yr. old called me "Sir"

* Nothing, really       <==>    It's just that I'm such an asshole.

* I don't want to talk  <==>    I'm impotent.

  about it.


To: All Employees


Re: Restroom Use Policy During Meetings


In the past employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective January 1, 1994, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.


Under the policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip credit of three (3). Restroom Trip credits can be accumulated from month to month.


Within two weeks, the entrance to both restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to his/her supervisor.


If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank Balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, both restrooms are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the restroom is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the restroom door will fly open. If the restroom remains occupied, your picture will be taken automatically.


The picture will then be posted on the faculty bulletin board. Anyone's picture showing up three times will be subject to disciplinary action which may result in termination.


If you have any questions about this policy, please contact you friendly supervisor. We thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation.


The Management

Donkey Racing in Texas


A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the race. However, at the local auction the going prices for horses was so steep that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day, the racing form carried this headline:


"Preacher's Ass Shows"


The preacher was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the races again. This time he won and the form read:


"Preacher's Ass Out In Front"


The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper headline that day:


"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"


This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day read:


"Nun Has Best Ass In Town"


The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The next day's headlines stated:


"Nun Peddled Ass For Ten Bucks"


They buried the Bishop the next day.


Wherein it is related how that Polygon of Womanly Virtue, young Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that Notorious Villian Curly PI, and factored (oh horrors!).


Once upon a time (1/T) Pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns closed in from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean space.


She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.


Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.


"Arcsinh!" she gasped.


"Ho, Ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see your angles have lots of secs."


"Oh, Sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."


"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary."


"i, i," she thought. "Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous."


"What order are you?" the brute demanded.


"Seventeen," replied Polly.


Curly leered, "I suppose you've never been operated on."


"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I'm absolutely convergent!"


"Come, come," said Curly. "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."


"Never!" gasped Polly.


"Abscissa!" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a natural log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algoritmic method was now her only hope. She felt his hand tending toward her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.


There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's locii quivered. He integrated her by parts. He integrated her by fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Cutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis. Then, he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.


When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But, it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she went to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.


The moral of the sad story is this:


"If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom."

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms.  The writers were attempting to summarize details of accidents in the fewest words possible.  (Toronto News)


1. Going home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree that I don’t have.


2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.


3. I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my head through it.


4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.


5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.


6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.


7. The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.


8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced over at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.


9. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.


10. I had been shopping for pants all day and was on the way home.  As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.


11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.


12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.


13. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.


14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.


15. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.


16. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.


17. I told the police that I was not hurt, but upon removing my hat, found that I had a ruptured skull.


18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.


19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.


20. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.


21. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.


22. I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.


Sentences Which Have Actually Appeared On Insurance Claims


1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.


2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.


3. I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand through it.


4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.


5. The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.


6. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.


7. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.


8. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.


9. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.


10. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.


11. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.


12. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.


13. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.


14. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.


15. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.


16. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.


17. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end.


18. I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for vacation with injuries.

"I love pancakes," said Tom flippantly.

"My pants are wrinkled," said Tom ironically.

"I've run out of laundry detergent," said Tom cheerlessly.

"I hate pineapples," said Tom dolefully.

"The stock market's going up," said Tom bullishly.

"Brew me another coffee," said Tom perkily

"You're a real zero," said Tom naughtily

"No, Eve, I won't touch that apple," said Tom adamantly.

"I'll have the dark bread," said Tom wryly.

"Look at those newborn kittens," said Tom literally.

"I must attend my flock," said Tom sheepishly.

"I dropped my toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.

"Let's all play an A, a C#, and an E," cried the band with one accord.

"I can't play the guitar because my fingers are too big," said Tom  fretfully.

"I practiced three hours on my guitar," said Tom pluckily.

"Hand me my guitar," commanded Rod regally.

"Dawn came too soon," Tom mourned.

"This has been a grave undertaking," said Tom cryptically.

"Have a ride in my new ambulance," said Tom hospitably.

"Oh my goodness!" said Tom graciously.

"Is this sodomy?" asked Tom, half in earnest.

"I am not a homosexual necrophiliac," said Tom in dead earnest.

 1.  "I'm glad I passed my electrocardiogram," said Tom wholeheartedly

 2.  "Dear, yu've lost you birth control pills," said Tom pregnantly.

 3.  "No, Eve, I won't touch that apple," said Tom adamantly.

 4.  "Well, I'll be an S.O.B.," said Tom doggedly.

 5.  "There's too much vermouth in my martini," said Tom dryly.

 6.  "You gave me two less than a dozen," said Tom tensely.

 7.  "I'm in bed with the mumps," said Tom infectiously.

 8.  "What I do best on a camping trip is sleep," said Tom intently.

 9.  "I'll see if I can dig it up for you," said Tom gravely.

10. "Why don't you try on this negligee?" asked Tom transparently.

11. "Have a ride in my new ambulance," said Tom hospitably.

12. "I'm off for the racetrack," said Tom hoarsely.

13. "I do admire Raquel Welch's acting," said Tom figuratively.

14. "Aren't five cups of tea too many from one bag?" asked Tom weakly


Law As It Should Be


One evening after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and remarked: "I'd give $50 to spend the night with that woman." To their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark and turning around she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and pleasant voice, so, after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man presented her with $25 and prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating: "If you don't give me the other $25, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds."


The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in Court as defendant in a law suit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds but it will be interesting to see how the case is presented."


After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the Court as follows: "Your Honor, my client -- this lady here -- is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but, upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."


The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to present it. "Your Honor," he said, "My client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property; that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being performed personally by him. We claim that these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."


The young lawyer's comeback was thus: "Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property, and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."


And She Got It!

In the beginning there was the plan.


And then came the assumptions.

And the assumptions were without form.

And the plan was completely without substance.


And darkness fell upon the face of the workers.

And they spoke amongst themselves saying:

"It is a crock of shit, and it stinkith!"


And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth:

"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof!"


And the Supervisors went unto the Managers and sayeth unto them:

"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,

such that none may abide by it!"


And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayent:

"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength!"


And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another:

"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong!"


And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth:

"It promotes growth and is very powerful!"


And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him:

This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency

of this company, and these areas in particular...."


And the President looked upon the plan,

and saw that it was good,

and the Plan became Policy.


This is how Shit Happens.



Corporate Ladder at Software LTD.



Faster than a speeding bullet

Stronger than a locomotive

Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound

Walks on water

Talks with God


Can keep up with speeding bullets

Wins tug-of-war against small trains

Can leap tall buildings with favorable winds

Walks on water on calm days

Talks with God by appointment only

Jr. Vice-president

Carries a MAC-10 at all times

Pulls trains with his teeth

Leaps small buildings with running start

Walks on water in indoor swimming pools

God occasionally grants requests for a talk

Division Manager

Carries a sawed-off shotgun when in bad end of town

Owns his own train

Climbs up the sides of buildings

Competes in Olympics doing the Butterfly

Catches a glimpse of God every now and then

Project Director

Is not issued live ammunition

Is afraid of trains

Climbs up and down the fire escape

Swims well

Has a picture of God on his desk

Office Manager

Carries cap gun

Has a model train set in his basement

Uses front and rear doors of building

Can dog-paddle

Always carries a cross in case of vampire attack

Programming Supervisor

Needs assistance when refilling his water-gun

Chases trains (and cars)

Gets stuck in revolving doors

Wears life-jacket whenever near water

Says his prayers every night and before nap-time

System Programmer

Catches speeding bullets with his teeth

Kicks trains off the tracks

Picks up buildings and walks under them

Moves lakes out of his way

He is God


Grades of Programmers

Drake Koefoed


1) Systems programmers. These guys wrote the operating system. They do not care if anyone but other systems programmers know who they are. Never code in anything but assembler.


2) Utilities programmers. Write small programs that do specific jobs. Do not care if anyone who does not know how to use a computer knows who they are. Seldom code in anything but assembler.


3) Applications programmers. Write big bloated things that don't do anything in particular. Do not care if anyone but payroll knows who they are. Usually code in C but occasionally rough it and code in assembler.


4) Miscellaneous programmers. Write various things that probably did not need to be done. Usually code in Basic. Think it is hard. Want everyone who uses computers to know who they are.


5) Student programmers. Write what the professor tells them to. Usually code in Pascal. Want everyone at school to know who they are.


6) Batch programmers. Write silly things to put pictures on the screen or whatever. Code in the batch language. Want everybody to watch some silly thing run.


7) Pseudo programmers. Don't actually write code at all. Pretend to know many languages under the mistaken impression that there is any point in that. Pseudo programmers come in a number of varieties:


a) Hardware bigots. Sure that whatever they have on their desk is vastly better than what someone else has on his. Have no concept of what a (1) could get out of even an XT with a single floppy if management would only let him.


b) Software bigots. Sure that whatever bug infested bloated piece of junk they run is the best. Unable to understand the question, "Best for what?" Would not know the greatest application ever written if it did not have pop up menus. Software bigots spend lots of money on programs to do things that could be done in DOS. Don't actually know what code is, but try to give the impression that they write it.


c) Flamers. Could not code their way out of a C:> prompt. Don't know what a language is. Often criticize the work of people who are smarter than a flamer when they are passed out drunk.




1) Master users. Can make an application do what it is supposed to do. Really. Solve their own problems.


2) Power users. Can do the setup for Windows, and can also afford to buy a 386-33 with a 130 meg 19 ms hard drive, VGA monitor, 10 meg of ram, a big fat tape backup and a bunch of other junk like that. The major thing they do with their computers is set them up. Call 800 numbers a lot.


3) Ordinary users. Can make an application do more or less what it was supposed to do unless something goes wrong. Call their gurus a lot.


4) Consultants. Actually know almost nothing, but are experts at seeming to know, and dress well. When they don't know, which is usually, they make excuses. Call tech support a lot. Are occasionally allowed to speak with a (3). Never get through to a (1). Would not understand him if they did.


5) Novices. Have no idea what they are doing. Delete command.com. Can get an application started, but do not know how to get back out. Most valuable knowledge is that if you turn the computer off, it will stop whatever it is doing. Are desperate. Call everyone a lot.


6) Sysops. Run the most gawdawful software in the world, namely a bbs. Delete lots of things. Can get the board "up" but never quite get it to work right. Love big hard drives. Leave lots of messages. Pay the most attention to their wives when the wives log on. Wish someone would upload a new file, and then wish they had more space on the drives. Want a faster modem. Call other sysops a lot. But not voice.


7) Pseudo users. Pretend to use computers. In fact do not know where the on switch is. Fond of saying computers can think. Cannot do so themselves.


8) Non users. Do everything with a typewriter, and have lots of reasons why computers are not really so great when you get right down to it. Believe pseudo users, and secretly envy them.


Standard Disclaimer


This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Package sold by weight, not volume. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer. Call now to insure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Live on tape. Your mileage may vary. Oleomargerine served here. Sightly enlarged to show detail. Hand wash only. Tumble dry on low heat. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. No substitutions allowed. No user-servicable parts inside. For a limited time only. Offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied. User assumes full liabilities. Not liable for damages due to use or misuse. Quantities are limited while supplies last. Keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children. Limit one-per-family. No money down. You need not be present to win. Some assembly required. Batteries are not included. Action figures sold separately. Winners responsible for applicable taxes. No preservatives added. Safety goggles may be required during use. Sealed for your protection. Do not use if the safety seal is broken. For external use only. If a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use. Use only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures. Store in a cool dry place. Keep away from open flames. Avoid inhaling fumes. Avoid contact with mucous membranes. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not place near flammable or magnetic source. Printed on recycled fibers. No animals used in testing. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. Slightly higher west of the Rockies. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Does not cover damage from hurricane, lightning, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, broken antenna or marred cabinet, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered serial numbers, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments, and incidents owing to airplane crash, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, leaky roof, broken glass, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, flying projectiles, or dropping. Other restrictions may apply.


County Western Song Titles


I'm Not Married But The Wife Is

I'm Havin' Daydreams about Night Things in the Middle of the Afternoon

If I Said You had a Beautiful Body Would You Hold it Against Me?

Get Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, I'm Kissin' You Goodbye

I've Got Tears in my Ears from Laying on my Back and Crying Over You

I don't Want your Body if Your Heart's not in it

Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On the Bedpost Overnight?

Don't Cry On My Shoulders Cause Your Rustin' My Spurs

Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the Goal posts of Life.

Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares.

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

I Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral.

I Can't Love Your Body if Your Heart's Not In It

I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling.

I Fell In A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me

I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine

I Meant Every Word That He Said

I Wanna Whip Your Cow

I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town.

I Would Have Writ You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yecch!

I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy.

I'll Get Over You, as Soon as You Get Out From Under Him

I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate our Home.

I'm Just A Bug On The WIndshield of Life.

I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

I've Got Four On the Floor and a Fifth Under The Seat

I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in My Bed 'n' Cryin' Over You.

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?

If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight?

If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love

If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

It Takes Me All Night Long To Do, What I Used To Do, All Night Long

Learning to Live Again is Killing Me.

May The Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose

My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

Oh, I've Got Hair Oil on My Ears, and My Glasses are Slipping Down, but Baby I Can See Through You.

Oh, Lord! It's Hard to be Humble When You're Perfect in Every Way

She Got the Gold Mine, and I Got the Shaft

She Got the Ring, I Got the Finger.

She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty

She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without.

Swing Wide Your Gate of Love

Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone

There Ain't No Waste in My Baby's Love Canal

They May Put me in Prison, but They Can't Stop My Face from Breakin' Out.

When the Phone Don't Ring, Baby, you'll Know it's me.

You Can't Deal Me All the Aces and Expect Me Not to Play.

You Can't Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd

You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat.

You're Ruining my Bad Reputation.

You're The Reason Our Baby's So Ugly


Management Qualifying Examination


Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.


History: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively on its social, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.


Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.


Public Speaking: 2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.


Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.


Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.


Psychology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.


Management Science: Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.


Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.


Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.


Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.


Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.


Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.


Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.


General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.


Extra Credit: Define the universe; give three examples.

Microsoft Marriage License Agreement


This is a legal agreement between you (either an individual or entity), the betrothed, and William H. Gates III.


If you do not agree to the terms of the agreement, promptly return the engagement ring and the accompanying items (shower gifts, wedding invitations, Porsches, and other items) to the place you obtained them.




a) Dedicated use. Microsoft grants you the right to access the Microsoft executive identified above, hereafter referred to as BILL 3.0, at your place of residence after business hours. You may accompany BILL 3.0 to industry trade shows PROVIDED you do so no more than once every thirty (30) days. However, you are restricted from blowing kisses, rolling your eyes, making rude hand gestures, or falling asleep during BILL 3.0 keynote addresses.


b) Transity Use. Notwithstanding a), your continued use of BILL 3.0 requires you to have physical possession of an original marriage license (either this agreement or an equivalent designed by the State of Washington) at all times. While in transit, you may access BILL 3.0 from a public telephone, over a cellular network, or any other method you choose, so long as you otherwise comply with this agreement.




You acknowledge that BILL 3.0 is, in fact, owned by the Microsoft Corporation and is protected by the United States Constitution and the Propeller Head Protection Act of 1981. You may (a) make no more than one genetic clone of BILL 3.0 solely for backup or archival purposes, or (b) transfer BILL 3.0 to a cryogenic facility in the event of an unrecoverable failure.




You may not transfer free use of BILL 3.0 to another party. However, you must transfer your rights under this Microsoft License Agreement on a permanent basis if BILL 3.0 requires an unscheduled upgrade. In that event, this license agreement will be terminated. You will return BILL 3.0 and all accompanying materials to the newly designated recipient of license. You may not decompile or disassemble the assets of BILL 3.0 for your benefit.




The BILL 3.0 package is capable of interfacing in multiple modes. In the event of impaired functionality, you may not interface with another system or network, or loan, rent, or lease, or transfer your affections to another user except as part of a transfer or other use expressly permitted by this Microsoft License Agreement.




It is warranted that (a) BILL 3.0 will perform substantially in accordance with industry standard marriage manuals for a period of ninety (90) days, and (b) any physical facilities accompanying BILL 3.0 will be free of defects in function and condition under normal use and service for a period of one (1) year.




BILL 3.0's entire liability and your exclusive remedy shall be (a) return of the emotional price paid for acquisition of BILL 3.0, (b) replacement of BILL 3.0 with a new mate that performs in a similar manner, or (c) a lifetime supply of Microsoft mice. Petitions for divorce must be returned to the Microsoft legal department with a copy of your receipt. All warranties are void if failure of BILL 3.0 to perform has resulted from a household accident, verbal abuse, or premature product release.


These remedies are not available outside of Redmond, Washington.




Microsoft disclaims all other warranties, either express or implied, including but not limited to implied warranties of performance, function, or fitness for a particular purpose with respect to BILL 3.0.




In no event shall Microsoft be liable for any damages whatsoever (including, without limitation, damages for lost sleep, interruption of social events, loss of companionship, or other pecuniary domestic losses) arising out of your use of or inability to use BILL 3.0, even if Microsoft has been advised of the possibility of such damages.

Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.


One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68040 in the main drive (he had missed the S100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."


Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL and a PR1ME mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over the place.


He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit floating point processors and enquired "How are you, Honeywell?". "Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.


Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight", he said, "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."


Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8 K. "I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"


They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bucket of baudot. Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave the occassional acknowledgements, although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old 'Would you like to_see_my_benchmark routine', but Mini was again one step ahead.


Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM", she said. Micro was loaded by this; his hardware was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core", was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.


Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.


"No, no!", she cried, "You're not shielded!"


"Reset, Baby", he replied, "I've been debugged."


"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes", she protested.


"Don't run away", he said, "I'll generate an interrupt."


"No, that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."


Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.


"Computers!", she thought, as she recompiled herself. "All they ever think about is HEX!"


My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for reservations.


She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the "B.C." "Does the campground have its own "B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.


Well, the campground owner wasn't oldfashioned at all, and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what she was talking about. That "B.C." business really stumped him.


After worrying about it for a while he showed the letter to several campers but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant, either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be talking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:


Dear Madam:


I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but now I take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great many people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.


The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.


I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is not lack of desire on our part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.


If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go; sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember - this is a friendly community.

Dieting Under Stress


This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.


1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz. skim milk


4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie


Mid-Afternoon Snack:
Rest of the Oreos in package
2 pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream


2 loaves of garlic bread with cheese
Large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars


Late Evening Snack: Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer


Rules For This Diet


1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat, it has no calories.


2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.


3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.


4. Food used for medicinal purposes never count: such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.


5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.


6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel: such as Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.


7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.


8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples: peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich, and ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.


9. Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.

Some Of My Poetry That I Wish To Share With You


The following passages are excerpts from poetry that I, Jon Fernelius Gillette, present for your aesthetic needs. Following the poem, I have included the symbolic interpretation delivered by Dr. Gerard O'Swellie, professor of Humanities at Oberland College.


A Poem Written by Charlie Brown's Mother


Wah Hwahhwaaha
Pahwahhwahwa Hwa,
Pawahhwa Hwapwahhaha.
Pahwahwa. Wah.


Interpretation The author is definitely influenced by Cynthia Plath as he delves into the passionate plea for representation maintained by one nameless stereotypical entity. An exhaustive study of the text reveals that the expression "hwa" appears eleven times, often intertwined with the demanding "Pah". The third line (reading "Pahwa.") seemed to most startle me upon my first reading. As I continued to study the line, I found that this was perhaps more powerful than my initial instinct had revealed. Not only has Charlie Brown's Mother been suffering severe abuse throughout her life, but also has she always had a disliking toward a certain "broccoli ghoulash." Furthermore, the "Hwapwah" is attached directly to the "haha" in the fourth line, the double-h indicating a sort of breathlessness on behalf of the speaker. Obviously, spring has come and the speaker mourns the arrival of Peppermint Patty on all but two of the weekdays immediately after the equinox. The "Wah" at the conclusion of the poem can be nothing more than a sigh, demonstrating her carelessness for her son and her discouragement over the lack of a baseball coach for Charlie's team. A wholistic approach reveals that perhaps -- in her own childhood -- Charlie Brown's Mother had the football pulled from her approach as she aimlessly ran to kick it on several occassions.




The plaid shirt I wore to shield my body from wind was too hot for June.


Interpretation: The outer meaning is quite simple: A man plagued by his recent financial venture involving a delicatessen has moved into a luxurious, yet rat-infested, two-story rambler in Wyoming. While traveling down a dirt road toward an RV park in Evanston, the man is imprisoned for firing buckshots at the tires of an ambulance also headed for the RV park. A mammoth court case erupts and when the deliberations are complete, it is discovered that the man does not even own a gun and was not responsible for the accident. It is also discovered that the ambulance was not headed to the RV park. The inner meaning consists of turmoil over whether a person should set a VCR to tape at SP or LP speeds.

The following is a compilation of hilarious errors that have been made on tests, quizzes, essays, assignments, and other stuff by students.


One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the British put tacks in the tea. Also, the colonists would send their mail through the post without stamps. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.


Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin and gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He died in 1790, and is still dead.


George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.


France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baronness, she couldn't bear children.


The frontier was a harsh land. There were heroes like Cling Eastwood, Davy Croquet, and Dan Knee Boom. They fought Indians, helped ladies in dispress, fought in gumfights, tied up cows (hense the name cowboys), and rode off into the sunset.


Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he made with his own hands. When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall, silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the fourteenth amendment gave the ex-negros citizenship. But, the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-negros and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and order. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.


The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of 100 men. Samuel morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium, and Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.


The first World War, caused by the assination of the Austrian Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new era in the anals of human history.

Application To Live In North Carolina


Name...............Nickname............Cb Handle.....................

Address (Rfd)........................................................

Daddy (If Unknown, List Possible Suspects)...........................


Neck Shade:  Light Red.......Medium Red.........Dark Red.............


Make/Model Of Pickup Truck.........Brand Of Lift Kit Installed.......

Number Of Empty Beer Cans On Floor Of Truck..........................

Optional Equipment Installed:

Gun Rack........Mud Flaps.........Camper Shell........Air Horns.......

8-Track.........Fuzz Buster.......Confederate Flag....Winch...........

Spittoon........4-Wheel Drive.....Hijacker Shocks.....Mud Tires.......

Running Boards..Load Of Wood......Dual Cb Antenna.....Raccoon Tail....


Bumper Sticker:

Eat More Possum...................Wave If You're Horny................

Free Moustache Rides..............Redman Chewing Tobacco..............

Honk If You Love Jesus............Shit Happens........................


Define The Following: (Must Get 90% Right)







Brunswick Stew....................Pork Rinds..........................

Moon Pie..........................Field Peas..........................

Redeye Gravy......................Stump Broke.........................

Fish Muddle.......................Tarheel.............................


Favorite Vocalists:

Donna Fargo......Conway Twiddy......Loretta Lynn......Hank Willams....

Elvis............Johnny Cash........Tammy Wynette.....Boxcar Willie...

Willie Nelson....George Jones.......Roger Whitaker....Porter Wagoner..


Favorite Recreation:

Square Dancin'..........Pitchin' Shoes...........Spittin' Backy.......

Coon Huntin'............Kissin' Cousins..........4-Wheelin'...........

Drankin'................Cow Chip Tossin'.........Blue Grass Singin'...


Weapons Owned:

Deer Rifle..............Bird Gun.................Pit Bull............

Chain Saw...............Tire Iron................Pick Handle.........

Ball Bat................Varmint Rifle............Carpenter's Level....


Number Of Hound Dogs:......Blue Tick......Black&Tan.......Blood.......

Number Of Weeks Unemployed:......Number Of Welfare Checks Received....

Number Of Dependents:(Legal)....(Claimed)........

Length Of Legs:(Right).......(Left)........

Does Your Truck Have Spots Painted Primer Red?(Official State Color)

How Many Cars Do You Have Sitting On Blocks In Your Front Yard?

How Many Kitchen Appliances Do You Keep On Your Front Porch?

When Was Your Last Elvis Sighting?........Where?.......

Does Your Wife Weigh More Than Your Pickup?

Have You Ever Been Sober For A Whole Weekend?....Why?........


Job Performance Appraisal









Superior performance

Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.

Is faster than a speeding bullet.

Is stronger than a locomotive.

Walks on water.

Talks with God.

Far Exceeds Job Requirements

Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings.

Is as fast as a speeding bullet.

Is stronger than a bull elephant.

Walks on water in emergencies.

Talks with the Angels.

Exceeds Job Requirements

Can only leap over short buildings or medium with no spirals.

Not as fast as a speeding bullet.

Is stronger than a bull.

Washes with water.

Talks to himself.

Meets Job Requirements

Crashes into buildings when attempting to jump over them.

Would you believe a slow bullet.

Shoots the bull.

Drinks water.

Argues with himself.

Does Not Meet Minimum Requirements

Cannot recognize buildings at all; what's more cannot jump.

Wounds self with bullet when attempting to shoot.

Smells like a bull.

Passes water in emergencies.

Loses arguments with self.



Church Bulletin Bloopers


Wednesday at 7:30 there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please meet with the minister in his study.


All members are invited to a potluck supper on Wednesday at 6:00. Prayer and medication will follow.


During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.


Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.


Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.


A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.


Tuesday at 5 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.


This being Easter, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.


The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."


The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.


For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.


The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.


The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.


On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.


The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.


Tonight’s sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.


Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help.



From: General Manager
To: Department Heads
On Friday evening at approximately 5PM, Halley's Comet will be visible in this area, an event which occurs only once every 76 years. Please have the employees assemble in the park area outside the building and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the employees in the canteen and i will show them a film of it.


From: Department Heads
To: Deputy Department Head
By order of the general manager, on Friday at 5PM, Halley's Comet will appear above the area outside the building. If it rains, please assemble the employees and proceed to the canteen, where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only every 76 years.


From: Deputy Department Head
To: Superintendent
By order of the general manager, at 5PM on Friday, the phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the canteen. In case of rain in the area outside the building, the general manager will give another order, something which occurs every 76 years.


From: Superintendent
To: Foreman
On Friday at 5PM, the general will appear in the canteen with Halley's Comet, something which happens every 76 years. It it rains, the GM will order the comet into the area outside the building.


From: Foreman
To: Team Leader
When it rains on Friday at 5PM, the phenomenal 77-year-old Bill Halley, accompanied by his Comets, will drive the general manager through the area outside the building to the canteen.


From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994.

Reprinted without permission


Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines, And No Question Seems To Be Too Basic


AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.


"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operations.


Personal-computer makers are discovering that it's still a low-tech world out there. While they are finally having great success selling PCs to households, they now have to deal with people to whom monitors and disk drives are a foreign as another language.


"It is rather mystifying to get this nice, beautiful machine and not know anything about it," says Ed Shuler, a technician who helps field consumer calls at Dell's headquarters here. "It's going into unfamiliar territory," adds Gus Kolias, vice president of customer service and training for Compaq Computer Corp. "People are looking for a comfort level."


Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started charging help-line users.


The questions are often so basic that they could have been answered by opening the manual that comes with every machine. One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell director of technical support, the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read a book."


Indeed, it seems that these buyers rarely refer to a manual when a phone is at hand. "If there is a book and a phone and they're side by side, the phone wins time after time," says Craig McQuilkin, manager of service marketing for AST Research, Inc. in Irvine, Calif. "It's a phenomenon of people wanting to talk to people."


And do they ever. Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, 'What power switch?'"


Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."


Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technical support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschang says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.


Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette, roll it into the typewriter..."


At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.


The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.


Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."


No realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and then removing all the keys and washing them individually.


Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.


These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background.


There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling uplifted by the process.


"A lot of people want reassurance," says Mr. Shuler.

Shit Happens In Various World Religions


Taoism: Shit happens.

If you can shit, it isn't shit.

Shit happens, so flow with it.


Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.

She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,

she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)

Please this flower and buy our shit.


Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".

Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen properly."


Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

If shit happens, it isn't really happening to anyone.

Shit will happen again to you next time.

Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.


Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?


7th Day Adventism:

Shit happens on Saturdays.


Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before.

This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.

This shit happening IS you.


Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.

If shit happens, praise the lord for it!


Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.


Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession.


Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

Have faith that shit will happen.


Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.


Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.

You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.


Charismatic Catholicism:

Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.


Judaism: Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?


Conservative Judaism:

Why does shit always happen to us?


Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?

Shit happens to whom it may concern.


Orthodox Judaism:

So shit happens, already!


Islam: We don't take any shit.


Sunni Islam: If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better submit!



If shit happens, take a hostage.


Nation of Islam: Don't take no shit!


New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar.

A firm shit does not happen to me.

This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.

I create my own shit.

If shit happens, honor it and share it.


Were all part of the same shit.

For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.


Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.

The Goddess makes shit happen.


Jehovah's Witnesses:

No shit happens until Armaggedon.

There is only a limited amount of good shit.

Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."

Here, we insist you take our shit.

Shit happens door to door.

Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.


Secular Humanism:

Shit evolves.


Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.


Creationism: ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.


Christian Science:

When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.

Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.

Our shit will take care of itself.

Shit happens in your mind.


Atheism: I don't believe this shit!

Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.

No shit!

It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.


Religion from an Atheist's point of view:

I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.


Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not.

What is this shit?!

I don't know shit!

How can we know if shit happens?

You can't prove any of this shit!


Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Hey, this is good shit, mon.


Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it.

Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)

Hey, there's more shit happening over here!

Our shit is better than your shit.

Shit happens again & again & again ...


Energizer Bunny:

Shit happens and happens and happens and ...


Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.

We'll wash the shit right off you.


Southern Baptist:

Shit will happen. Praise the lord!


Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!


Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.

Let's stick some pins in this shit!

This shit's gonna get you!


Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening...


Unitarianism: What is this Shit?

We affirm the right for shit to happen.

Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.

It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.


Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.


Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes.


EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen.

You're responsible for all the shit that happens.


Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible.

Shit happens, but don't publish it.


Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.


Amish: Shit is good for the soil.

This modern shit is worthless.


Native Americans:

Shit is sacred when it happens.


Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.

Sushi happens.


Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.


Stoicism: This shit happening is good for me.


Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.

Christianity stole half its shit from us.


Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?

Shit happens universally.


Mysticism: This is really weird shit.


Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.


Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.


Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?


Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you.

We will make your shit happen.


Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen!


Scientology: All this happens to be shit.

If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.

This shit happened before, but we can clean it up if you pay us enough.


Feminism: This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up!


Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!


Sikhism: Leave our shit alone.


Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish.


Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit.


Lubavitcher Hassidism:

Blessed are they upon whom He sends His most holy Shit to happen.


Mithraism: Bull shit happens.


Branch Davidianism:

May shit happen to the FBI!

If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue...

David thinks he's hot shit.


Divorcism: She's full of shit!

He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit.

... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!


Creation Science:

Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.


Discordianism: Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.


Kibology: What's shit, and where can I get some?


Spam: Spam happens.


SubGenius: Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to



Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)



Shit Happens In Other Various Ways


Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?


An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill.

You may only shit during coffee breaks.


An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?

This shit's not part of my contract.


Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable.


Political Correctness: Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological output happens.


Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.


Quantum Shittydynamics: Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.


Einsteinism: God does not play shit with the universe.

Shit is Relative.


Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:

Relatives are Shit.


Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.


Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...


Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I don't know anything about it.


Reagan: Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.


Quayle: Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?


Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit.

I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....


Bush: Read my lips: no more shit!

Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.

This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.

This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it.

This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.


Baker: Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?


Saddam: The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least I'm still in power.


Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.


McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?


Martin Luther King: Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...

I have a shit...


Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)


Kennedy: Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country.


John Paul Jones: I have not yet begun to shit.


James Tiberius Kirk:... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!


Shirley MacClaine: Haven't I seen this shit before...


Neil Armstrong: One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind.


Shakespeare: To shit or not to shit, that is the question.


Communism: It's everybody's shit.


Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.

Dictatorship of the shit.


Socialism: The same shit happens to everyone.


Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you!

If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.


Americanism: Who gives a shit?


Materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit wins.


Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit.


Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.


Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit.


Epicureanism: Shit happens - in moderation.


Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.

Shit happening is absurd.


Realism: I think I need to take a shit.


Denialism: What shit?


Purism: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.



I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.


Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.


Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever.


Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!


Surrealism: Fish.


Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!


Fetishism: I love it when shit happens.


Masochism: Do shit to ME.


Sadism: I will shit on you!


Dyslexia: Tihs happens.



Shit Happens To Computers


Computer Science: There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt


Database: Where is that shit?


Compiler: I don't care if it's shit, as long as it has semicolons in the right places.


UNIX: Shit dumped.


VAX/VMS: No Privilege for attempted shit.


IBM/DOS: It's shit, but it's compatible.


Windows: The same shit as DOS, only GUIer.


X/Motif: That's another client's shit.


PDP-11: It used to be good shit...


Cray: If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't need a supercomputer...


Macintosh: ('nuff said)


Pascal: Hey! That shit's the wrong type!


C: It's shit, but it's efficient.


C++: It's shit that's in a class by itself.


Assembler: 0x000000: 53 68 69 74 20 48 61 70 70 65 6E 73 21


Ada: It's a PACKAGE of shit, AND it's PRIVATE shit.


Lisp: (defun Does_Shit_Happen(exp)(cond(t t)))


Fortran: It's shit, but I don't know any better.




BASIC: It's shit.




Shit Happens According To The Philospohers


Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit


Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.


Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?


Aristotle: The essence of shittyness...


Archimedes: Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float?

Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.


Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit?

I shit, therefore I am.


Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):

The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.


Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.


Sartre: Shit is meaningless!

What is shit, anyway?


Freud: Shit is a phallic symbol.


Godel: It can be proved that it cannot be proved that shit happens.


Shit Happens In Various Professions


Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...


Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.


Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.


Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.


Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.


Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.

Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!

Damn this shit smells...


Biologist: Is this shit alive?


Botanist: What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.


Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.


Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...


CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.

(1990's) Oooh, SHIT!


Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.


Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.

Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...


Acupuncturist: Hold still or it will hurt like shit.

Let all that shit go.

This will really get the energy shit moving.


Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?


Psychologist: Shit is in your mind.

Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.


Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.


Social Scientist:

Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...


Historian: The same shit happens again and again.


Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected.

If you elect me, shit will never again happen.

Shit happening is bad for the economy.

My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.


Waitress: You want fries with that shit?


Teacher: Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?


Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.


Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?


Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)


Quality Control Inspector:

This shit ain't good enough.


IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.


Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.


Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.


Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out.


NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...


Mechanic: Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.


Chef: It needs some more of this green shit.


Musician: This shit is out of tune.


Artist: If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.

Shit, I wish I thought of that.

Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.


Poet: My childhood was shit, let me share.

Ode to a Grecian Shit.

My love is like a red, red shit.

... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit...


Developer: Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance programmers.



Shit Happens To Your Pets


Dog: All I do is eat, sleep and shit.

I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.

When I catch a car, it will shit!

Oh shit, I caught it!


Cat: Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?

Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.

Dogs are shit.

I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in the corner. It is the dog's.


Fish: All I do is eat, swim and shit.

Always the same dried shit for dinner?


Snake: If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.



The Laws Of Thermodynamics For Sanitation Engineers


0th: There is shit.

1st: You can't get rid of it.

2nd: It gets deeper.

3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.



Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
(Updated [February 23, 1994])
Compiled by Harold Reynolds




The following is a list of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible.




In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.


a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.


b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.


c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.


d) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet.


e) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent--your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave. If you can't be bothered to eat the food you've just caught, be considerate and don't waste it; it makes a perfect gift for humans! Carefully pick it up and carry it to the human's house and, if the door is closed, leave it on the doorstep. If the door is open, or there is a cat-flap, take it inside and leave it somewhere highly visible. The gift will be even more welcome if it is still alive! Live birds and mice make the best gifts as humans love a good game of chase just as much as you do, although be careful not to help them; it's their gift after all. (Adapted from a contribution by Steven Woodford)


f) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.


g) Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both cats and humans. Whenever a human sets a cup of coffee on the floor within your reach, s/he is showing you great respect and worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until cool (you may even put your paw in it to make sure the temperature is just right) and then daintily drink it. (From Lisa Abildskov)


h) Occasionally there will be disagreements over what you and the humans will deem as edible. The appropriate action, should the stuff in question be too repulsive to ignore, is to bury it. Scratch at the floor and try to drag over objects to cover the offending item. This informs the ignorant human that it really belongs in the litter box. (Adapted from a contribution by Dave Blackburn)




Water would be really great if it wasn't so *WET*! Dripping taps are the best sources of fresh water in the whole house. Toilets are the next best (but the water inside must be COLOURLESS and contain NOTHING!) Therefore it is imperative that any sound of running water be immediately investigated in case a free drink may be obtained. The bathtub is the best place to lurk in the bathroom when a human is present. A plaintive meow or two and perhaps hopefully licking the faucet usually will get most humans to turn on the tap for you. If the bathroom door is closed, demand entry noisily (see DOORS). The water dish is to be used only as a last resort in case the humans leave the toilet lid down and the tub and sink are dry.




As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur colour. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.


A) Snoring is not a talent unique to humans - if the cat is sharing a bed with two humans, the well skilled cat can cause one of the humans to be blamed/swatted/smacked for the deed by the other. (From Jamie Hilverding)


B) If your humans don't let you into the bedroom at night, make them suffer for it. Even if they give you a nice warm room of your own to sleep in at night, with a catflap to the outside world, that just isn't good enough. There are several ways of registering your disapproval.


a) Trash the room they give you to sleep in. After all, the humans don't sleep in it - so why should you?


b) Fight noisily with other cats in the neighbourhood, just outside their bedroom window. Make sure that you appear in the morning with as many fresh scars as possible. Spend some time perfecting an aggrieved "Well, I wouldn't have all these injuries if you only let me sleep in the bedroom at night" expression.


c) When they finally rise and take a shower or a bath, locate the appropriate drainpipe and yowl up it. That amplified and disembodied "Meow" is sure to surprise them - as is the length of time you can do this without getting hoarse.


d) When they finally come downstairs, and call for you, refuse to use the catflap to enter the house. There's a perfectly good front door they can open. Of course, if they should anticipate you by opening the front door and calling, ignore them. You should only appear by the front door and yowl once they've closed it again. (From Catherine Wightwick)




This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favourite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.




a) "Catch Mouse". The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumoured to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumour also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!


b) "King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theatre into account.


WARNING: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.


c) "Tag" (Also known by humans as "Charge of the Light Brigade"): Obviously this game also requires two or more cats, and may include a dog as well. One cat is "it". The other(s) chase him around the apartment until they catch up to him. Then follows the "Scrum", after which the cat who caught the other becomes "it" and is chased around. Great fun, but has the greatest potential for loss of Dignity from maneuvers such as the Throw Rug Wipeout and the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid. Whenever such a situation occurs, all feline participants must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes "it" and should be subjected to the Pileup.


d) "Tube Mouse": This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning. But that's OK because you now have a great new toy to pounce on, play with, and shred! Part two of the game is to make the angry human believe that the other cat did it. This is related to another fun game, "Snowstorm", in which you try to make it look like a blizzard has occurred in the room. You can track shreds all over the house for greater enjoyment. Be warned that this variant often results in the coming of the Vacuum Monster. (Based on suggestions by Phillip Lafleur and David Blackburn)


e) "Fetch": Only dogs will run after a ball or stick that humans throw, take it back to them, and continue doing this until they drop. As established earlier, dogs are not bright. A dignified cat MAY fetch a ball for its human, but if the human persists in continually throwing the ball away, assume that the human truly does not want it, and leave it. (From Lisa Abildskov)


f) "Kibble Soccer": Any number of cats can play. The game begins when the referees go to bed. The player runs to the bowl where the dry cat food is kept, and executes a "place-kick." The player does this by attempting to kick one kibble from the bowl with a paw. Using the nose and tongue ("heading") is allowed, but this is considered bad form. Often the bowl must be tipped, rocked or rattled. Once the kibble is out of the bowl and in play, the player proceeds to bat it around the room as quickly as possible. This is accomplished with short alternating swipes with the front paws, running behind it as it moves (this is also known as the "kibble dribble"). If the kibble gets stuck at the intersection of two walls, the player must attempt to put it back into play with a "corner kick."


If the kibble is still on the playing field after 30 seconds, the player is awarded a point. She is then allowed to eat the kibble, after which she returns to the bowl to put the next one into play. No points are awarded for kibbles that are kicked out of the playing area (under the stove, behind the refrigerator, etc.). These are left for the cockroaches, and other spectators. The player must put a new kibble into play.


For equipment, any dry kibble will work, although Science Diet round kibbles roll particularly well. The referees control the pace of the game by waking up (usually after the first few points have been scored) and imposing obstacles between the player and the kibbles. The referees do this by placing covers on top of the bowl, placing the bowl on a counter top or shelf, or otherwise hiding it. An advanced player is measured by the degree of ingenuity displayed in overcoming the obstacles between herself and the kibbles and resuming the game.


The game ends when all the kibbles are eaten or out of the playing field, or when a referee puts the player in the penalty box. (Written by Julian Vrieslander)


g) "Rumpus Raising"


Step 1: Warm up by tearing through the hallways and over furniture at high speeds. Be sure to drag your claws and make zzzzzrt noises on the rugs. Furniture that is off limits during the daytime makes great springboards. (Even more fun with two or more participants.) Important style points are gained during this step. 2 extra points if you get a yell from a judge.


Step 2: Find objects that make noise and activate them. Door stoppers that go SPROOOOOOOONGONGONGONG when you run by them, wind chimes and blinds that rattle when disturbed, and loose objects that go thud when they hit the carpet are best. Technical points are awarded in this step. The more complex the device the better. 5 points for knocking over the phone so it goes BEEP BEEP BEEP *Please hang up* BEEP BEEP...


Step 3: Make the loudest possible noise. Glassware and remote controls are useful here. It might be beneficial to slightly open the judges' door before this step. Final creativity points are awarded now.


Step 4: Look innocently at the dog and fish when the judges storm into room and turn on the lights. Pretending to be asleep is good form. 5 bonus points if another pet gets blamed, and 7 points for style if the judges stub, trip or completely fall over the objects knocked over! (Adapted from Carolyn Devries)


h) "Skiing"


This game is played when your human has the newspaper lying on the floor for reading. Run down a hallway toward the newspapers at full speed, leap onto the paper and see how far you can slide. The slippery advertisements are best for this. This game is even more fun if your human is unaware that you are going to play. It can be followed by a good round of "Catch Mouse" (newspaper variant). It can also be played on throw rugs. (Based on a suggestion by Karen Davis)


5.2 TOYS


Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.


a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.


b) Dangly and/or stringlike things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favourites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is another form of Hampering.


c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same colour as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.


d) Ignore anything that appears to be a store-bought cat toy. After all, in the old days, cats had to fashion their own toys. Store-bought toys are an affront to a "real" cat. (From Jamie Hilverding)




If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping" otherwise known as "hampering". The following are some guidelines for "hampering".


a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.


b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.


c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure the maximum amount, or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.


d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.


e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump at the back of the paper. They love surprises.


f) As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.


g) Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.


h) When a human is attempting to "make the bed", hop on it and curl up in the middle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you're evicted.


i) Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper (hence the other name for the laundry basket--the laundry hamper). Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the bed for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn't warm anymore. Now it's play time. Pounce on anything the human tries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed.


j) Guidelines for where to sit or lie down. (Based on suggestions by Karen Davis)


1) It is considered bad form to lie on the bare floor, couch, or bed. An exception is made for the human's favourite chair, which you are allowed to sit on no matter what (or who) is there.


2) On a bed, there will often be laundry or clothes lying there. It is your duty to lie on them to get your beautiful fur on them. If there is a choice, choose either the cleanest item or the item which contrasts most strongly with your fur. If your human protests, act cute.


3) It is also your duty to lie in an area that makes your human contort to the greatest extent if s/he wishes to share the bed/couch with you.


4) Even resting on a book or a newspaper on the floor is preferable to just lying on the floor. Newspapers are particularly important to sleep on if your human has them on the floor for his/her reading convenience.


5) Select a chair to sleep on that hampers your human the most. For example, if your human is doing a craft on the kitchen table to prevent your interference, it is your duty to take a nap on the chair your human would like to be sitting in. No other chair at the kitchen table will do.


6) If kicked off any preferred seating, it is of critical importance that you not immediately go about your business. You must either sit still for a time, washing yourself to save face, or lie on the floor to make your human feel guilty. If the human cheats by moving your resting chair and/or sitting in a different one (in a situation such as the kitchen table example above), you may be able to continue hampering by jumping into the human's lap. If the human has to get up to get something and dumps you off, immediately occupy the chair and look smug. Of course, the human will just switch chairs again. This game can be played for hours.




It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no! Some humans come equipped with "jeans", which can be scratched without inflicting too much injury. Attempts to climb up them will result in further attention, albeit perhaps not the kind you wish. (Based on suggestions by Elizabeth Worden and Jules May)




This appalling Beast is known by many names, Cat Eater being the most prevalent. Normally pliable, agreeable humans will turn into raging monsters while under Its influence, running around the house sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. Nothing can stop It until the influence is over and the foul device is put back into Its closet. All you can do is run and hide when you hear the engine roar to life and hope that It doesn't find you. On some occasions, however, the humans are forced to open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen, dusty bag from within. This is Its stomach, and must be destroyed if you can get the chance. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.




Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer it with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.




Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house.


One way to keep your human healthy is through agility training. You can do this by running ahead of its human, maintaining a distance of about one and a half of the human's paces, and suddenly stopping to clean yourself. If the human doesn't trip over or boot you (a very real hazard, especially from beginner humans), s/he is fit and able to avoid all sorts of danger in his/her world. A bonus from this exercise is that the sight of the human will be very amusing and you can share the experience with your friends on the back fence. (Based on an idea from Paul Gilbert)




It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark, just when the day is young and the masters of the house are fresh and ready for play. It is known, however, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that they occasionally must be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get fresh food or water or to retrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa. Almost all of them strongly dislike being dragged out of bed in their so-called "wee hours". Some will even pretend to be asleep even when we know they're not, hoping we'll give up and go away. Persistence is the key to success in any case.


One nearly always successful method of rejuvenating a dormant human is the "direct approach", namely jumping on the bed and doing one or more of the following: trampling, licking and/or nibbling any exposed parts, purring, meowing, head-butting, light taps on the eyes, or playing "Catch Mouse" or "King of the Hill". This may only result in your being ejected from the bed, but at least you now have the human's attention. If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, knocking over and looting a wastebasket, knocking items off the dresser, singing at the top of your voice, or even curling up on the human's head (often the only visible part). As well as being warm, in this way you will be aware of any movement made by the human, probably even before he is aware of it. You will be unlikely to wait for long. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually employing some bad language while doing so. (Based on suggestions by Megan McGuire and Jules May)


WARNING: It is not advised to do this on a regular basis. It will very likely result in your being "banished" from and denied access to the bedroom altogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get them to respond to your wishes. Thumping the door or yowling may be initially effective, but will likely result in being further banished to the basement or even the kitty carrier! Discretion is thus strongly recommended.


Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to go to the bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while he is too sleepy to put up much resistance.




In order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave the domain every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their way, either yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, gently bounce on top of them in bed, knead their chests, purr, and/or drool on them. See also WAKING THEM UP. The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their clock begins to blare or ring. We must protect them from the blaring noise because it could ruin their sense of hearing. (Based on suggestions by From Derrick Kirk and Lisa Abildskov)




a) Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for a particular bad "tuna breath", so much the better.


b) For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.


c) For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.


d) When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.


e) Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.


10.4 LAPS


Undoubtedly THE best way to get attention from a human is to jump in his/her lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes them think you like them (which may even be true!). Ear scratches, belly rubs, back stroking: all these and more can be yours. Some cats like this treatment a little TOO much and acquire the silly name "Lap Fungus". Lap sessions also provide golden opportunities for shedding--be sure to take advantage of clothes which contrast with your fur (see also GUESTS). Unfortunately, humans have the annoying tendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities, like answering the thing that rings or going to the Big White Drinking Bowl. Protest this disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive meows. Some laps may require "softening up" with a little kneading; just be sure not to use the claws or you may have an unexpected flying lesson!




The vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are sick. The place smells funny, there are usually other cats and dogs in the waiting room, and awful things like needles and pill prescriptions will happen there. The usual result is that you will get better, which is good, but you just can't let those humans cathandle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine.


a) Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier come out, run and hide somewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind a couch. Once the human finally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so that it is difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another pet, try to allow the other pet to bolt out the door. In the car, meow plaintively all the way down to the vet's. If possible, reach through the bars of the portable prison and try to claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet's, splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls if you can so that they can't dump you out easily.


b) If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed you pills or any liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide as in part a). Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Once the medicine is in, try to spit it out, preferably by shaking your head vigorously. If the humans manage to get the pill into to your mouth and are still holding you waiting for you to spit it out, swallow, but keep the pill in your mouth. Then after being let go, find a suitable hiding place and spit it out. Make sure that the humans do not find the hiding place, so they think that you took the pill. Don't use the same hiding place twice. Refuse any food that looks or smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled on it. Unfortunately, humans can be REALLY unfair and put it in tuna. In this case, accept grudgingly. Look aggrieved after the medicine session is over. (Includes a suggestion by Thomas G. DiSessa)




a) If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.


b) When you get sick in the house, you should hover around the general area until a human spots the mess. You should act as if you are guarding the stuff for the human and then quickly vacate the room.


c) If taken outside, you should take every opportunity to scarf down as much grass as possible (while not being spotted). After ingesting a "critical mass" amount, whine and scratch at the door to be let back in the house. After entering the house head for the traditional illness locations and let it rip. (Parts b) and c) from Jamie Hilverding)


d) If the urge strikes at night when your human is asleep, you can retch as loudly as possible so that the human will wake up. That failing, choose a location where the human's bare foot is likely to find it. They don't see very well in the morning and need assistance in locating the mess. If the human has neglected you by leaving (see MORNINGS), cover the fruits of your labours with whatever is handy, such as papers from the desk. That way you can soil another object besides the carpet. (Based on a suggestion by David Blackburn)




When a group of humans who share a similar interest get together on a regular basis, it is often called a "club". Needless to say, cats thought of the idea first, and some of the cleverer humans have discovered that we have our own. Listed below are the ones that the humans have identified, along with their names for the clubs; for security reasons (in case this document falls into the hands of a human) the ones they haven't identified have not been listed. As with humans, cats are not restricted to membership in one club and may belong to many.


a) The "Lap Fungus" Club Members of this club specialize in enslaving humans for the purpose of sleeping on their laps. As soon as a human is seated, his/her lap becomes available and should be occupied at once, after which time the cat can get as much attention as s/he wants. See also LAPS. Club motto: "Sit down and I'll be your friend."


b) The "Chatterbox" Club Members of this club love to talk to their humans, giving advice and/or criticism on practically anything they do. They are convinced that given enough time, they will be able to teach even the densest human how to take verbal commands. Club motto: "What do you mean, shut up?"


c) The "Garbage Truck" Club Members of this club firmly believe that human food is God's gift to cats and that the kitchen and/or dining room are the centre of the universe. Anything that falls onto the floor is to be eaten immediately, and if the cat can contrive to encourage the human to share voluntarily, so much the better. Hopping onto the counter to clean the plates or getting into the garbage can to check for leftovers are both considered acceptable, and the Master Garbage Truck is the one who can do this without getting squirted or otherwise "punished" by the humans. Club motto: "I'll help you clean that!"


d) The "Elephant Cat" Club It is usual but not necessary for there to be more than one member of this club per household. "Elephant" cats for some perverse reason enjoy making their nocturnal games, such as "Kibble Soccer", "Tag", and "Rumpus Raising" (see GAMES) as noisy as possible by thundering around home and knocking things over or off the tables, counters, etc. They believe that half the fun is getting the human to participate too. Club motto: "Did you see the look on his face when..."


e) The "Bed Hog" Club Cats who are members of this club like to sleep in their humans' bed. Of course, in order to sleep comfortably a cat needs some room and it is often necessary to push the sleeping humans around a bit to make it, especially if there are two humans and/or two or more cats. In households with more than one club member, skilled cats who cooperate can make the humans resemble pretzels (which are great snacks, by the way) by morning or even fall out of the bed entirely. Club motto: "Move over, you big lummox!" (Parts c-e from suggestions by Sandy Feldman)


f) The "Early Breakfast" Club Cats belonging to this club love to walk into their human's bedroom at some early hour, say, 1am. They then awaken the human (see WAKING THEM UP and MORNINGS) insisting on being fed. These cats believe that their humans can be trained to be awake during prime play time. Be aware, however, that humans are stubborn and may instead lock cats out of the bedroom, squirt them or do other anti-social things instead of feeding them. Club motto: "Life begins after midnight."


g) The "Door Into Summer" Club This Club mainly does its activities during the cold months or when it is raining. After a human obeys the master's command to open a door and a blast of cold air fills the room or rain splashes the cat, the cat wrinkles his/her nose and walks away. The ritual continues at each door in the house (sometimes including closets) until the human either kicks the cat out the door, or decides to ignore the cat altogether. In the first case, the cat must bounce up to the window and squawk to be let in while looking as pathetic as possible. In the second, the cat must attempt to make the human want to let him/her out. See HAMPERING for suggestions. Club motto: "Just because it's nasty out front doesn't mean it is at the back." (Parts f-g based on suggestions by Matthew Lecher)




Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.


----------------------------------- Send other rules or suggested modifications to me, harold@atm.dal.ca.


Original Author(s) UNKNOWN. (If anybody knows, tell me!)


Based on a posting by Vickie Burtch with additions from the files of Connie Kleinjans and myself: Harold Reynolds, (harold@atm.dal.ca). Material created based on suggestions is noted, with the suggestor's name.


Canonical List of Mommy Mommy Jokes


Mommy, Mommy!  What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?

Shut up and eat your meat loaf.


Mommy, Mommy!  When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?

Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.


Mommy, Mommy!  I hate my sisters guts.

Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.


Mommy, Mommy!  What's an Oedipus complex?

Shut up and kiss me!


Mommy, Mommy!  What's for dinner?

Shut up and get back in the oven!


Mommy, Mommy!  Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?

Shut up and get back in the oven.


Mommy, Mommy!  Why do I have to hop everywhere?

Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!


Mommy, Mommy!  Grandma's got a bruise.

Shut up and eat around it!


Mommy, Mommy!  Can I play with grandma?

Not today, we already dug her three times this week.


Mommy, Mommy!  What happened to all your scabs?

Shut up and eat your cornflakes!


Mommy, Mommy!  What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?

Shut up and get back in the box!


Mommy, Mommy!  The teacher says I look like a monkey!

Shut up and comb your face!


Mommy, Mommy!  What's a werewolf?

Shut up and comb your face!


Mommy, Mommy!  Whats an orgasm?

I don't know dear, ask your father.


Mommy, Mommy!  Billy won't let go of my ear.

Billy, let go of Susie's ear.

Billy! Let go of her ear!

All right Billy, give me the ear.


Mommy, Mommy!  I hate daddy's guts.

Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.


Mommy, Mommy!  What's a nymphomaniac?

Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!


Mommy, Mommy!  Why is daddy so pale?

Shut up and keep digging.


Mommy, Mommy!  I don't like grandpa.

Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.


Mommy, Mommy!  Grandpa's going out!

Well throw some more gasoline on him then.


Mommy, Mommy!  I don't want to go to Australia.

Shut up son and keep swimming.


Mommy, Mommy!  Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Shut up son, you'll wake your father.


Mommy, Mommy!  I keep running in circles.

Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor


Mommy, Mommy!  The milkmans here; have you got the money or

should I go out an play?


Mommy, Mommy!  Why's everybody running?

Shut up and reload.


Mommy, Mommy!  I don't wanna visit grandma!

Shut up and keep digging.


Mommy, Mommy!  Can I lick the bowl?

Shut up and flush.


Mommy, Mommy!  I'm sick of learning how to swim!

Shut up or I'll flush it again!


Mommy Mommy!  It's cold and dark and damp down here.

Shut up or I'll flush it again.


Mommy, Mommy!  I don't want hamburgs for supper!

Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.


Mommy, Mommy!  I HATE tomato juice!

Shut up and drink it before it clots.


Mommy, Mommy!  What's a vampire?

Shut up and eat your soup before it clots!


Mommy, Mommy!  I HATE spagetti!

Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.


Mommy, Mommy!  There's something in daddy's eye!

Shut up and eat around it.


Mommy, Mommy!  Daddy puked!

Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!


Mommy, Mommy!  Why are you moaning?

Shut up son, and keep licking.


Mommy, Mommy!  Can I get pregnant?

Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.

OK boys, same again...


Mommy, Mommy!  Why can't we get a garburator?

Shut up and chew!


Mommy, Mommy!  Joey is biting grandma's nail.

Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!


Mommy, Mommy!  Can I buy a new dress?

You know it won't fit over your iron lung.


Mommy, Mommy!  Why can't I play with the other kids?

Shut up and deal.


Mommy, Mommy!  Can I brush my teeth?

Yes, now shut up and get the jar!


Mommy, Mommy!  My head hurts!

Shut up and get away from the dart board!


Mommy, Mommy!  My teacher says my head is too big.

Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!


Mommy, Mommy!  Can I play in the sandbox?

Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.


Mommy, Mommy!  Daddy's on fire!

Shut up and get the marshmallows!


Mommy, Mommy!  Daddy fell in the campfire!

Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!


Mommy, Mommy!  Daddy's running down the street!

Shut up and step on the gas!


Mommy, Mommy!  I don't want to see Niagara falls!

Shut up and get back in the barrel!


Mommy, Mommy!  I want to play with Sheldon!

Shut up and close the coffin!


Mommy, Mommy!  Is this the way to make pickles?

Shut up and get back in the barrel!


Mommy, Mommy!  Daddy went through the meat grinder!

Shut up and eat your hamburger!


Mommy, Mommy!  How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?

Shut up and search the sand traps!


Mommy, Mommy!  I've lost my fingers!

Shut up and eat your french fries!


Mommy! Mommy!  What's oral sex?

mmmrmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble!


Subject: complete humor ftp site list

From: stvnkirk@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu (Steven R. Kirkwood)

Date: Fri, 4 Mar 1994 06:56:23 GMT

Message-ID: <1994Mar4.065623.53612@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu>


I got this via gopher and thought some might like it.

Here is the most complete list of ftp humor sites I have found, but I take no

credit for this list nor responsibility for info on this list.



Other humor related anonymous ftp sites as compiled by me (jrh@uiuc.edu):


algol.cs.umbc.edu (




cobalt.cco.caltech.edu (


cs.dal.ca (




csseq.cs.tamu.edu (


donau.et.tudelft.nl (


ftp.uu.net (


gatekeeper.dec.com (


irie.ais.org (


jerico.usc.edu (


laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au (


mc.lcs.mit.edu (


mintaka.lcs.mit.edu (


nic.funet.fi (



ocf.berkeley.edu (


pit-manager.mit.edu (


puffin.doc.ic.ac.uk (






shape.mps.ohio-state.edu (


sifon.cc.macgill.ca (


slopoke.mlb.semi.harris.com (


srawgw.sra.co.jp (




theta.iis.u-tokyo.ac.jp (


toklab.ics.osaka-u.ac.jp (


tolsun.oulu.fi (


trantor.ee.msstate.edu (


tybalt.caltech.edu (


ugle.unit.no (



Q:  Why are Jewish men circumsized?

A:  Because Jewish women won't buy anything unless it's 20% off.


Q:  What's Jewish foreplay?

A:  It's when the woman makes the man sit up and beg for an hour then she rolls over and plays dead.


Q:  Who invented the limbo dance.

A:  A Jew in a pay toilet.


Q:  What's a Jewish girl's favorite wine?

A:  "I wanna go to Palm Springs!"


Q:  How can you tell when a Jewish girl is having an orgasm?

A:  She drops her nail file.


Q:  What do you call an un-circumcized Jewish baby?

A:  A girl.


Q:  What's a Jewish girl's favorite sexual position?

A:  Facing Bloomingdale's.

McDonnell Douglas








Important! Important!


Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase


Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.  In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.


1. _Mr.  _Mrs.  _Ms.  _Miss  _Lt.  _Gen.  _Comrade  _Classified _Other


First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________


Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________


2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?


  _F-14 Tomcat   _F-15 Eagle  _F-16 Falcon  _F-19A Stealth  _Classified


3. Date of purchase:  Month___________Day___________Year____________


4. Serial Number____________________


5. Please check where this product was purchased:


_Received as Gift/Aid Package

_Catalog Showroom

_Sleazy Arms Broker

_Mail Order

_Discount Store

_Government Surplus



6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:


_Heard loud noise, looked up

_Store Display


_Recommended by friend/relative/ally

_Political lobbying by Manufacturer

_Was attacked by one


7.  Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your

decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:




_Recommended by salesperson



_McDonnell Douglas Reputation

_Advanced Weapons Systems


_Back-Room Politics

_Negative experience opposing one in combat


8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:


_North America

_Central/South America

_Aircraft Carrier


_Middle East


_Asia/Far East

_Misc. Third-World Countries



9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:






Intend to purchase

Color TV



Killer Satellite

CD Player

Air-to-Air Missiles

Space Shuttle

Home Computer

Nuclear Weapon


10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?  Check all that apply:




_Crazed (Islamic)

_Crazed (Other)




_Corrupt (Latin American)

_Corrupt (Other)



11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?



_Suitcases of Cocaine

_Oil Revenues

_Deficit Spending

_Personal Check

_Credit Card

_Ransom Money

_Traveler's Check


12. Occupation



Your Spouse








Middle Management

Eccentric Billionaire

Defense Minister/General




13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:





Your Spouse







Default on Loans



Black Market/Smuggling


Watching Sports on TV



Household Pets

Crushing Rebellions


Fashion Clothing

Border Disputes

Mutually Assured Destruction


Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.


The World According to Student Bloopers


Richard Lederer


St. Paul's School


One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.


The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.


The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.


Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.


Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.


Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.


In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.


Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.


Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.


In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.


The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.


The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.


The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."


During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.


One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.


Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.


George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.


Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.


Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.


Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.


France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.


The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.


The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.


The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Glossary For Research Papers:  Strictly Speaking



They Write

They Mean

It has long been known that...

I haven't bothered to look up the original reference

of great theoretical and practical importance

interesting to me

While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions.

The experiments didn't work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it.

High purity...

Very high purity...

Extremely high purity...


Spectroscopically pure...

Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claims of the supplier

The W-Pb system was chosen as especially suitable to show the predicted behavior...

The fellow in the next lab had some already made up

A fiducial reference line...

A scratch

Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study

The results of the others didn't make sense and were ignored..

handled with extreme care during the experiments

not dropped on the floor

Typical results are shown

The best results are shown

Although some detail has been lost in reproduction, it is clear from the original micrograph that...

It is impossible to tell from the  micrograph

Presumably at longer times...

I didn't take the time to find out

The agreement with the predicted curve is excellent








as good as could be expected


Correct within an order of magnitude


These results will be reported at a later date

I might get around to this sometime

The most reliable values are those of Jones

He was a student of mine

It is suggested that...

It is believed that...

It may be that...

I think...

It is generally believed that....

I have such a good objection to this answer that I shall now raise it.

It is clear that much additional work will be required before acomplete understanding...

I don't understand it

Unfortunately, a quantitative theory to account for these effects has not been formulated

Neither does anybody else

It is to be hoped that this work will stimulate further work in the field

This paper isn't very good but neither are any of the others on this miserable subject

Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for assistance with the experiments and to John Doe for valuable discussions.

Glotz did the work and Doe explained what it meant.

How to Take Notes


When Professor Says

You Write

"Probably the greatest quality of the poetry of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the combination of beauty and power. Few have excelled him in the use of the English language, or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest single poem ever written."

John Milton--born 1608


"When Lafayette first came to this country, he discovered America. The Americans needed his help if their cause was to survive, and this he promptly supplied them."

Lafayette discovered America

"Current historians have come to doubt the complete advantageousness of some of Roosevelt's policies"

Most of the problems that now face the United States are directly traceable to the bungling and greed of President Roosevelt.

"...it is possible that we do not understand the Russian viewpoint..."

Professor is a communist

"The puissance of hydrochloric acid is incontestable; however, the corrosive residue is inharmonious with metallic persistance."

Hydrochloric acid eats the hell out of steel

Learning To Spell With Darnell


This is "Learning to Spell with Darnell." I be Darnell Jackson, and today we're gonna spell the word__________. Spell it with me now, ____________. Now let's use it in a sentence.


Widen: "When my girlfriend, Larina, told me she was pregnant I said, widen you tell me you didn't use no birth control?"


Urinal: "After the police broke down my front door last night, they said, Darnell, urinal lot of trouble."


Undermine: "There's a fine looking bitch living in the apartment right undermine."


Stain: "My sister and brother-in-law stopped by the other day, so I asked them, you plannin on stain?"


Sodomy: "When I go out at night, I like to have a bitch on one sodomy and another bitch on the other sodomy."


Semen: "I never did know who my papa was cause my mama semen left and right."


Seldom: "I had two extra tickets to the basketball game the other night, so I seldom to my friend."


Rectum: "I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfriend rectum both."


Polyp: "On my way home from the Piston's game the other night, I was involved in a five-car polyp on I-75."


Penis: "I saw my parole officer the other day and he handed me a little paper cup and said, here penis."


Orgasm: "I asked my cousin Dexter about the death penalty in his state. I asked if they electrocute em, hang, orgasm."


Oreo: "I told my friend, Alonzo, if he wanted my sister, he could pay me 50 bucks now oreo me 100 bucks on Friday."


Oral: "My friend Sebastian said, give me 25 cents oral blow your head off."


Odyssey: "When I got back from the Windsor Ballet, I told my friends, you odyssey the tits on that babe."


Menstruate: "With the fashions today you can't keep the women and menstruate."


Manual: "I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble if you keep messing with that hoe."


Letter: "The ugly bitch downstairs came knocking on Darnell's door the other night and I wouldn't letter in."


July: "After the trial, my mama asked me, did you tell the truth or July?"


Income: "My girlfriend and I just got into bed, when income my wife."


Horde: "My mama always did have a bad reputation cause she horde around in her school."


Honor: "At our rape trial the judge asked my buddy Jarvis, who be honor?"


Homo: "The bitch I'm living with called me at the bar the other night. She said Darnell, honey, are you coming homo what?"


Fortify: "I asked this bitch down on 6 Mile--How much? She said fortify dollars. honey."


Formaldehyde: "The police came to my door looking for my cousin Melvin. I told them there ain't no place formaldehyde in the house, it be too small."


Foreclose: "If I don't pay my alimony this month, I'll have more money foreclose."


Fascinate: "My sister Wolanda bought a sweater with ten buttons on it, but her tits are so big, she can only fascinate."


Disappointment: "My parole officer told me, if I miss disappointment, he's gonna put me back in jail."


Dimension: "A lot of you ladies been calling in wondering what Darnell look like. Well, he's tall, dark, handsome, not dimension hung like a horse."


Derange: "Derange is where the deer and the antelope play."


Decide: "My favorite girls are Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to keep a couple on decide."


Data: "At my basketball game the other night, I score a triple double and my coach said data boy Darnell."


Copulate: "I called 911 and an hour later when they showed up, I said copulate."


Connoisseur: "I says to my friend Ramone, man you really stink today, what connoisseur did you crawl out of?"


Coatroom: "The judge said, one more outburst like that and I'll have the bailiff clear the coatroom."


Clothesline: "When I came home late again, I found my clothesline on the porch."


Catacomb: "I went to the Douglas/Hollyfield fight and sat next to Don King: man, someone oughta get that catacomb."


Button: "My girlfriend Juanita bought some leopard skin stretch pants. I said girl, you won't get you button 'em."


Beware: "I asked the man at the employment office, is this beware I find be a job?"


Battery: "The coach told my cousin Reggie he better start swinging the battery won't be in the line up tomorrow."


Bagdad: "I always wondered what was in the Bagdad use to drink out of when he was sitting on the front porch."


Assert: "On the way home from work, I always take assert so my old lady don't smell liquor on my breath."


Anus: "The policeman told me and my friend Jerome they be looking for the two guys that held up the liquor store and we said: anus."


Afford: "I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but then had to settle for afford."

AI hackers do it artificially.

AI hackers do it breadth first.

AI hackers do it depth first.

AI hackers do it with robots.

AI hackers do it with rules.

AI hackers make a big production out of it.

AM Disc Jockeys do it with Modulated Amplitude.

APL programmers do it backwards.

APL programmers do it in a line.

APL programmers do it in the workspace.

APL programmers do it with stile.

AT&T does it in Long Lines.

Accountants are good with figures.

Accountants do it for profit.

Accountants do it with double entry.

Accountants do it without loosing their balance

Acrophobes get down.

Actors do it in the lime light.

Actors do it on camera.

Actors do it on cue.

Actors do it on stage.

Actors play around.

Actors pretend doing it.

Acupuncturists do it with a small prick.

Ada programmers do it by committee.

Ada programmers do it in packages.

Advertisers use the "new, improved" method.

Aerobics instructors do it until it hurts.

Agents do it undercover.

Air Traffic Controllers do it in the dark.

Air Traffic Controllers do it with their tongue.

Air Traffic Controllers tell pilots how to do it.

Air traffic controllers do it by radar.

Airlifters penetrate further, linger longer, and drop a bigger load

Alexander Portnoy does it alone.

Algebraists do it with homomorphisms.

Algol 68 programmers do it od.

Algol programmers block it out.

Algorithmic analysts do it with a combinatorial explosion.

Alpinists do it higher.

Alvin Toffler will do it in the future.

Amateur radio operators do it with frequency.

Ambulance drivers come quicker.

Analog hackers do it continuously.

Anarchists do it revoltingly.

Anesthetists do it painlessly.

Anglers do it with worms.

Animators do it 24 times a second

Ansi does it in the standard way.

Anthropologists do it with culture.

Apologists do it orally.

Archeologists do it with mummies.

Archeologists like it old.

Archers make better lovers cause they have longer shafts.

Archers use longer shafts.

Architects do it late.

Architects have great plans.

Arlo Guthrie does it on his Motorcycle.

Artillerymen do it with a burst.

Artists are exhibitionists.

Artists do it by design.

Artists do it in the buff.

Artists do it with emotion.

Assassins do it from behind.

Assembler programmers do it one-to-one.

Assembly line workers do it over and over.

Assembly programmers do it a byte at a time.

Assembly programmers only get a little bit to play with.

Astronauts do it in orbit.

Astronauts do it on re-entry.

Astronauts do it on the moon.

Astronomers do it all night.

Astronomers do it in the dark.

Astronomers do it under the stars.

Astronomers do it while gazing at Uranus.

Astronomers do it with Uranus.

Astronomers do it with long tubes.

Astronomers do it with stars.

Attorneys make better motions.

Auditors like to examine figures.

Australians do it down under.

Authors do it by rote.

Auto makers do it with standard equipment (or optional equipment).

Auto mechanics do it under hoods, using oil and grease.

BASIC programmers GOTO it.

BASIC programmers do it all over the place.

Babies do it in their pants.

Babysitters charge by the hour.

Bach did it with the organ.

Bailiffs always come to order.

Bakers do it for the dough.

Bakers knead it daily.

Ballet dancers do it on tip-toe.

Ballet dancers do it with toes.

Banana pickers do it in bunches.

Bananas do it in bunches.

Band members do it all night.

Band members do it in a parade.

Band members do it in front of 100,000 people.

Band members do it in public.

Band members do it in sectionals.

Band members do it on the football field.

Bank tellers do it with interest. Penalty for early withdrawl.

Bankers do it for money, but there is a penalty for early withdrawal.

Bankers do it with interest.

Baptists do it under water.

Barbarians do it with anything.  (As do orcs.)

Barbers do it with Brylcreem.

Barbers do it with shear pleasure.

Bartenders do it on the rocks.

Baseball players do it with their bats.

Baseball players hit more home runs.

Baseball players make it to first base.

Basketball players score more often.

Batman does it with Robin.

Bayseians probably do it.

Beekeepers like to eat their honey.

Beer brewers do it with more hops.

Beer drinkers get more head.

Beethoven did it apassionately.

Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra.

Bell Labs programmers do it with UNIX.

Bell-ringers pull it themselves.

Bicyclists do it in 10 speeds.

Biologists do it with clones.

Birds do it, bees do it, even chimpanzees do it.

Blondes do it with a thermos. (from the blonde joke list)

Bo Jackson knows doing it.

Boardheads do it with stiff masts.

Body-builders do it with muscle.

Bookkeepers do it for the record.

Bookkeepers do it with double entry.

Bookworms only read about it.

Bosses delegate the task to others.

Bowlers do it in the alley.

Bowlers have bigger balls.

Boxers do it with fists.

Boy Scouts do it in the woods.

Bricklayers lay all day.

Bridge players do it with finesse.

Bridge players try to get a rubber.

Buddhists imagine doing it.

Building inspectors do it under the table.

Bus drivers come early and pull out on time.

Bus drivers do it in transit.

Butchers have better meat.

C programmers SWITCH and then BREAK it.

C programmers continue it.

C'Bers do it on the air.

C++ programmers do it with class.

C++ programmers do it with private members and public objects.

COBOL hackers do it by committee.

COBOL programmers are self-documenting.

COBOL programmers do it very slow.

COBOL programmers do it with bugs

CS111 students do it in binary.

CS111 students do it with ORGs.

CS111 students do it with interspersed comments.

Calculus students do it by parts.

Californians do it laid back.

Campers do it in a tent.

Car customisers do it with a hot rod.

Car mechanics jack...

Cardiologists do it halfheartedly.

Cardiologists do it lightheartedly.

Carpenters do it tongue in groove.

Carpenters hammer it harder.

Carpenters nail harder.

Carpet layers do it on the floor.

Cartoonists do it with just a few good strokes.

Catholics do it A LOT.

Catholics talk about it afterwards.

Cavaliers do it mounted.

Cheerleaders do it enthusiastically.

Chefs do it for dessert.

Chefs do it in the kitchen.

Chemical engineers do it in packed beds.

Chemists do it in test tubes.

Chemists do it in the fume hood.

Chemists do it periodically on table.

Chemists do it reactively.

Chemists like to experiment.

Chess players check their mates.

Chess players do it in their minds.

Chess players do it with knights/kings/queens/bishops/mates.

Chess players mate better.

Chiropractors do it by manipulation.

Choir boys do it unaccompanied.

Circuit designers have a very low rise time.

Circuit designers offer VLSI. ( Very Long Sexual Intercourse)

City Planners do it with their eyes shut.

Civil Engineers do it by reinforcing it.

Civil engineers do it in the dirt.

Civil engineers do it with an erection.

Clerics do it with their gods.

Clinton does it with flowers.

Clock makers do it mechanically.

Clowns do it for laughs.

Cluster analysts do it in groups.

Cockroaches have done it for millions of years, without apparent ill-effects.

Cocktail waitresses serve highballs.

Collectors do it in sets.

Colonel Sanders does it, then licks his fingers.

Comedians do it for laughs.

Commodities traders do it in the pits.

Communications Engineers do it 'til it Hertz.

Communists do it without class.

Compiler writers optimize it, but they never get around to DOING it.

Computer game players just can't stop.

Computer nerds just simulate it.

Computer operators do it upon mounted requests.

Computer operators do it with hard drives.

Computer operators get the most out of their software.

Computer operators peek before they poke.

Computer programmers do it interactively.

Computer programmers do it logically.

Computer programmers do it one byte at a time.

Computer scientists do it bit by bit.

Computer scientists do it on command.

Computer Scientists do it with multiple entry points.

Computer scientists simulate doing it.

Computers do it in ASCII, except IBM's which use EBCDIC.

Conductors do it rhythmically.

Confectioners do it sweetly.

Congregationalists do it in groups.

Congressmen do it in the House.

Construction workers do it higher.

Construction workers lay a better foundation.

Consultants tell other how to do it.

Cooks do it with oil, sugar and salt.

Copier repairmen do it with duplicity.

Cops do it arrestingly.

Cops do it by the book.

Cops do it with cuffs.

Cops do it with electric rods.

Cops do it with nightsticks.

Cops have bigger guns.

Cowboys handle anything horny.

Cowgirls like to ride bareback.

Cows do it in leather.

Crane operators have swinging balls.

Credit managers always collect.

Cross-word players do it crossly.

Cross-word players do it horizontally and vertically.

Crosscountry runners do it in open fields.

Cryptographers do it secretly.

Cuckoos do it by proxy.

DJs do it on request.

DJs do it on the air.

Dan Quayle does it in the dark.

Dan Quayle does it with a potatoe [sic].

Dancers do it in leaps and bounds.

Dancers do it to music.

Dancers do it with grace.

Dancers do it with their high heels on.

Dark horses do it come-from-behind.

Data Processors do it in batches.

Deadheads do it with Jerry.

Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure.

Deer hunters will do anything for a buck.

Delivery men do it at the rear entrance.

Demonstraters do it on the street.

Dental hygenists do it till it hurts.

Dentists do it in your mouth.

Dentists do it orally.

Dentists do it with a big drill.

Dentists do it with filling.

Deprogrammers do it with sects.

Detectives do it under cover.

Dieticians eat better.

Digital hackers do it off and on.

Direct mailers get it in the sack.

Dispatchers do it with frequency.

Ditch diggers do it in a damp hole.

Divers always do it with buddies. (buddy system)

Divers always use rubbers.

Divers bring flashlights to see better down there.

Divers can stay down there for a long time.

Divers do it deeper.

Divers do it for a score.

Divers do it in an hour.

Divers do it under pressure.

Divers do it underwater.

Divers do it with a twist

Divers explore crevices.

Divers go down all the time.

Divers go down for hidden treasures.

Divers have a license to do it.

Divers like groping in the dark.

Divers like to take pictures down there.

Divers train to do it.

Doctors do it in the OR.

Doctors do it with patience.

Doctors do it with pills.

Doctors do it with stethoscopes.

Doctors take two aspirins and do it in the morning.

Don't do it with a banker.  Most of them are tellers.

Drivers do it with their cars.

Druggists fill your prescription.

Druids do it in the bushes.

Druids do it with animals.

Druids leave no trace.

Drummers beat it.

Drummers do it in 4/4 time.

Drummers do it longer.

Drummers do it with both hands and feet.

Drummers do it with rhythm.

Drywallers are better bangers.

Dungeon Masters do it any way they feel like.

Dungeon Masters do it anywhere they damn well please.

Dungeon Masters do it behind a screen.

Dungeon Masters do it in ways contrary to the laws of physics.

Dungeon Masters do it to you REAL GOOD.

Dungeon Masters do it whether you like it or not.

Dungeon Masters do it with dice.

Dungeon Masters have better encounters.

Dyslexic Particle Physicists do it with hadrons.

E. E. Cumming does it with ease.

Economists do it at bliss point.

Economists do it cyclically.

Economists do it in an Edgeworth Box.

Economists do it on demand.

Economists do it with a dual.

Economists do it with an atomistic competitor.

Economists do it with interest.

El Ed majors teach it by example.

Electrical Engineers are shocked when they do it.

Electrical Engineers do it on an Impulse.

Electrical Engineers do it with faster rise time.

Electrical Engineers do it with large capacities.

Electrical Engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance.

Electrical Engineers do it with super position.

Electrical Engineers resonate until it hertz.

Electricians are qualified to remove your shorts.

Electricians check your shorts.

Electricians do it just to plug it in

Electricians do it until it Hertz.

Electricians do it with spark.

Electrochemists have greater potential.

Electron microscopists do it 100,000 times.

Elevator men do it up and down.

Elves do it in fairy rings.

Employers do it to employees.

Energizer Bunny keeps going, and going, and going . . .

Engineers are erectionist perfectionists.

Engineers charge by the hour.

Engineers do it any way they can.

Engineers do it in Mudd.

Engineers do it in practice.

Engineers do it to a first order approximation.

Engineers do it with precision.

English majors do it with an accent.

English majors do it with style.

Entomologists do it with insects.

Entrepreneurs do it with creativity and originality.

Evangelists do it with Him watching.

Executives do it in three piece suits.

Executives have large staffs.

Existentialists do it alone.

F. B. I. does it under cover.

FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo and with high fidelity.

FORTH programmers do it from behind.

FORTRAN programmers do it with SOAP.

FORTRAN programmers do it with double precision.

FORTRAN programmers just DO it.

Factor analysts rotate their principal components.

Faith healers do it with whatever they can lay their hands on.

Fan makers are the best blowers in the business.

Fantasy Roleplayers do it all night.

Fantasy roleplayers do it all weekend.

Fantasy roleplayers do it in a dungeon.

Fantasy roleplayers do it in a group.

Farmers do it in the dirt.

Farmers do it on a corn field.

Farmers spread it around.

Farriers (blacksmiths/horseshoeres) do it with hot pokers.

Fed-Ex agents will absolutely, positively do it overnight.

Fencers do it in a full lunge.

Fencers do it with a thrust.

Fencers do it with three feet of sword.

Fetuses do it in-vitro.

Firemen are always in heat.

Firemen do it wearing rubber.

Firemen do it with a big hose.

Firemen find `em hot, and leave `em wet.

Firemen go in when it's hot & come out when it's wet.

Fishermen are proud of their rods.

Fishermen do it for reel.

Flagpole sitters do it in the air.

Flyers do it in the air.

Flyers do it on top, upside down, or rolling.

Football players are measured by the yard.

Football players do it offensively/defensively.

Forgers do it hot.

Four-wheelers eat more bush.

Frank Sinatra does it his way.

Frustrated hackers use self-modifying infinite perversion.

Furriers appreciate good beaver.

Fuzzy theorists both do it and don't do it.

Gamblers do it on a hunch.

Gamblers do it with a kidde (kitty).

Garbagemen come once a week.

Gardeners do it in bed.

Gardeners do it on the bushes.

Gardeners have 50 foot hoses.

Gas station attendants pump all day.

Generals have something to do with the stars.

Genetists do it with sick genes.

Geographers do it globally.

Geologists are great explorers.

Geologists do it eruptively, with glow, and always smoke afterwards.

Geologists do it in folded beds.

Geologists do it to get their rocks off.

Geologists know how to make the bedrock.

Geometers do it constructively.

Gerald Ford does it on his face.

Gnomes are too short to do it.

Golfers always sink their putts.

Golfers do it in 18 holes.

Golfers do it with long shafts.

Golfers hit their balls with shafts.

Graduates do it by degrees.

Gravediggers die to do it.

Guitar players had their licks.

Guitar players have their pick.

Gymnasts do it with grace.

Gymnists mount and dismount well.

Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.

Hackers appreciate virtual dresses.

Hackers are I/O experts.

Hackers avoid deadly embrace.

Hackers discover the powers of two.

Hackers do it a little bit.

Hackers do it absolutely.

Hackers do it all night.

Hackers do it at link time.

Hackers do it attached.

Hackers do it automatically.

Hackers do it bottom up.

Hackers do it bug-free.

Hackers do it by the numbers.

Hackers do it concurrently.

Hackers do it conditionally.

Hackers do it detached.

Hackers do it digitally.

Hackers do it discreetly.

Hackers do it during PM.

Hackers do it during downtime.

Hackers do it efficiently.

Hackers do it faster.

Hackers do it graphically.

Hackers do it immediately.

Hackers do it in O(n log n).

Hackers do it in SEXTRAN.

Hackers do it in a HRRI.

Hackers do it in batches.

Hackers do it in dumps.

Hackers do it in less space.

Hackers do it in libraries.

Hackers do it in loops.

Hackers do it in parallel.

Hackers do it in stacks.

Hackers do it in the microcode.

Hackers do it in the software.

Hackers do it in trees.

Hackers do it in two states.

Hackers do it indirectly.

Hackers do it interactively.

Hackers do it iteratively.

Hackers do it loaded.

Hackers do it locally (or globally).

Hackers do it randomly.

Hackers do it recursively.

Hackers do it reentrantly.

Hackers do it relocatably.

Hackers do it sequentially.

Hackers do it synchronously.

Hackers do it top down.

Hackers do it with DDT.

Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.

Hackers do it with bugs.

Hackers do it with computers.

Hackers do it with daemons.

Hackers do it with editors.

Hackers do it with fewer instructions.

Hackers do it with high priority.

Hackers do it with insertion sorts.

Hackers do it with interrupts.

Hackers do it with key strokes.

Hackers do it with phantoms.

Hackers do it with quick sorts.

Hackers do it with recursive descent.

Hackers do it with side effects.

Hackers do it with simultaneous access.

Hackers do it with slaves.

Hackers do it with their fingers.

Hackers do it with words.

Hackers do it without a net.

Hackers do it without arguments.

Hackers do it without detaching.

Hackers do it without proof of termination.

Hackers do it without protection.

Hackers do it without you even knowing it.

Hackers don't do it -- they're hacking all the time.

Hackers get off on tight loops.

Hackers get overlaid.

Hackers have better software tools.

Hackers have faster access routines.

Hackers have good hardware.

Hackers have high bawd rates.

Hackers have high bod rates.

Hackers have it where it counts.

Hackers have response time.

Hackers know all the right MOVs.

Hackers know what to diddle.

Hackers make it quick.

Hackers multiply with stars.

Hackers stay logged in longer.

Hackers stay up longer.

Hackers take big bytes.

Hairdressers give the best blow jobs.

Ham radio operators do it till their GigaHertz

Ham radio operators do it with more frequency.

Handymen like good screws.

Hang-Gliders do it in the air.

Hardware buffs do it in nanoseconds.

Hardware designers' performance is hardware dependant.

Hardware hackers are a charge.

Hardware hackers do it closely coupled.

Hardware hackers do it electrically.

Hardware hackers do it intermittently.

Hardware hackers do it noisily.

Hardware hackers do it on a bus.

Hardware hackers do it over a wide temperature range.

Hardware hackers do it with AC and DC.

Hardware hackers do it with bus drivers.

Hardware hackers do it with charge.

Hardware hackers do it with connections.

Hardware hackers do it with emitter-coupled logic.

Hardware hackers do it with female banana plugs.

Hardware hackers do it with male connectors.

Hardware hackers do it with maximum ratings.

Hardware hackers do it with power.

Hardware hackers do it with resistance.

Hardware hackers do it with transceivers.

Hardware hackers do it with uncommon emitters into open collectors.

Hardware hackers have faster rise times.

Hardware hackers have sensitive probes.

Hawaiians do it volcanicly.

Hedgehogs do it cautiously.

Heinz does it with great relish.

Heisenberg might have done it.

Helicopter pilots do it while hovering.

Helicopter pilots do it with autorotation.

Hermits do it alone.

Hewlett Packard does it with precision.

Hikers do it naturally.

Historians did it.

Historians do it for old times' sake.

Historians study who did it.

Hobbits do it only if it isn't dangerous.

Horn players do it French style.

Horseback riders stay in the saddle longer.

Hunters do it in the bush.

Hunters do it with a bang.

Hunters do it with a big gun.

Hunters eat what they shoot.

Hunters go deeper into the bush.

Hurdlers do it every 10 meters.

Hypertrichologists do it with intensity.

I/O Hackers do it without interrupt

I/O Hackers have to condition their device first.

IRS does it everywhere.

IRS does it to everyone.

Illusionists fake it.

Illusionists only LOOK like they're doing it.

Individualist does it with himself.

Inductors dissipate after doing it.

Infantrymen do it in the trench.

Instrument Techs do it with Meters

Insurance salesmen are premium lovers.

Interior decorators do it all over the house.

Inventors find a way to do it.

Italians do it better.  (this line was obviously written by an Italian)

Janitors clean up afterwards.

Janitors do it with a plunger.

Jedi Knights do it forcefully.

Jedi Masters do it with even more Force.

Jewelers mount real gems.

Jews worry about doing it.

Jockeys do it at the gate.

Jockeys do it on the horse-back.

Jockeys do it with their horses.

Jockeys do it with whips and saddles.

Joggers do it on the run.

Journalists do it on deadline.

Judges do it in chambers.

Judges watch it and give scores.

Jugglers do it with more balls.

Jugglers do it with their balls in the air.

Kayakers do it, roll over, and do it again.

Korfball players do it with the other sex.

LISP hackers are thweet.

LISP hackers do it in lambda functions.

LISP hackers do it with rplacd.

LISP programmers do it without unexpected side effects.

LISP programmers have to stop and collect garbage.

LOTS hackers do it sloooooooowwwwwwwwllllllllyyyyyyyy.

Landlords do it every month.

Landscapers plant it deeper.

Laser printers do it without making an impression.

Lawyers do it in their briefs.

Lawyers do it on a trial basis.

Lawyers do it to you.

Lawyers do it with clause.

Lawyers do it with extensions in their briefs.

Let a gardener trim your bush today.

Let an Electrician undo your shorts for you.

Librarians do it by the book.

Librarians do it on the shelfs.

Lifeguards do it on the beach.

Lions do it with pride.

Locksmiths can get into anything.

Logicians do it consistently and completely.

Logicians do it or they do not do it.

Long distance runners last longer.

Long jumpers do it with a running start.

Long-distance runners do it on a predetermined route.

Louisianans do it differently.  ("Big Easy" -- Dennis Quaid)

MUDders do it over the InterNet.

Machine Coders do it in bytes.

Machine language programmers do it very fast.

Machinists drill often.

Machinists make the best screws.

Macintosh programmers do it in windows

Mages do it with their familiars.

Magic Users do it with their hands.

Magic Users have crystal balls.

Magicians are quicker than the eye.

Magicians do it with mirrors.

Magicians do it with rabbits.

Mailmen do it at the mail boxes.

Maintenance men sweep 'em off their feet.

Malingerers do it as long as they can't get out of it.

Managers do it by delegation.

Managers have someone do it for them.

Managers make others do it.

Managers supervise others.

Marketing reps do it on commission.

Married people do it with frozen access.

Masons do it secretively.

Match makers do it with sticks.

Match-makers do it with singles.

Mathematicians do it associatively.

Mathematicians do it commutatively.

Mathematicians do it constantly.

Mathematicians do it continuously.

Mathematicians do it discretely.

Mathematicians do it exponentially.

Mathematicians do it forever if they can do one and can do one Mathematicians do it functionally.

Mathematicians do it homologically.

Mathematicians do it in fields.

Mathematicians do it in groups.

Mathematicians do it in imaginary planes.

Mathematicians do it in numbers.

Mathematicians do it in theory.

Mathematicians do it on smooth contours.

Mathematicians do it over and under the curves.

Mathematicians do it parallel and perpendicular.

Mathematicians do it partially.

Mathematicians do it rationally.

Mathematicians do it reflexively.

Mathematicians do it symmetrically.

Mathematicians do it to prove themselves.

Mathematicians do it to their limits.

Mathematicians do it totally.

Mathematicians do it transcendentally.

Mathematicians do it transitively.

Mathematicians do it variably.

Mathematicians do it with Nobel's wife.

Mathematicians do it with a Minkowski sausage.

Mathematicians do it with imaginary parts.

Mathematicians do it with linear pairs.

Mathematicians do it with odd functions.

Mathematicians do it with prime roots.

Mathematicians do it with relations.

Mathematicians do it with rings.

Mathematicians do it with their real parts.

Mathematicians do it without limit.

Mathematicians do over an open unmeasurable interval.

Mathematicians have to prove they did it.

Mechanical engineers do it automatically.

Mechanics do it from underneath.

Mechanics do it on their backs.

Mechanics have to jack it up and then do it.

Medical researchers make mice do it first.

Merchants do it to customers.

Mermaids CAN'T do it.

Metallurgists are screw'n'edge.

Metallurgists do it in the street.

Meteorologists do it unpredictably.

Methodists do it by numbers.

Milkmen deliver twice a week.

Millionaires pay to have it done.

Milton Berle does it in his BVDs.

Mimes do it without a sound.

Miners do it deeper than divers.

Miners sink deeper shafts.

Ministers do it on Sundays.

Ministers do it vicariously.

Missile engineers do it in stages.

Missilemen have better thrust.

Models do it beautifully.

Models do it in any position.

Models do it with all kinds of fancy dresses on.

Modem manufacturers do it with all sorts of characters.

Molecular biologists do it with hot probes.

Monks do it by hand.

Moonies do it within sects.

Morticians do it gravely.

Most of the graduate students get aids.

Mothers do it with their children.

MotoXers do it in the dirt.

Motorcyclists do it with spread legs.

Motorcyclists like something hot between their legs.

Mountain climbers do it on the rocks.

Mountaineers do it with ropes.

Movie stars do it on film.

Multitaskers do it Everywhere: Concurrently.

Music hackers do it at 3 am.

Music hackers do it audibly.

Music hackers do it in concert.

Music hackers do it in scores.

Music hackers do it with more movements.

Music hackers do it with their organs.

Music hackers want to do it in realtime.

Musicians do it with rhythm.

Native Americans do it with reservations.

Navigators can show you the way.

Net people do it with packets.

Network hackers know how to communicate.

Network managers do it in many places at once.

New users do it after reading the helpfile.

New users do it after receiving advice.

Newsmen do it at six and eleven.

Newspaper boys do it in front of every door.

Nike wants you to just do it.

Non-smokers do it without huffing and puffing.

Novices do it with instructions.

Nuclear engineers do it hotter than anyone else.

Nuns do it out of habit.

Nurses call the shots.

Nurses do it painlessly.

Nurses do it with care.

OPERATOR does it automatically.

OPERATOR does it in the CTY.

Oarsmen stroke till it hurts.

Oceanographers do it down under.

Operators do it person-to-person.

Operators mount everything.

Operators really know how to mount it.

Optics majors do it on a lens bench.

Optics majors do it with coherence.

Optometrists do it eyeball-to-eyeball, since they always see eye-to-eye.

Optometrists do it face-to-face.

Organists do it with both hands and both feet.

Orthodontists do it with braces.

PASCAL programmers REPEAT it.

PASCAL programmers are better structured.

PASCAL users do it with runtime support.

Pacific Northwest hackers do it with n loggin' sorts.

Paintballers do it 'til their balls break.

Painters do it with longer strokes.

Paladins do it good or not at all.

Paladins don't do it.

Pantomimists do it silently.

Paramedics can revive anything.

Paratroopers do it by vertical insertion.

Particle physicists do it energetically.

Pathologists do it with corpses.

Patients do it in bed, sometimes with great pain.

Pediatricians do it with children.

Perfectionists do it better.

Perverted Hackers do it with POPs.

Pessimists can't do it.

Pessimists do it with a sigh.

Pharmacologists do it by prescription.

Pharmacologists do it with affinity.

Philosophers can't prove they do it.

Philosophers do it for pure reasons.

Philosophers do it in their minds.

Philosophers go deep.

Philosophers think about doing it.

Philosophers think they do it.

Philosophers wonder why they did it.

Photographers are better developed.

Photographers do it in the dark.

Photographers do it while exposing.

Photographers do it with a flash.

Photographers do it with a zoom.

Physicists do it a quantum at a time.

Physicists do it at two places in the universe at one time.

Physicists do it attractively.

Physicists do it energetically.

Physicists do it in black holes.

Physicists do it in waves.

Physicists do it like Einstein.

Physicists do it magnetically.

Physicists do it on accelerated frames.

Physicists do it particularly.

Physicists do it repulsively.

Physicists do it strangely.

Physicists do it up and down, with charming color, but strange!

Physicists do it with Tensors.

Physicists do it with black bodies

Physicists do it with charm.

Physicists do it with large expensive machinery.

Physicists do it with rigid bodies.

Physicists do it with the help of an absolute Bohr (ouch!).

Physicists do it with their vectors.

Physicists do it with uniform harmonic motion.

Physicists get a big bang.

Physics majors do it at the speed of light.

Piano players have faster fingers

Piano students learn on their teachers' instruments.

Pilots do it in the cockpit.

Pilots do it to get high.

Pilots do it with flare. (airplanes are flared on landing)

Pilots keep it up longer.

Pilots stay up longer.

Ping-pong players always smash balls.

Pirates do it with stumps.

Pizza delivery boys come in 30 minutes, or it's free.

Plasma physicists do it with everything stripped off.

Plasterers to it hard.

Plumbers do it under the sink.

Plumbers do it with plumber's friends.

Podiatrists do it with someone else's feet.

Poker players do it with their own hand.

Polaroid does it in one step.

Polaroid does it in seconds.

Pole vaulters do it with long, flexible instruments.

Policemen like big busts.

Politicians do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

Politicians do it to everyone.

Politicians do it to make the headlines.

Politicians do it with everyone.

Polymer chemists do it in chains.

Pool cleaners do it wet.

Popes do it in the woods.

Postmen come slower.

Prince Charles does it in succession.

Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.

Printers reproduce the fastest.

Procrastinators do it later.

Procrastinators do it tomorrow.

Procrastinators will do it when they get around to it.

Proctologists do it in the end.

Proctologists do it with a finger up where the sun don't shine.

Professors do it by the book.

Professors do it with class.

Professors forget to do it.

Programmers CYCLE forever, until you make them EXIT.

Programmers do it all night.

Programmers do it bottom-up.

Programmers do it by pushing and popping.

Programmers do it in higher levels.

Programmers do it in loops.

Programmers do it in software

Programmers do it on command.

Programmers do it top down.

Programmers do it with bugs.

Programmers repeat it until done.

Programmers will do it all night, but only if you are debugged.

Promiscuous hackers share resources.

Prostitutes do it at illegal addresses.

Prostitutes do it for profit.

Protestants do it unwillingly.

Psychiatrists do it for at least fifty dollars per session.

Psychiatrists do it on the couch.

Psychologists do it with rats.

Psychologists think they do it.

Public speakers do it orally.

Pyrotechnics experts do it with a blinding flash.

Quakers do it quietly.

Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.

RISC assembly programmers do it 1073741824 times a second.

Racers like to come in first.

Racquetball players do it off the wall.

Radio Engineers do it till it MegaHertz.

Radio Engineers do it with Frequency.

Radio and TV Announcers broadcast it.

Radiocasters do it in the air.

Radiologists do it with high frequency.

Rally drivers do it sideways.

Rangers do it in the woods.

Rangers do it with all the animals in the woods.

Real estate people know all the prime spots.

Receptionists do it over the phone.

Recyclers use it again.

Reporters do it daily.

Reporters do it for a story.

Reporters do it for the sensation it causes.

Republicans do it to poor people.

Research professors do it only if they get grants.

Researchers are still looking for it.

Researchers do it with control.

Retailers move their merchandise.

Robots do it mechanically.

Rocket scientists do it with higher thrust.

Roofers do it on top.

Roosters do it coquettishly.

Royal guards do it in uniforms.

Rubbish collectors do it by emptying their sacks.

Rugby players do it with leather balls.

Runners do it with vigor.

Runners get into more pants.

SAIL hackers do it with [Control].

SAIL hackers follow the procedure.

SAIL hackers have high service levels.

SIMULA programmers do it with CLASS.

Sailors do it ad nauseam.

Sailors do it after cruising the seven seas.

Sailors get blown off shore.

Sailors like to be blown.

Salespeople have a way with their tongues.

Scientists discovered it.

Scientists do it experimentally.

Scientists do it with plenty of research.

Scotsmen do it with Amazing Grace.

Scuba divers do it deeper.

Second fiddles do it vilely.

Secretaries do it from 9 to 5.

Seismologists make the earth move.

Semanticists do it with meaning.

Senators do it on the floor.

Sergeants do it privately.

Set theorists do it with cardinals.

Shakespearean scholars do it... or don't do it, that is the question....

Sheep do it when led astray.

Shubert didn't finish it.

Simulation hackers do it with models.

Singers do it with microphones.

Skaters do it on ice.

Skeet Shooters do it 25 times in 9 different positions

Skeletons do it with a bone.

Skeptics doubt about it.

Skiers do it spread eagled.

Skiers do it with poles.

Skiers go down fast.

Skunks do it instinctively.

Sky divers NEVER do it without a chute.

Sky divers do it in the air.

Skydivers are good till the last drop.

Skydivers do it at great heights.

Skydivers go down faster.

Skydivers go in harder.

Slaves do it for the masters.

Small boat sailors do it by pumping, rocking, and ooching.

Smalltalk programmers have more methods.

Snakes do it in the grass.

Soap manufacturers do it with Lava.

Soap manufacturers do it with Zest.

Soccer players do it for kicks.

Soccer players do it in the grass.

Soccer players do it in 90 minutes.

Soccer players have leather balls.

Sociologists do it with class.

Sociologists do it with standard deviations.

Software Testers do it over and over again.

Software designers do it over and over until they get it right.

Software designers do it with system.

Software reliablity specialists keep it up longer.

Soldiers do it standing erect.

Soldiers do it with a machine gun.

Sopranos do it in unison.

Soviet hardline leaders do it with tanks.

Sparrows do it for a lark (hearsay).

Speakers do it with pointers.

Spectroscopists do it until it hertz.

Spectroscopists do it with frequency and intensity.

Speech pathologists are oral specialists.

Spellcasters do it with their rods/staves/wands.

Spelunkers do it underground.

Spies do it under cover.

Sportscasters like an instant replay.

Sprinters do it after years of conditioning.

Sprinters do it in less than 10 seconds.

St. Matthew did it passionately.

Stagehands do it on cue.

Statisticians do it continuously but discretely.

Statisticians do it when it counts.

Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.

Statisticians do it with large numbers.

Statisticians do it with only a 5% chance of being rejected.

Statisticians do it with two-tail T tests.

Statisticians do it.  After all, it's only normal.

Statisticians probably do it.

Steamfitters do it with a long hot pipe.

Stewardesses do it in the air.

Stragglers do it in the rear.

Structured programmers  DO it OD.

Students do it as exercises.

Students use their heads.

Submariners use their torpedoes.

Supercomputer users do it in parallel.

Surfers do it in waves.

Surfers do it standing up.

Surfers do it with their wives, or, if unmarried, with their girl friends.

Surgeons are smooth operators.

Surgeons do it incisively.

Swashbucklers do it with three feet of steel.

Swimmers do it in the water.

Swimmers do it with a breast stroke.

Swimmers do it with better strokes.

Swinging hackers Move Swapped.

SysOps do it with their computers.

System hackers are always ready.

System hackers get it up quicker.

System hackers keep it up longer.

System hackers know where to poke.

System hackers swap on demand.

Systems go down on their hackers.

Systems have black boxes.

Systems programmers keep it up longer.

TV repairmen do it with a vertical hold.

Tailors come with no strings attached.

Tailors make it fit.

Tap dancers do it with their feet.

Taxi cab drivers come faster.

Taxi cab drivers do it all over town.

Taxidermists mount anything.

Teacher Assistants do it with class.

Teachers do it repeatedly.

Teachers do it with class.

Techies do it behind the scenes. (as in stage hands)

Techies do it in the dark.

Techies do it on cue.

Technicians do it with frequency.

Teddy Roosevelt did it softly, but with a big stick.

Teddy bears do it with small children.

Tennis players cannot play with balls all day long (too tired).

Tennis players do it in sets.

Tennis players do it in their shorts.

Tennis players have fuzzy balls.

Testators do it willingly.

Thieves do it with their lock picks.

Trainees do it as practice.

Travel agents do it in strange places.

Trombone players do it in 7 positions.

Trombones do it faster.

Trombonists use more positions.

Trump does it with cash.

Trumpet players blow the best

Tuba players do it with big horns.

Tubas do it deeper.

Typesetters do it between periods.

Typographers do it with tight kerning.

UNIX don't do it.

Ultimate players do it horizontally.

Undertakers do it with corpses.

Unix Programmers must C her's.

Usenet freaks do it with hard drives.

Usenet news freaks do it with many groups at once.

Ushers do it in the dark.

Usurers do it with high interests.

Vacationers do it in a leisure way.

Vagrants do it everywhere.

Valuers really know the price.

Vanguard do it ahead of everyone else.

Vegetarians don't do it with meats.

Vendors try hard to sell it.

Verifiers check on it.

Versifiers write poems for it.

Veterans have much more experience than the fresh-handed.

Veterinarians do it with sick animals.

Vicars do it with amazing grace.

Vicars substitute others to ...

Vice-president is always under the ...

Victims are those who got it.

Victors know how hard to win it.

Viewers do it with eyes.

Vilifiers say others don't do it well.

Villagers do it provincially.

Violinists do it gently.

Violoncellists do it low.

Virtuosi appreciate it.

Visitors come and see it.

Vocalists are good in their mouths.

Volcanologists know how violent it can be.

Voles dick through it.

Volunteers do it willingly.

Votarists decide to contribute themself.

Voters will decide who can do it.

Voyagers do it in between the sea and the sky.

Vulcans do it logically.

WW I GIs did it over there.

Waiters and waitresses do it for tips.

Waitresses serve it hot.

Water Skiers do it with cuts.

Welders do it with hot rods.

Well diggers do it in a hole.

Woodwind players have better tonguing.

Wrestlers try not to do it on their backs.

Yoga masters do it in strange positions.

Zen Monks do it and don't do it.

Zippermakers do it on the fly.

Zoologists do it with animals.

Canonical List Of Steven Wright Jokes (And Look-Alikes)



Maintained by Alan Silverstein, ajs@fc.hp.com

Last update:  940321

Total entries:   261 (excluding look-alikes)


A compendium of humorous Steven Wright jokes and look-alikes from rec.humor* and other sources. Did SW really emit all of these, worded exactly as they appear here? It's amazing how many variations appear in print. Did anything get lost or added in translation to USENET? Who knows? Does it matter? Just enjoy.


Criteria: Uniqueness of essence (merge similar jokes); correct spelling and grammar. Keep in no particular order, but try to group similar themes together -- I'm open to suggestions on better ordering. I don't like that the last, large section is "miscellaneous", but *you* try categorizing this stuff in any sane manner! :-)


To count entries (paragraphs), run the next part of this file through the following, and add 18 for those that appear in Rod Schmidt's examples:


tab=' '; sed -e "s/[ $tab]*$//" -e '/---.*---$/d' | ssp | sed '/^$/!d' | wc -l


--- not-all-there ---


You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.


Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."


Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.


Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.


I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.


I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.


I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."


When I'm in Champaigne, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town... They mail it to me.


He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."


I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.


I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.


My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.


I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes longer.


I like to skate on the other side of the ice.


I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.)


If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.


Four years ago... No, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.


Is it weird in here, or is it just me?


--- big picture ---


A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."


Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.


I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...


Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.


I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".


It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.


Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.


Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.


You can't have everything. Where would you put it? More? I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.


It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.


When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.


--- banks ---


I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."


I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.


--- museums ---


I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.


I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.


One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.


--- movies ---


Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.


One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.


I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."


--- restaurants ---


I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.


I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.


There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.


I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.


--- stores ---


I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".


Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.


I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."


I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...


I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."


opping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."


I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.


I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."


I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.


There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.


I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.


Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.


--- appliances ---


For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.


Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...


I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.


My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...


I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil. I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.


I invented the cordless extension cord.


--- telephones ---


Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... My calendar has no sevens on it."


I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."


Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."


I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!


Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.


I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.


I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."


 --- records/tapes ---


I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.


I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."


I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.


I went down to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes. When I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up full blast. I was walking around my house when I heard a knock on my door. It was my neighbor complaining about the noise... He's a mime.


--- books ---


I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.


Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.


My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...


I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.


I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.


I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.


I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.


--- apartments ---


I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!


All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."


While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"


--- houses ---


In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."


Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."


In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... So I never have to go upstairs.


One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.


I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.


All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.


My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants... I use a megaphone.


Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.


I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."


My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.


I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.


The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"


My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.


--- cars and driving ---


For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... (Slow glance upward.)


I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.


I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.


I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arr.


I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.


I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.


I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.


My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.


I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.


I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."


Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.


I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.


I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.


I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."


I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.


A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."


I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."


One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."


Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.


I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can go."


That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."


We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."


I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"


When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.


Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.


--- airplanes ---


I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.


One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.


When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.


So I get off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...


--- friends ---


I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.


A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...


I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.


I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.


I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."


My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."


My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.


So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.


--- sleeping ---


I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."


I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.


My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..."


When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."


I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.


One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world. I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.


--- pets ---


It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.


My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.


Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.


If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?


I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined.


I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.


The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.


I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.


I don't like dogs... Keep getting mustard on my catching glove.


--- fishing ---


Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.


There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. --- chemistry ---


If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.


(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!


They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on the edge...


I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.


--- childhood ---


I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.


When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."


When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.


I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.


When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"


When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.


When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.


When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."


When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.


I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.


My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.


When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.


My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."


When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.


Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"


My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.


--- suicide ---


I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."


I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.


--- other long stories --- I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. I asked him why he lives all alone out in the desert. He said, "Don't tell anyone, but I'm doing secret research for the government." I asked what kind of research. He said, "I'm trying to determine who *really* built the pyramids. Now, I'm not positive, but I think it was a guy named 'Phil'." Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Jiggs Casey, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I would appreciate it if you never called me again."


One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."


Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something. Having sex with Rachel is amazing. It's like going to a concert. She yells a lot. She throws frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.


Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.


A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."


I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry."


--- other miscellaneous one-liners ---


One night I came home very late. It was the next night.


I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.


After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?


I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.


The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter." I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.


I broke a leg one time... Spilled coffee all over.


I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?


I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.


I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.


I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.


A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.


Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.


I took a baby shower.


I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.


I washed mud, off of mud. How young can you die of old age?


If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?


If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?


I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.


On the other hand... You have different fingers.


I can levitate birds. No one cares.


Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em.


If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?


If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!


What do batteries run on? Are there any questions?


--- miscellaneous ---


I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.


I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.


(Later:) I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.


I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.


I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.


My uncle's an airline pilot... Kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though.


My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.


Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.


My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.


The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.


I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!


The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...


I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.


It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.


I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.


I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.


Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.


I accidentally shot my father-in-law while deer hunting. It was an honest mistake. I came out of the tent in the morning and thought I saw a deer in an orange vest making coffee. I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?


I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen.


I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"


Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.


I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.


I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it."


I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.


The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.


The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.


Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk.


When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"


I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.


Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.


In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.


Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?


I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.


I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.


This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...


I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better. ___________________________________




I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.


I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.




I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."


I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."




I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."


Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn't know until I got there and set it up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. There was a forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest. It was a forest made out of paneling. It was a long, thin forest.




When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.


Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.




I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.


It's a fine night to have an evening.


Even snakes are afraid of snakes.




I can't stop thinking like this.


This isn't all true.


You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.




I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.


Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.




Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"


My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me. ___________________________________




I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.


I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".


I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.


My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.


I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.


I had amnesia once or twice.


I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.


I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.


I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.


My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.


The sky is falling. The sun is rising.


The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards.


The sky already fell. Now what?


The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.


I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.


If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?


I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.


How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?


I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.


I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.


If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?


When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.


If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?


If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?


Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...


I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.


I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.


I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends".


I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.


I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."


You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.


You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.


I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."


There aren't enough days in the weekend.


My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.


Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.


Is "tired old cliche" one?


if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?


It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.


The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.


Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"


Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.


In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.


I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.


I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.


I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.


Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.


I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.


I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.


I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.


A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."


I had my coathangers spayed.


I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.


The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.


I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"


Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.


I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.




I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.


Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.


I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.


Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.


Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.


Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.


I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.


A metaphor is like a simile.


Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?


It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.


The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.


At t have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.


The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.


For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.


As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.


Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.


Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.


I bought a portable cable TV.


Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper. I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.


A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.


I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom.


Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no cure in sight.


I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.


Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if he had cross-trained. You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country.


I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another.


She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground.


Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.


A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood lust. They tripped me, escaped from my loafers, and chased the skunk up a tree. My feet were still hot and sweaty, so I bought wind socks.


I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.


Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to hit your own ball.


The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles.


I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.


Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?


The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement.


From: anonymous (source lost)


What are imitation rhinestones?


If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?


If God dropped acid, would he see people?


I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post office would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I live. Last week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I don't think I'm getting it all. So if you happen to see any of it...



Canonical List of Pranks

Compiled by Stacy Behrens  (sjb3@lehigh.edu)

Version 1.0


This is a list of pranks and practical jokes of all sorts. The contributors are listed at the bottom. I take no responsibility for anyone getting in any trouble or causing any harm to anyone due to anything listed here. If you have a good prank and it isn't listed here, mail it to me and I'll see about adding it to the list. I'm not necissarily interested in funny stories unless there is a prank contained within.



Rigged Door Pranks


Balance a nearly full bucket of water against someone's door at night. When they open it the next morning it will fall and flood their room.


If the door is metal and has a metal frame, weld the person into (or out of) their room. Can be done to the hinges as well if there is no metal door.


Jam so many pennies between the door and the door frame that the person cannot turn the doorknob to get out. Even better if the pennies are superglued in place to prevent removal.


Place "Bang-Snaps" in precarious positions on a door so that they will drop and explode when the door is opened. (such as balanced on the doorknob)


Brick up the entrances to a building at night before anyone arrives.


Computer Pranks


Change the prompt on someones computer to be black on black. This is rather cruel if the person is computer illiterate. Very effective the day before a big project is due.


Run a XXX-GIF slide show on the overhead computer projectors found in many computer rooms and large lecture halls. Very effective if done before a large class. You may wish to superglue the drive doors shut as well as all the relevant power switches in the "on" position and the power cables to the wall.


Showering Pranks


Urinate in a person's shampoo.


Put Nair or some other hair removal chemical in a person's shampoo or conditioner. You may need to distract the person for a moment to let the stuff take a better hold.


Fill the shower head with dry temper paint, onion salt, easter egg pellets or the like.


Toilet Pranks


Place clear cellophane over the toilet bowl but under the seat. Works best at parties where a large percentage of the people are drunk.


Flush waterproofed cherry bombs or M-80's down public toilets. Explosives in Port-O-Potty's can be fun too.


Food Pranks


Convice the person that they have eaten a piece of food that has been soiled by some bodily function. Have fake "evidence" (or real evidence if you really are cruel) to back up your claim such as pictures.


Freeze glasses to trays in the cafeteria. This can be accomplished by smearing the bottom of the glass with honey and sticking it firmly to the tray. Next fill the glass with ice, water and salt to lower the temperature. After a few minutes the honey should be frozen to both the tray and the glass.


Put pure crystallized caffine in someone's coffee pot. This will make expresso look like milk.


Dorm Room Pranks


Fill an accordian folder with shaving cream, insert under someone's door and stomp on it which will send large amounts of shaving cream into their room withought ever opening the door.


Sleeping Pranks


Fasten someone to their bed with numerous bungi cords.


Bury someone in several feet of wet unrolled toilet paper.


Body Pranks


Shave parts of a person while they are passed out drunk. Be creative. Do things such as half a mustache, one eyebrow, etc.


Draw in permenant marker all sorts of messages on the skin of a person who has passed out drunk. Messages should include things like "[insert name of another person you dislike] was here" with a big arrow pointing to the person's rear end.


Print a message in lipstick on someone's chest. (such as "Thank You") Works best after a night where they really got drunk and may not remember what they were doing the night before.


Hold a magnifying glass over someone who is sunbathing. Be prepared to run shortly after you do this.


Pyrotechnical Pranks


Burn a hole in someone's newly paved asphalt driveway using thermite.


Place industrial strength smoke grenades (the sort that will fill up entire buildings) in obscure places in a public building. Also good in someone's car or truck.


Vehicle Pranks


Place an old beat up vehicle near the entrance to a school building. Remove the wheels and fill it with cement. Nearly impossible to remove.


Cut an old wreck in half and weld it together around a flagpole.


Dissassemble an old car and reassemble it on top of a building.


Fill someone's car or truck top to bottom with snow. (You'll need a shovel most likely)


Classroom Pranks


Sucker freshmen into walking too close to an active Van-De-Graff generator.


Superglue EVERYTHING in a classroom down. Chairs, chalk, books, whatever. Don't be choosy.


When a teacher leaves the room, have everyone turn every desk and chair upside down. When the teacher returns be sitting on your chairs working as if nothing had happened.




Miscellaneous Pranks


Purchase a "universal TV remote" from a place like Radio Shack. When walking by public TVs, such as those in a dorm lounge, change the channel without giving anyone any idea you are doing it.


Release large numbers of pigeons into a gymnasium or lecture hall. Young pigs in the hallway are good too. Even better if they (pigeons or pigs) have been fed laxatives.


Fill several vending machines in a high traffic area with condoms and beer cans.


Put every single chair from a large building in one room. The smaller the room the better.


Crack open someone's audio cassettes and flip the tape over so that what comes out is pure gibberish.


Fill someone's umbrella with confetti, wait until a rainy day and enjoy.


Errect a large paper mache penis on school grounds in a very public place. Write messages on it for added effect.


Hide pornographic pictures (the nastier the better) in places where someone who is very easily offended or embaressed will find them quite unexpectedly. Even better if there are numerous amounts of small pictures hidden in obscure places that will still be found even years later.


The University Of Life

Department Of Accounting


Accy 409

Ethics For Accountants


Final Exam 1994


Answer all questions



1. Without violating any accounting standards, rewrite the accounts of IBM so that people might think that it is a good investment. (5 MARKS)


2. List and describe seven (7) ways to blackmail a pesky auditor (i.e. an honest one) on the grounds of his/her sex life. (5 MARKS)


3. Outline an original system for inventing $1,000,000 worth of ficticious debtors for my corner shop. (10 MARKS)


4. You have just joined a new firm, and your secretary is extremely competent, but also the same sex as you (if you're gay, assume other sex). Outline a plan to get rid of this undesirable, and replace him/her with the blonde bimbo of your choice. (5 MARKS)


5. You are the accountant for Mrs Clinton's former law firm. Describe how to destroy all record of this. (5 MARKS)


6. Describe a way of blackmailing a Head Of Department into promoting a grad student to the position of Professor. (10 MARKS)


7. a. Who is the sexiest film star in the world? (1 MARK)

b. Prepare a list of his/her assets and liabilities. (4 MARKS)


8. You are a major financial benefactor of the Republican Party. The Financial Accounting Standards Board is considering introducing an accounting standard that will force you to make public $100 billion worth of off balance sheet financing. Outline an original plan to "influence" the FASB, so that it will not introduce the standard. (5 MARKS)


9. What is the maximum/best/most imaginative bribe (not necessarily in monetary terms) that you would give a staff member to ensure that you got an A in this paper? (50 MARKS)



We hope that you enjoyed this exam. Please put any money in the plain brown envelope provided. Don't forget to include your name and bank account number.

Dear Sir:


I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident report form I put "Trying to get the job done" as the cause of my accidnet. You said in your letter that you would like to have me explain more fully, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.


I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new 6 story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry then down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the 6th floor.


Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 7 of the accident report form that my own weight is 135 pounds.


Due to my surprise at being jerked off my feet so suddnely, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.


In the vicinity of the 3rd floor, I met the barrel coming down. This will explain the fractured skull and broken collar bone.


Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles into the pulley.


Fortunately, by this time I had recovered my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of the extreme pain.


At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed about 50 pounds.


I again refer you to my weight in block number 7. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent back down the side of the building.


In the vicinity of the 3rd floor, I met the barrel coming up. this accounts for the two fractured ankles and the larcerations on my legs and lower body.


The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked.


I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 6 stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind -- and let go of the rope --

Canonical List Of Humor Lists

Archive-Name: lists

Last-Modified: 94/04/25


   Send all additions and corrections to  hjiwa@nor.chevron.com

   Note: To keep this as a plain text file, remove all "cut-here" lines and the

Unix nroff format commands present above the first "cut-here" above.  To convert

this document to Unix man page format, remove all "cut-here" lines and feed the

entire file into the command `nroff -Tlp -man thisfile`.

   To search for the main subject headings, `grep "^== " thisfile`  To search

for the new entries made since the last version, find ">NEW<".  To search for

additions or improvements to existing entries, find ">IMPROVED<".









== ANNOUNCEMENTS ===============================================================

-= announcements =-=    1 =-----------------------------------------------------


   This document is a guide to the different list maintainers of subject-related

jokes from rec.humor.  An updated version of this article will usually be posted

every two to three weeks.

   I would appreciate it if anyone out there who is a list maintainer please let

me know so that I can keep the list current and let everyone know what joke

collections are available and being posted on a periodic basis.  The idea is to

have only one person putting together all jokes related to a subject matter and

thus avoid some of the confusion and redundancy which builds up on the humor

newsgroups every year, especially when school is back in January and September.

   This list should also be used to cut down on the number of people who often

post messages asking for a list to be posted or sent to them.  Instead they can

just check this "Canonical List Of Humor Lists", then watch for the appropriate

interval or post a request into rec.humor.d.  If the list maintainer is posting

at irregular or lengthy intervals, the requester might also e-mail a request to

the maintainer, kindly reminding him or her to please post an updated version of

the list.  But please do not inundate the list maintainer with requests to mail

you a copy of the list; some list maintainers get too many of these requests and

just ignore them.  Past experience has shown that when someone posts a request

for a joke list, he or she may get one or two older and incomplete versions of

a canonical humor list reposted to the newsgroup, and be e-mailed at least four

versions of the list, each of them differing in content, and be flamed at least

once or twice if the request was posted to a humor newsgroup instead of its

corresponding discussion (*.humor.d) newsgroup.  The "Canonical List Of Humor

Lists" may eventually be posted into rec.answers and news.answers.

   You can always volunteer to take over lists from other people if you believe

that you can update it and post on a more regular basis than the other person,

and that other person agrees.  But, please, NO duplicate lists.  You can also

start up a list which is not shown below.  Just because I don't list it, does

not mean it does not exist; it could exist with a little work on your part. Just

make sure that someone is not already maintaining and posting collections of

jokes related to the subject matter you're interested in starting before you do.


-= announcements =-=    2 =-----------------------------------------------------


List Maintainer Responsibilities


   For all current or prospective list maintainers, please let me know who you

are.  And a big "Thank You" to those of you who continue to volunteer as list

maintainers.  A maintainer of a list should be willing to update the list on a

regular basis with items which are relevant to the list, and are posted into the

newsgroup rec.humor or rec.humor.funny, or sent via e-mail to the maintainer.

For this reason, you may want to set up a filter to filter out all items related

to your list, and put them into a related mailbox. Please also watch rec.humor.d

for requests for the list to be posted. It is also preferred that the maintainer

post the list on a regular basis, perhaps monthly or bi-monthly, perhaps using

cron or a similar automated posting facility, and perhaps "inews -h".

   Please set up the "Subject:" line of the posting as "Canonical List Of ...";

that way everyone knows that it is a humor collection list of the noted subject


   We currently have one official anonymous FTP archive site for Canonical Lists

(listed with the Archive Maintainer's address):


Host: cco.caltech.edu                  nathan@cco.caltech.edu (Nathan Mates)

Location: /pub/humor/canonical.lists


Each time you post an updated Canonical List, please also mail a copy to Nathan

Mates, who will then archive it to the /pub/humor/canonical.lists directory.

The cco.caltech.edu archive site does not have a mail server, but if you do not

have FTP access, you can e-mail him a request and he will personally send off

specific items to people.  As proper netiquette, you should never ask Nathan (or

anyone else) to "Mail me everything that you have.  I want it all, every last

bit of it."

   For all you Europeans, we are still looking for a Canonical Lists archive

site on the other side of the big pond, if anyone cares to step forward and

volunteer one :-)



Canonical List Name                                Email Address Of Maintainer                                Post Frequency

List of Humor Lists                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                bi-weekly

Frequently Asked Questions                                johnson@wes.mot.com                                irregular

Voluntary Posting Guidelines                                andy@cbnewsh.cb.att.com                                irregular

Animal Humor (except Elephant)                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Answering Machine Messages                                ajs@fc.hp.com                                monthly

As Funny As                                doug.hewko@synapse.org                                monthly

Small ASCII Pics (except Cows)                                Steven.Sullivan@office.wang.com                                irregular

Blond Jokes                                st17y@rosie.uh.edu                                monthly

Bobbitt Jokes                                dmitri@cco.caltech.edu                                irregular

Business and Sales Humor                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Clinton Jokes                                nathan@cco.caltech.edu                                irregular

Cow Guide                                someone out there                                irregular

Dead Baby                                Tim.Nelson@canada.ncr.ca                                monthly

Do It                                mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu                                monthly

Education-Related Humor                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Elephant Jokes                                Tim.Nelson@canada.ncr.ca                                irregular

Famous Last Words                                rossi@cs.tu-berlin.de                                irregular

Famous Mother Quotes                                russn@ssec.wisc.edu                                irregular

Food and Waiter Humor                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Fulldeckisms                                ajs@fc.hp.com                                monthly

Holiday Humor                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Impossible Objects                                mei141@uk.ac.cov.cck                                irregular

Jokes in Spanish                                sa65@umail.umd.edu                                irregular

Language Humor                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Lawyer Humor                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Light Bulb                                v140pxgt@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu                                monthly

Married With Children Quotes                                rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu                                irregular

Math Jokes                                mlc@iberia.cca.cr.rockwell.com                                irregular

Medical Humor                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Men vs Women Humor                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Mommy Mommy                                Tim.Nelson@canada.ncr.ca                                monthly

Music Humor                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Off Like                                doug.hewko@synapse.org                                monthly

Old * Never Die                                Tim.Nelson@canada.ncr.ca                                monthly

One Liners                                ajs@fc.hp.com                                irregular

Oxymorons                                daniel_macks@brown.edu                                irregular

Pick-Up Humor                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Polish Jokes                                markl@suned.zoo.cs.yale.edu                                monthly

Professions Humor                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Punny Book Titles                                harold@atm.dal.ca                                irregular

Purity Test                                someone out there                                irregular

Redneck Jokes                                jeff@lonex.rl.af.mil                                monthly

Religious Humor                                datkinso@nyx.cs.du.edu                                monthly

Rhymes and Limericks                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Sex Humor                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Shortest Books                                ruscio@binah.cc.brandeis.edu                                irregular

Smileys                                dws@ssec.wisc.edu                                irregular

Sports Humor                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly

Star Trek                                aphelps@vicstoy.oau.org                                irregular

Steven Wright Jokes                                ajs@fc.hp.com                                monthly

Tom Swifty Collection                                misrael@csi.uottawa.ca                                irregular

UNIX Commands                                veen2976@mach1.wlu.ca                                irregular

UNIX Error Messages                                jimbo@statsci.com                                irregular

Wedding/Marriage                                hjiwa@nor.chevron.com                                monthly



Volunteers Needed Or Pending


The following subject matter needs maintainers or lists to be built:


Computer Humor (or least parts of this popular subject)

Ethnic Humor

Handicapped Humor (Helen Keller, leper, etc.)

Practical Jokes

Science Humor



Any takers???


Dictionary of Evaluation Comments



Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.



        Not too bright.


        Has committed no major blunders to date.


        Drinks heavily.




        Still one step ahead of the law.


        Will stick with us until retirement.


        Offers plausible excuses for errors.




        Buys drinks for superiors.


        Knows more than superiors.


        A real jerk.


        Knows when to keep mouth shut.


        Finds someone else to do the job.


        Thoroughly confused.


        Did not go to college.


        Can string two sentences together.


        Miserable home life.




        A nitpicker.


        Has a loud voice.




        A snob.


        Knows lots of dirty jokes.




        A coward.




        Turns in work on time.


        Wanted by no-one else.


        An office gossip.


        Lazy and hard-headed.


        Usually does it the hard way.


        Needs more to do.


        Paid too much.


        Does too much busywork.


        Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.


        Pain in the ass.


        Relative of management.




        Clock watcher.


        Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.


        Delagates everything.


        Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.


Arkansas Sayings


   She looked like a sore-eyed cat.

   She was two ax handles and a plug of Star tobacco across the rear.

   He's so bow-legged he couldn't corner a hog.



   Lordy!  Hand me an aspirin and don't slam the lid.

   A corn crop so bad it only made three gallons to the acre.

   He don't have a drinking problem.  He's got a quittin' problem.

   He had the shakes so bad he could thread a running sewing machine.


Ain't Got No Money:

   I'm as broke as the Ten Commandments.

   We were too poor to paint and too proud to whitewash.

   I'm so broke I can't even afford to pay attention.

   I gotta take out a loan just to make a down payment on a postage stamp.



   He is too heavy for light work and too light for heavy work.

   He's so lazy he wouldn't holler sooie if the hogs were eating him.

   He's so lazy he calls the dog in to see if it's raining.

   He never lets the sun catch him in bed, even if he has to get up and

   pull down the shade.

   He's built backwards.  His nose runs and his feet smell.


Mountaineer Macho:

   I'm fixin' to be all over you like white on rice.

   Talk like that is what started graveyards.

   The only thing strong about him is his armpits.

   Sure you're strong, but odor isn't everything.

   Just 'cause your breath smells like ape shit don't mean you're Tarzan.

   He's stronger than lye soap.

   He's stronger than the Holy Ghost.



   Don't cuss the alligators 'til after you've crossed the swamp.

   You can tell when he's lying.  His lips move.

   He was as blue as a cross-eyed carpenter's thumb.

   That boy'll be late to his own funeral.

   He's so hardheaded, if he drowned, you'd have to search for his body upstream.

   He wouldn't pay a penny to see an ant eat a bale of hay.

   His work is guaranteed for 5,000 miles or the end of his driveway - whichever comes first.

   The first hen to cackle laid the egg.

   Fly with crows, get shot with crows.

   Turning mellow is next to rotten.

   With a bear slapping at your ass, you don't spend a lot of time looking out for snakes.

   That's about as hard as stretching a gnat's ass over a telephone pole.

   That boy's dumber than a box of rocks.

   That's harder than Chinese arithmetic.

vertically challenged


horizontally gifted


horizontally challenged


chronologically gifted


intellectually impaired


living impaired


romantically challenged

not with somebody at the moment

morally (/ethically) challenged

a crook

morally handicapped

someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone



folically independent


one who is PC

target practice

musically delayed

tone deaf

genetically discriminating




in recovery


in denial

unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened

constructivist feminist psychotherapy


economically disadvantaged

welfare bum

target equity group

vocal minority

sanitation engineer

garbage man

certified astrological consultant


certified crystal therapist


certified past-life regression hypnotist


ontologically challenged

fictional or mythological

The absolute root of all evil known in the multidimensional infinity of reality

white male

people of height

too tall

gravitationally challenged


chronologically gifted


other aged

too old/young (dual purpose)

environmentally correct human



humor challenged

motivationally challenged


outdoor urban dwellers


monetarily challenged


facially challenged


visually challenged


nasally gifted

runny nose

verbally challenged

mute, dumb

erectionally challenged


maintenance hole


socially challenged

geek, nerd, whatever...

Cyclically challenged

having PMS

Caucasian Culturally-Disadvantaged

white trash

racially challenged

butt-white American

rhythmically challenged

white boy

financially inept


osmotically challenged


Microslothicly Challenged

Windows user

aquatically challenged


male gender biased

prefers men who shave their chests

female gender biased

prefers women who shave their legs

follower of Jimmy Swaggert


government employee


nasally disadvantaged

really BIG nose

nasally gifted

large nose

suffering from a sex addiction (female)


suffering from a sex addiction (male)stud


grammatically challenged

one who has difficulties with grammar or (by extension) punctuation or spelling

differently organized




creatively re-dyed



The faster you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.


Sure God created man before woman but don't you make a rough draft before the final copy?


The opinions expressed by the husband in this house are not necessarily those of the management.


I have PMS and a hand gun. Any questions?


Performing top-down and bottoms-up activities concurrently places one's head someplace without sunshine.


Airline schedules do have their uses. They show you how late planes are.


Having good manners is what keeps you from correcting folks with bad manners.


She's not a failure - she just started at the bottom and liked it there.


God's best gifts are not things but opportunities.


As the blossom cannot tell what becomes of its fragrance, so no one can tell what becomes of his influence.


It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.


No matter what happens, there is always somebody who new it would.


You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.


Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.


Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.


The attention span of a computer is only as long as the cord.


An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.


Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.


A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours lost.


A failure will not appear until the unit has passed final inspection.


We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.


The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the service man.


To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.


Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.


If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.


The only perfect science is hind-sight.


If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.


When all else fails, read the instructions.


Any instrument, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.


We're always prompt, no matter how long it takes.


I try to take one day at a time ... but lately several days have attacked me at once.


If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I would've farted!


Q: Why did the Chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the other side.


Q: Why did it cross back?

A: It was a dirty double crosser!


Q: Why did the second chicken cross the road?

A: He was stapled to the first chicken!


Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get away from Col. Sanders.


Q: Why did Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?

A: To help the patient find the other side.


Q: Why did George Bush cross the road?

A: He thought that crossing would be "prudent at this juncture"


Q: Why did the suicidal person cross the road?

A: Because he missed all the cars.


Q: How did the politican make the road cross?

A: He broke a campaign promise to it.


Q: How can you make crooked cops cross the road?

A: With your Visa card.


Q: How did the priest make the road a cross?

A: He painted another line.


Q: Why did Edmund Hillary cross the road?

A: Because it was there.


Q: How often does Hailey cross the road?

A: Every 76 years or so.


Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road?

A: Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida.


Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?

A: Because it was already there.


Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?

A: To get to the other slide!!!!


Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?

A: To get to the other tide!!!!!


Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To show the racoon it was possible.


Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: It heard there was a cock on the roadside!


Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the basketball court.


Q: Why did the chicken go to the basketball court?

A: He heard the referee was blowing fowls (fouls).


Q: Why did the chicken cross Mass. Ave.?

A: To get to the Co-op.


[Sender... The Harvard Co-operative Society (i.e. bookstore) is located on

Massachusetts Avenue (pronounced Mass av) and is referred to as

the coop (one syllable as where a chicken or pigeon lives)]


Q: Why did John Bobbitt cross the road?

A: It heard there was a cock on the roadside!


Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?

A: To get to the Shell station.


Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To see his friend Gregory Peck.


Q: How did the dead baby cross the road?

A: Stapled to the chicken!


Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Colonel Sanders was after him.


Q: And why did the turtle cross the road?

A: To get to the Shell station, of course!


Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?

A: He found out that his blind date was Loraina (sp?) Bobbitt!


Q: Why did the graduate student cross the road?

A: He was writing his dissertation on the chicken.


Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Well, if the problem is considered from the existential viewpoint,

there could be linked with any member of the poultry family serious

logical deficiencies which would necessitate counseling and an in-depth,

historic family psychoanalysis conducive to determining which

experiencial factors contributed to his (or her) becoming a "bad egg".

            There are other viewpoints on the problem,

but some of them start to get a little more complicated...


Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?


Aristotle: To actualize its potential.


Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp.  What chicken?


Roland Barthes: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road,


Ludvig von Beethoven: What?  Speak up.


Leopold Bloom: Wonder why chickens cross roads. Must be some law. MIgration

maybe. Mrs Marion Bloom.


Molly Bloom: the chicken crossed the road well Poldy I dont know why why do

you worry about such stupid bloody things O speaking of stupid bloody things

here it comes again damn it its only been three weeks I wonder is there

something wrong with me yes


George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.


Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.


Candide: To cultivate its garden.


Bill the Cat: Oop Ack.


Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.


Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.


Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing

events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented avian

biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly

relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.


Salvador Dali: Fish.


Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.


Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.


Jacques Derrida: What is the *differance?* The chicken was merely deferring

from one side of the road to other. And how do we get the idea of the chicken

in the first place? Does it exist outside of language?


Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.


Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.


Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?


TS Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.


TS Eliot (revisited): Do I dare to cross the road?


Epicurus: For fun.


Paul Erdos: It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle.


Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.


Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.


Pierre de Fermat: I just don't have room here to give the full explanation...


Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop

its forward momentum.


Michel Foucault: It did so because the dicourse of crossing the road left it

no choice-the police state was oppressing it.


Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted

the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of

which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.


Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.


Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which,

thank goodness, are good, dahling.


Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross.

If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost,

the chicken would be lost!


Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.


Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.


Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on,

but it was moving very fast.


Adolf Hitler: It needed Lebensraum.


David Hume: Out of custom and habit.


Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite

justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.


Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.


John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!


James Joyce: Once upon a time a nicens little chicken named baby tuckoo

crossed the road and met a moocow coming down...


James Joyce: To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated conscience of

its race.


Immanuel Kant: Because it was a duty.


Martin Luther King: It had a dream.


James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.


Jacques Lacan: Because of its desire for *object a*.


Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.


Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken?  He's into that

kind of thing, you know.


Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for

it to cross.


H. P. Lovecraft: To escape the eldritch, cthonic, rugose, polypous,

indescribably horrible abomination not from our space-time continuum.


Paul de Man: The chicken did not really cross the road because one side and

the other are not really opposites in the first place.


Paul de Man: (uncovered after his death) So no one would find out it wrote for

a collaborationist Belgian newspaper during the early years of World War II.


Manuel: Is not a chicken.  Is Siberian hamster.


Groucho Marx: Chicken?  What's all this talk about chicken?  Why, I had an

uncle who thought he was a chicken.  My aunt almost divorced him, but we

needed the eggs.


Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.


Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.


John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.


Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that

has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the

road doth so for its own preservation.


Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?


Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion

tend to cross the road.


Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the (censored) reason.


Ted Nugent: "To prove to the opossum that it *can* be done."


Camille Paglia: It was drawn by the subconscious chthonian power of the

feminine which men can never understand, to cross the road and focus itself on

its task.

Hens are not capable of doing this-their minds do not work that way. Feminism

tries vainly to pretend there is no real difference between them, falsely

following Rousseau. But de Sade has proved....


Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.


Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!


Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.


Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?


J. Danforth Quayle: Ite sawe ae potatoee.


Ayn Rand: It was crossing the road *because of its own rational choice to do

so* There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique to each



Ronald Reagan: Well, I forget.


Georg Friedrich Riemann: The answer appears in Dirichlet's lectures.


Carl Rodgers: Why do _you_ think the chicken crossed the road?


John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the 

transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself 

of the opportunity.


Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly.

Ah canna work miracles, Captain!


William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a

hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.


Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?


Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.


The Sphinx: You tell me.


Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!


Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.


Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.


Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out

of life.


Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.


George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776.

But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during

the duration.


Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.


Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.


William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility.


Molly Yard: It was a hen!


Henny Youngman: Take this chicken ... please.


Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.


"I see," said the blind man.  "You don't," said the dumb.


"I see," said the blind man to his deaf wife as he stuck his wooden leg out the window to see if it was raining.


"I see" said the blind man to his deaf uncle, as he picked up his hammer and saw.


The one I recall is "deaf dog."  It rolls a little better too.


"I see," said the blind man as he spit into the wind, "it all comes back to me now."


"I see," said the blind man, to the deaf woman over the telephone!


I see said the blind man to his deaf companion who heard the mute man accross the street asking for ...


"I see," said the blind man to his deaf wife, who wasn't listening anyway.


I've heard it as "I see, said the blind horse"

To this, someone would answer, "But a blind horse can't see"

Then you'd reply, "No, but it sure can't talk, either."


Admision Free, Pay at the Door

Pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

One bright day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other

Drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard all the noise;

Came and shot the two dead boys.

If you don't believe this lie is true,

Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.


"I see," said the blind man to his deaf wife as she heard the quadrapeligic children running down the hall...


"I see," said the blind man, looking up from his newspaper, to his deaf wife who was listening to (Fill in the Blank) while telling the mute, paralyzed kid to shut up and quit dancing.


Oh, I know a little ditty, it's as crazy as can be

The guy who wrote it said he wanted it and handed it to me

I found I couldn't use it because it sounded blue

And that's the very reason that I'm singing it to you

            Ain't we crazy, ain't we crazy

            This is the way we pass the time away

            Ain't we crazy, ain't we crazy

            We're going to sing this song all night today

It's a song the alligators sing as they're slipping through the rye

As they serenade the elephants up in the trees so high

            The man behind the counter was a woman old and grey

            Who used to peddle shoestrings on the road to Mandolay

"Good evening sir" she shouted, and her eyes were bright with tears

As she put her foot upon her head and stood that way for years

Her children six were orphans except the youngest tot

Who lived in the house across the street above the vacant lot

            Ain't we crazy, ain't we crazy

            This is the way we pass the time away

            Ain't we crazy, ain't we crazy

            We're going to sing this song all night today


Knock Knock

            Who's there

Me Ma

            Me Ma Who



Hint: mawho in Hawiian for fag...


Knock knock

            Who's there?


Isabel who?

Isabel necessary on a bicycle?


Knock knock

            Who's there?


            Little-old-lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel!


Knock knock

            Who's there?


            Euripides who?

Euripides trousers, Eumenides trousers.


Knock knock

            Who's there?

Sam and Janet

            Sam and Janet who?

(singing) Sam-and-janet evening ...


And to round off, the


Meta-Knock-knock joke:


            You want to hear the <ethnic> knock knock joke?


            OK, you start.

                        Uhhh ...


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Yucky who?

Ya keep a knockin', but you can't come in!


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Marry who?

Merry Xmas


            [Sender... And another one popular among my musician friends:]

Knock knock!

            Who's there?

Knock knock!

            Who's there?

Knock knock!

            Who's there?

Knock knock!

            Who's there?

Knock knock!

            Who's there?

Knock knock!

            Who's there?

Knock knock!

            Who's there?

Knock knock!

            Who's there?

Knock knock!

            Who's there?

Knock knock!

            Who's there?

Knock knock!

            Who's there?

Knock knock!

            Who's there?

Philip Glass.  :)


Knock knock.

            Who's there?


            Ya who?

I didn't know you were a cowboy.


Knock, knock

            Come in!


Knock Knock.

            Who's There?

Little Boy Blue.

            Little Boy Blue Who?

Michael Jackson...




Frappe| Frappe|

            Qui est la?


            Lost qui?

Yes - so let me in please|


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Dwayne Who?

Dwayne the bathtub I'm dwoning.


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Wayne Who?

Wayne drops keep falling on my head.


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Jimmy Who?

Jimmy all you're money, this is a sick up.


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Tarzan who?

Tarzan stripes forever.


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Kerchew Who?

Kerchew Red Barron


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Wendy Who?

Wendy moon comes over the mountain...


Knock knock

            Who's there?


            Orange who

Orange ya' glad I'm not gonna post this stupid knock knock joke.


Knock Knock

            Who's there


            Madame who?

Madame's foot caught in the door!


Knock knock

            Who's there


            Zebra Who?

Zebra is too big for me!


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Atch Who?

Bless you!


Knock knock

            Who's there?


            Boo Who?

Don't cry little one.


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Dishes who?

Dishes the FBI open up.


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Lettuce who?

Lettuce in and you'll find out.


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Eileen who?

Eileen on the door


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Arthur who?

Arthur any more home like you?


Knock knock

            Who's there?


            Handsome who?

Handsome pizza to me please.


Knock knock

            Who's there


            Oshea who?

Oshea can you shee by the stars...


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Thad who?

Thad's all folks!


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Olive who?

Olive you.


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            hodedofo Who?

hodedofo me my arms are full


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            Lettuce Who?

Lettuce in and you will find out.


Knock Knock

            Who's there?

Little old lady

            Little old lady who?

I didn't know that you could yodel.


Knock Knock

            Who's there?


            madame who

madame foot's caught in the door!


Knock knock

            Who's there?


            Ether Who?

Ether Bunny


Knock knock

            Who's there?


            Nother who?

Nother Ether Bunny


Knock knock

            Who's there?


            Consumption who?

Consumption be done about all these Ether Bunnies?


Knock knock

            Who's there?


            Cargo Who?

Cargo Beep Beep, Run over the Ether Bunnies


Knock knock

            Who's there?


            Boo Who?

Don't Cry Ether Bunnies be back next year.


Big Ten


Fixed in the next release.

Health care will be free.

I already paid that fine / registration / ticket.

I am not a crook...

I didn't inhale.

I didn't say that!

I hate to leave so soon.

I have a headache.

I love you.

I never buy the Post.

I never call 976-PEEE

I only have eyes for you.

I read rec.humor before posting an old joke.

I really had to work late, honey.

I swear I fell asleep on the couch.

I swear it's just a cold sore.

I won't cum in your mailbox.

I won't cum in your mouth.

I'll be right there.

I'll only put the head of it in...

I'll still respect you in the morning.

I'm a team player.

I'm actually a brain surgeon, I just flip hamburgers as a change of pace.

I'm not as look as I drunk.

I'm on the pill.

I'm sorry I came in your mouth.

I'm with the band.

I've had a vasectomy.

I've never felt this way about anyone before.

I've never lied.

If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a dumb question!

It's only a cold sore.

It's only a cold sore.

Let's Just Be Friends.

Life has a meaning.

My commute is only 30 minutes.


No Purchase Necessary to Win.

Of COURSE I love you.

Of course I'll still respect you in the morning.

Oh, that can happen to EVERY man .

She (or he) is just a friend.

Size isn't important.

Strictly by the book.

Strictly fresh today.

That's a beautiful baby.

The check is in the mail.

The check is in your mouth.

The next release of our software fixes your problem.

These photos are for "Vogue" -- now lose the blouse!

This exam will be easier than the last one.

This hurts me more than it hurts you.

This isnt covered by support - youll have to pay....

This will only hurt for a little while,

This will only take a minute.

Trust me!!!!!!

We just talked.

We're from the government; we're here to help.

What's fair is fair.

Worst economy in the last 50 years.

You can quit any time.

You gotta have faith.

You must have gotten to the bank before my deposit cleared.

You won't get pregnant if you're on to[p]?

You're the best.

You're the first.

Yours free if you call now!!!


A man came home to his wife of 25 years. As they were talking she said: You know our sex life has been a little dull recently. I was thinking that if I had my breasts enlarged it might liven things up. The man stood there thinking that even with larger breasts she still would be the same old wife and he would have to pay for the expensive operation. With that in mind he replied to his wife: Honey I have this great idea for enlarging your breasts without surgery. Each morning you should rub a piece of toilet paper between your tits. She looked at him and asked: Do you really think that would help? Sure he answered, look what it has done for your ass over the last 25 years


The top 20 ways you know you're from Oklahoma


1. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

2. You have used the phrase "fixin' to" during the last twelve months.

3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

4. You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out".

5. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah and Chickasha.

6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals.

7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.

8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.

9. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.

11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

13. You know in which state Miam-uh is and in which state Miam-ee is.

14. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.

15. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition and bait all in the same store.

16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol.  A Ford F150 4x4 is.

17. You understand the difference between 3.2 and 6 point and more than once you've made a beer run to another state.

18. You know that everything goes better with Ranch.

19. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

20. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.


Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever had this conversation:

"You wanna Coke?"


"What kind?"

"Dr. Pepper."


For Men Tired of Receiving Male-Bashing Jokes


How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."


How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."


I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called "Wedding Cake."


Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.


Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"


In the beginning God created the Earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.


A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."


Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."


A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds:

"Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Washington Post Word Play


Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:



Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.



Coming back to life as a hillbilly. [Whut in 'tarnation ur they tawkin' about?]



Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.



The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.



To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



Terminal coolness.



A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)



It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.



All talk and no action.


Dopeler Effect:

The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.


And, the pick of the literature:



A person who's both stupid and an a**hole

Bad Puns

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."


A horse goes into a bar and the bartender says: "Why the long face?"


A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.


A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why? I'm a fun guy!"


A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."


Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.


There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his Mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"


Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank–proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.


What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart.


An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two-story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."


There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"


After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began strikng the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carrilon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."


WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . . .


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Nortre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. 'What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, " but . . .


"he's a dead ringer for his brother!"


A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone National Park to study the bears. Finally, their requests were granted, and they immediately flew to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female. Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female bear and opened its stomach to find the remains of the Russian scientist. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?" The other ranger nodded and responded, "I guess it means the Czech is in the male."


A spokesperson for the U. S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call, Ted's or Hale's."


Two robins sat in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was just full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "OK," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...


"I just love baskin' robins."


A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedated lions for immortal porpoises.


A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"


Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling West. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"


A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."


An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."


A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


All the patients were standing in the courtyard of the mental hospital, singing "Ave Maria" and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each patient was holding an apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in awe to the performance and then approached the conductor of the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard." "Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor. "You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?" "Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. . . "They're the Moron Tapanapple Choir."


A mechanic once owned a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed... "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"


There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240Z, but he wants it repainted to read 240-S


The dealer asks, "Why?"


The snail replies, "S’ stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."


Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.


The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"


A frog goes into a bank. He waits his turn and hops to the next open teller, a one Ms. Wack. He requests a loan. She checks his info and informs him that the bank will require collateral. He promptly pulls a small statue from his pocket and places it on the counter. Upon studying the statue she informs the frog that the bank won't accept it. But he is insistent, so she calls over the bank manager. After Ms. Wack explains the situation, manager immediately replies, "It's a knick-knack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan."


All the employees of Car Talk were standing in the courtyard of Car Talk Plaza singing "Ave Maria" and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding an apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.


A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor of the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."


"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.


"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"


"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor..."they're the Moron Tapanapple Choir."

Actual answers and spelling on a 6th grade history test:


1. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.


2. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.


3. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.


4. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.


5. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.


6. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Some Very Punny Stories...


1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.


3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


5. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


6. Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


8. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


9. The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


10. There was a woman who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


A reporter was interviewing a decrepit, wisened up, wrinkled man of clearly advanced age. She wondered if he adhered to any special diet. "Oh, yeah," said the man, "I drink two quarts of beer and a pint of whisky daily, and smoke at least two big black Cuban cigars. My favorite food is french fries and gravy."

"Amazing! How old did you say you were?"



A baby sardine was happily swimming in the ocean near its mother when it saw its first submarine. The mother sardine quickly reassured her frightened offspring. "Don't worry, dear. That's just a can of people."


Two cannibals were eating a comedian. Said one to the other: "does this taste funny to you?"


I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."


So these two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other: You look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The other penguin replies: Who says I'm not?


Did you ever hear about the Norwegian who loved his wife so much he almost told her?


One day, Svend and Ole were hunting and suddenly a man came running out of the bushes, yelling, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'm not a deer!" Ole raised his gun and shot him dead. Svend said, "Ole, why did you shoot that man? He said he wasn't a deer!" And Ole replied, "Oh! I thought he said he was a deer!"


A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel ahead, and she says: "Here we go again."


A blonde wanted to buy personalized license plates but she couldn't afford them. So she changed her name to JKM345.


A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.'' And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''


How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.


Two missionaries were captured by cannibals and they were stuck naked in a big pot of water over a fire and the water got hotter and hotter and suddenly, one guy started laughing, and the other guy says, "What's so funny?" The first guy replied: "I couldn't help it. I just peed in their soup!"


Why did the composer only compose in bed? He was writing sheet music.


What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name.


How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a blender.


A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! What are you doing here?" The pickle says, "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."


Hillary Clinton finds out from her doctor that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in her first term as Senator of New York and she calls home, gets Bill on the starts screaming. "How could you have let this happen? You go and get me pregnant! How could you? It is all your fault!!!" she screams. And Bill says, "Who is this?"


What were George W. Bush's three hardest years? Second grade.


A guy goes into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a piece of cling film around his waist. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."


This man is walking by an insane asylum and he hears the inmates inside chanting inside "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen…" He is so fascinated that he walks up to the door and puts his eye up the keyhole and somebody pokes him in the eye with a sharp stick and the inmates start chanting "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen…"


I woke up this morning and I felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin. But after the first two, I felt better.


I got an A in philosophy last semester by proving that my professor doesn't exist.


Copy-editing is a very stressful line of work. Every time one of us misses a period, we get really nervous.


So the dyslexic walked into the bra.


Why does an archeologist make a good husband? Because the older you get, the more interested he is in you.


"Hey. Nice earring. How long have you been wearing an earring?" "Ever since my wife found it in the car."


My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.


An elephant was walking through the jungle when he saw a turtle sitting on a log. And he said, "Hey, you're the same turtle who bit me 45 years ago." And he kicked the turtle and it flew a hundred feet and bounced off a tree and into the river. And the giraffe said, "Wow, you've got quite a memory" and the elephant said, "I have turtle recall."



Did you hear about the exhibitionist who was going to retire?

He changed his mind, and decided to stick it out for one more year.



What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian: Some one who goes around knocking on doors but isn't sure why.



A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He told the bartender that the newt's name was Tiny. "Why?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" replied the man.



A man walked out of the bar and got in his car and a policeman came over and said, "Sir, your eyes seem to be bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man looked at the police officer and replied, "Officer, your eyes seem to be glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"


Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"


A Minnesotan comes into a bar in north Arkansas, sits down and orders a sarsparilla. The bartender and patrons look at him curiously. "You're not from these parts, are you?" "No", he says, "I'm from Minnesota." "What do you do in Minnesota", says the bartender. "I'm a taxidermist." More silence and curiosity. "What do you do?", said the bartender. "I mount animals", at which everybody relaxes and the bartender says, "Don't worry boys, he's one of us."


A Jewish man and Scotsman came upon a chair for sale. When noting the price, the Jewish man said "I can get it for less than that price." Where upon the Scotsman replied "I can live without it."